A little bit about me. I am 31 years old. I am a New Zealander but I currently work in Iraq. I am a devout born again Christian. I have been masturbating since I was 11. Throughout my adolescence I masturbated every day or two. I usually masturbated prone, laid out on my stomach, because that is how I discovered it. I very rarely used porn and I felt a bit self righteous because of that. Sometimes I would get off from lingerie catalogues that would be in the mail. As I entered University I began to notice my behavior didn't align with the people around me. I was terribly awkward around girls, I could never get a date, and rejection was absolutely soul destroying. I spent many nights crying into my pillow because of this. Sometimes, out of religious conviction that it was a sin, I tried to stop masturbating. I got to 90 days on three occasions but it was a white knuckle ride that led to edging and eventually falling off the wagon. When I was 25 I, finally, got my first girlfriend. She was just as damaged and needy and desperate as I was. That is why she said yes I am sure. We dated for 3 months and in that time I was disgusted at how I treated her. We were both virgins and we never slept together as we were both convicted Christians. Nonetheless that didn't stop me treating her terribly. I was so horny around her all the time and she noticed this. In frustration I would lash out and say hurtful things. I broke up with her because I was not the man I wanted to be and the relationship was revealing just how wretched I really was. That is not the reason I gave her though. She never spoke to me a again and stopped following the Lord because of my hypocrisy. I still feel guilty about that. I had given up on my efforts to nofap. I read all sorts of weird liberal theologies to convince myself that masturbating wasn't a sin. three years ago I started dabbling more and more into online pornography. But after another rejection I just knew I had to stop. I hated women in my heart and it was showing in how I treated them. I was dependent on masturbation and I couldn't sleep without it. I could also no longer masturbate without porn. I discovered nofap and my journey began. that was two years ago. At the same time I fell in love and I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 18 months. Initially NoFap is easy. Sex was great. I am so thankful to God for giving me this outlet for sexual desire. After a while though I fell back into my old habits. To my shame I still don't think I have ever broken my personal best of 90 days even though I am now sexually active. I don't want to hurt my wife. She would never be the same if she knew. I am committed to reforming my ways. Holy Spirit, help me on this road of sanctification. Change me daily, more into the likeness of Jesus Christ my Lord.
Thank you for sharing so honestly from your heart. I encourage you to pray for strength not to PMO daily and a deepening of your marriage.
Thank you for the encouragement. Prayer has definitely been key for me. Sanctification, like justification, comes only from the Lord and not from our own efforts. We dilute the gospel if we think otherwise. That is why prayer is so vital.
Maybe sanctify or made holy can mean made worthy of being a faithful husband. That’s what I’m working on. Saving my sex only for her.
I think you have hit the nail on the head with that applicable definition. Being made holy, literally means in the Greek to be, "set apart". The Holy Spirit is setting you apart to love your wife alone and for God's worship alone.
I'm not married but my divorced dad told me one thing about marriage: "Don't hide a single thing from your wife".
It is a common sentiment but is there a Biblical proof text for such a sentiment? It seems to me this idea is based on the theory that it is impossible to keep secrets from your wife indefinitely rather than a biblical mandate. For me at this stage I think the most loving thing I can do for my wife is to keep her out of this. She has her own burdens.
Not sure if you've read my thread, but I am 47, and have been with my wife for 27 years. About 14 years ago, based on advice from a sexual purity ministry, I confessed my sexual sins to my wife, and it devastated her. To this very day, she still struggles with this. No, the wives DO NOT need to know everything! It can be a terrible burden for them, and the first thing they do is blame themselves. Some women can handle it, others can't! "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" To me, this means doing things and saying things that don't cause harm or bitter feelings. Confess your sins to the Father, He knows what to do with them! I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah. Psalm 32
Thanks for sharing Fanchman. I can't understand why it seems so important to share everything to your wives for some christians. It seems to be based off philosophy rather than the bible.
My friend, I cannot tell you what to do and can only say my opinion on the matter. In the case of not telling your wife, I don't think that is the best idea. If there's one thing I know, its that there is always a chance of her finding out; and no matter how small it is, its still there. You have to consider for a moment about what happens if you hide a secret like that from someone. Not saying anything "just to spare her the pain" is not an excuse that usually works in situations like these. Its a much bigger kick in the nuts if she finds out about it AND that you've been hiding this from her. It could literally destroy the trust between both of you and make it even harder to achieve sobriety because of all the emotional backlash. Better to tell her yourself and show a little honesty than let her find out the hard and less understanding way. I can understand wanting to spare someone the burden of your problems, but in cases like that they usually become too angry and irrational to understand such reasoning. What you do is your business and whatever happens regardless has nothing to do with me or anyone else here. But trust me, the pain WILL come one way or another; better for it to be on your own terms. Doesn't have to be Biblical for it to be true, but telling the Truth to the one you've pledged your life to will always be considered Godly. Heed these words or not, I say go God bless you.
Thank you for your concern prodigal. I have read a number of threads on this in the Partner NoFap section. Many of the women say would have liked to have found out when their partner was well on the way to recovery. I have been thinking what would be the number of days I would need to be on for my wife to be secure enough to know. While 35 days (my current streak) may seem like a lot to us addicts, I know my wife will not see it that way. I am thinking I need to reach 3 months, maybe 6 months before I consider telling her. That seems to be the most loving position I can give to her it terms of a balance between truthfulness and protection.
I suppose there's some logic to that. That's sort of my plan for when I start dating. Get in a stable situation and all.
Look, I have a good friend who shares everything with his wife, and she wants him to. Mine doesn't. My point was that everyone is different, and we need to be sensitive to that. There is no clear answer that applies to every situation. Again, our wives are supposed to be precious to us. Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun... This was written by King Solomon. Live joyfully with your wife! Do you think he confessed all of his sexual sins to his wife (wives)? I doubt it. There is no directive anywhere in the Scriptures to confess all to your wife. If after much prayer, you feel led to do this, and you think she can bear it, without doing damage to your relationship, go for it. I agree this is more of a modern psychology/counseling approach though! This is the most important earthly relationship of any man, a delicate one! ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel 1st Peter 3:7 She is the weaker vessel. Treat her as such. We need to get right with the Lord, confess to Him, repent and move on with our lives, brothers.
Sharing it with your wife is what it should be. Of course, it is much easier if she wasn't condemning, or her not using those secret things we tell our spouse and they use that as an ammunition when quarrelling. The bible says that a husband and a wife are one. Unity. It should not be in a situation where we hide things from each other because we feel shame and guilty no matter what the situation is. Much like Adam and Eve using leaves and hiding to cover up because of their shame. INTIMACY is better coined as "Can You See Into Me?" Intimacy is much more than sex. And that if we are transparent towards each other, trust is built and you are building a stronger foundation in your marriage so that when the storm comes, you both will still be standing. You have to remember that marriage is the best institution that God has ever implemented on this earth because it mirrors the Trinity (the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit)
Hello Brother, Ephesians 5:13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. I am getting married in four days, a little over a month ago I can clean about my PMO to my soon to be wife. She was upset and it was hard but we are now working on this together as a team. I had masturbated only a few days before talking to her about it. If you are open to my advice brother, tell her now, don't wait, don't give yourself any excuse. Pray and then go and tell her. Don't try minimize it because it won't matter to her, just tell her the truth and tell her you love her and that you are telling her because you don't want to hide anything from her and that you want to work on your trials together as a team. You mentioned that you did not think there was anything in the bible about have no secrets with your wife. The bible is pretty clear on this, bring your secrets into the light so you may be healed, the consequence of leaving it in the dark is more sin and her finding out herself. For her sake tell her now so you can heal together. Matthew 10:26-28 ESV “So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. James 5:16 ESV Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. Luke 8:17 ESV For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 12:2-3 Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops. Colossians 3:9 ESV Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices
I'd like to point out that the only reason from the Bible that I can think of that would indicate you should confess masturbation to your wife is if you think it is a sin against her. If it is a sin against her then the sin would be adultery. If you do view it this way, then technically your wife would have the Biblical right to divorce you. Clearly, this seems ridiculous. And I point this out because if you are willing to view it this way you are leading down a very dangerous path and giving the wife way too much power. There are many Christians including famous or somewhat famous ones within the Christian circle that say something to the extent that masturbation is not a sin in itself. If you are merely talking about doing it to release a build up of fluids or tension or in order to get rid of your erection without lusting after other women, then what is the problem? The problem is that you are not going to your wife for sex to share love etc., not that you are sinning against her. I would think masturbation is not best in a marriage. However, part of the blame in this scenario would have to fall on your wife for not being sexually available especially if she has been refusing sex. Paul clearly states in the New Testament that it is a sin to deprive a spouse of sex. If that is the case, I recommend working on that which would be the real issue that is leading to your masturbation. I'd suggest kindly pointing her to that scripture and let her know your feelings. Now if you have been fantasizing about other women while you do it, then that is a problem. You are committing adultery in your mind/heart when you do that. If this is the case and you decide to tell her about it, and you haven't yet (because I realize that you haven't posted in awhile), I suggest starting by asking her if she has ever thought about another man any time in your marriage? Has she ever looked at a celebrity and thought he was attractive or admired an important man too much on an emotional level? Has she become aroused when reading a romance novel or watching a sitcom? Has she had thoughts or feelings about a singer or movie star? All of these are very common among women and would also be adultery of the heart/mind. Start by asking her those questions because the vast majority of women would have to say yes to at least one of them. Then tell her about your own unfaithfulness of the mind/heart and tell her how much you want both of you to strive to be the only thing mentally and physically for each other. I'm saying all of that because it is what I really think, and because I am tired of men being overly guilty about masturbation in Christian circles and tired of us pretending as if women are somehow saintly and without sin. You are indeed the man and you are to lead her. So again, I'd approach the situation as I said in the above paragraph leading her into the conversation slowly aware that you are both sinners and not immediately giving her all the power and almost assuming she is without sin. Also, it looks like you are at 100 days now. Congratulations. I'd bring that up to her at some point too showing how you are devoted to her and her alone and are earnestly desiring for her to be your all in all and that you want her to do the same for you. Just don't assume that you are her all in all at this point. Ask her those questions first.
I'd like to hear an update too. Have you already shared with her? Which type of masturbation were you committing (with lust for other women or not)? Are you planning to tell her if you haven't already or are you clear that you won't?
Talking from my own experience, here - it is better to get it out in the open than try to hide it. Especially if you have feelings of guilt about the act of masturbation itself. Try as you might, you will get caught at some point. You can lie about it then and make it worse (because she will lose trust in you) or you can come clean and (hopefully) start working through the issue together, rather than putting the sole burden on yourself. As has been said in several of the threads in the PA/SO forums, most SOs have a much bigger issue with the lying, hiding information, and righteous justifications of the acts than the addiction itself, especially when you show that you are trying to get better. For me, I view masturbation as sinful - it is an adulterous act that has you replacing a unitive act intended for marriage (sexual intercourse) with a selfish act. In other words, you are cheating on your wife/SO with yourself. 16 Do you not know that whoever is united to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For it is said, “The two shall be one flesh.” 17 But anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself. -1 Corinthians 6:16-18, NRSV
