Can porn cause you to question your sexual orientation (HOCD) My story

I'm a 21 year old male. Been watching porn since I was 13. I have had sex with close to 10 girls from age 15-20. I didn't notice how bad my addiction was getting until I hit 20. I started to experience constant anxiety and WEAK erections, not only with girls but also with porn. I didn't know what was going on with me. I would also like to mention I was smoking a lot of pot at this time too.
So one day as I was watching porn during this time I was experiencing erections, I noticed I suddenly started to notice the penis more in porn. Never in my life had I been sexually attracted to men or their genitals. Ever since I could remember being sexually attracted to something, it was females. So after this moment it's like my mind flipped a switch and I suddenly started noticing guys in porn and also guys on the street. I would constantly check to see if I was aroused by the idea of being with another man but it never gives me an erection. All this time I never thought that porn use could be the cause of this constant rumination, anxiety and gay thoughts. I figured out I had a form of OCD, called HOCD. I understood as with any form of OCD, checking and reassurance seeking only feeds the cycle of doubt and gives strength to the intrusive thoughts. I lost my job working in retail because I was constantly filled with anxiety, I couldn't look other men in the face for fear that they would think I'm gay or somehow knew I was thinking of gay sex. These thoughts wouldn't constantly bombard my mind day in and day out. I remember one afternoon I was so filled with anxiety, disgust and anger that I just collapsed to the bathroom floor, held my head in my hands, and asked God why was this happening to me. I couldn't understand how I went from a man that was confident in his sexuality and himself, to a pathetic weak minded person with constant thoughts of gay sex and penis in his head. I didn't understand it. These thoughts would also bombard my mind any time I would try to fantasize about me having sex with a woman. In my mind, another mans penis would "replace" my penis in the fantasy. I would experience anxiety and a "butterfly" like feeling in my stomach when this happened, and even a little bit of blood would flow to my penis, not causing me to get fully erect but to notice that their was some type of response. I would then flip out over what that meant. Days upon days upon days I have been suffering from this. I find it is the worst in the morning when I wake up. From that moment, through the rest of the day, I am bombarded by these thoughts. I would also like to add, that I NEVER escalated into gay porn. I can't watch it more than 20 seconds because it disgusts me. I have seen a lot of cases where guys on here are scared because they had escalated into gay porn, but that is not the case for me. The fear and anxiety comes from the thoughts I have in my head (as well as from heterosexual porn images and videos I have seen in the past). I also feel ZERO desire to act on these thoughts and have never felt "emotionally" connected to another man. I just don't see them like that. My self esteem and confidence has plummeted these last couple years. I have been so depressed because I do not know what has gone on with my sexuality. I am hoping an absence from porn and a reboot will help me to restore my old confident heterosexual self.
So to sum things up: I never questioned my sexuality until I noticed something was wrong with my erections, they were getting weaker. Than I began to take notice of men in porn and on the streets. Images on penises are constantly in my head. I can't get them out. They do not arouse me but cause me anxiety, which is than felt by a "butterfly" type of feeling in my stomach. I than interpret this as me feeling aroused and the constant questioning continues.
I was wondering if staying off of porn forever will help clear up my head and my HOCD? I have been off of it for a month now, and notice positive changes such as harder erections with my girlfriend, which I had struggled with a lot when I used porn. I find it way easier to be turned on by her body now. So, in your opinion, has porn caused all of this? Or is this something I had with me all along that porn has just revealed? Because I had never felt like this in my life before. If somebody called me "gay" I would just laugh because I knew I liked girls. If this is what being gay is like, than it is living hell.

 

I appreciate your response. That all makes sense. I never even thought about another dudes penis before I was completely hooked on porn which took about 6 years of constant use (starting at 12/13 all throughout puberty in high school until I turned 20). It makes sense that after years of porn that a link can be created in my brain between penis and pleasure. After all that's all the girls and cameras are doing is focusing on a girl bouncing on a dick or being slammed by one. Thanks for your input and advice. I'm 40 days into my reboot and haven't noticed any significant change but there has been small streaks of days where I don't seem to feel anxious about the thoughts anymore. It's like their there but they just don't bother me and I kind of laugh at them. But then 2 days later I would be obsessing again. I just wish these small clusters of days can link up and keep me happy for weeks months years the rest of my life. I guess I just have to wait it out longer to see better results. Once again thank you

 

@Sick you are one sick bastard. What you said makes absolutely zero sense. Guessing your a troll

@The Eleven why does this thread have to be deleted? This is a situation I'm in and I need peoples opinions. What's your problem