Need help (14, M, may or may not be transgender)

I found this account on BugMeNot. I do not wish to use my own account due to hassle associated with making a temporary email address.



I'm here to confess a bit and hope that you lot can help me sort this out



As a kid i've always fantacized of experiencing sex from a female prespective. I never wanted to be with a man,i've always wanted to be able to present as male in public but come home and have a female body to dress up and whatnot. First it started with an autoerotic desire for boobs, then it came to female clothing, the desire to be somewhat pretty, and so on. I had attempted to fufill these desires through TG TF porn, then hentai, then masturbating to TG caps, SFW tv shows with slight gender bender themes, and so on. I have masturbated to convincing enough crossdressers by pretending that their boobs were real and they had played with them. I once masturbated to a video of a straight man wearing a latex outfit and getting spanked by women. That's how bad it is.
As of now, I am 14. A perfect vantage point. If i'm trans, i can come out, and experience cis female levels of puberty. If i'm not, than i can grow up to be a man. I would like to mention that I do not wish to grow old as a woman, nor do i want to be an adoptive mother if i turn out to be trans. I have come here to vent my frustrations while asking for support, so that if i turn out to be trans, i can atleast repress this until i have enough autonomy to come out and retire to a quiet life with nobody to come out to.

 

I started viewing porn-like material when I was 5 (I couldn't discover the hard stuff yet, but i saw stuff like women wearing open-boob dresses and had realized that women had boobs) and i enjoyed it because i saw how happy the characters were after changing gender. I wanted that for myself. Then it became dormant, just curiosities like "Oh i hope science advances by the time im an adult so that I can experience what it's like to have boobs) and so on. Then it resurfaced when i was 9, or around that. I started going for the whole package. All porn, of this genre. Notice how obsessed i am with having my own boobs. I don't care about having a child as a woman, or being a woman in public. None of that shit. I've looked to multiple substitutes, with varying success. I read a webcomic earlier this year, about a mad scientist whose father works for the FBI and who's friends with an otaku. I didn't know why I stumbled upon it, and i liked the premise of the first few chapters. Chapter 3, however, was when the guy who made it started injecting his fetish (Gender bending, muscles, etc) into the goddamn comic. Then i remembered how i found it.
"Horny me" saw a TG TF sequence made by the guy. I had fucking trapped myself. I kept reading it though, and surprisingly enough, i only masturbated to it once or twice over a span of multiple months. I had gotten into other webcomics too as a result, surprisingly enough. One about a couple who were also superhero mecha pilots (I didn't fap to it because it was about a 13 year old protagionist, however i did fap to the adult anti hero character who's introduced halfway through atleast twice) and also another one which i forgot about. I found it hard to follow the action of the latter though. Somewhat. Notice how as much as i like these things, I can't enjoy them. I just fucking cant. And there's this one part of the comic that i hate myself for enjoying.

Tedd Verres. The most fucking relatable character to me since Otacon. Here's some backround. The guy's a closet transgender person or something who uses technology he stole from the CIA to turn himself into a woman temporarily so that he could explore his interest in women without coming out or obliterating his public persona. It's never explained how much he enjoys either side of this, but he turns out to be some kind of genderfluid person or something. Later in the series he's a whole different fucking guy, and he's this enigmatic mix of the "Gay nerd" trope and the "Wholesome crossdresser".

 

My ideal future would be that I could finally be on the same level as my colleagues. I'd be not too manly because i dislike stereotypical masculinity, but I guess i'd be like a straight Alan Turing hopefully. I want to design computers, robots, anything. I have non sexual fantasies about this. Building a robot cat and taking it into battle with me at a nerf war, building a cyberdeck-like computer and carrying it with me on my travels, making mecha practical, etc. I want to be an engineer or something like that.
Solve problems. Help people for the good of mankind and not to just make myself look good. Be an actual intellectual and not just some autistic bastard who skim reads Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy so he can quote Ford Prefect and fit in with a clique of nerds.

 

Stereotypical masculinity is just too rough and "Jock-like" for me. I like masculine things like video games and having a girlfriend and being physically capable of stuff, but i am by no means a weightlifter or "rough and tumble" kind of guy. I generally dislike the rigid, close minded culture that masculinity has become entrapped in. Personally, I want to protect the weak. I'd like to build some muscle but not the levels of which it becomes all who i am. That's the kind of masculinity I like. the "Cultured badass" or "Badass bookworm" tropes are what i strive for. Notice how i think in tropes. Analogy is my thought process, because it reminds me of who i want to be.