I feel so ashamed and tired of being me

I had a bad experience last night. My 2 year old daughter was having problems sleeping and I couldn't get back to sleep after comforting her. I started browsing a dating app called Pure which for those who don't know it is very anonymous and designed for meeting sexual partners without leaving a trace on social media etc. All interactions auto erase after one hour.

I had been looking at the app for about a week and all the women using the app at the same time as me were normally hundreds of miles away. Last night at 4 in the morning I opened up the app and there was a girl in my area looking to meet someone. We started chatting via the app and she told me she was looking for sex that night. I told her that I couldn't as I have two children and a partner. She then became angry and told me that I was an asshole for going on the site. She said I was a disgusting human being and that I didn't deserve to have a partner or my children.

Her words obviously hurt so here I am tonight on the forum.

I think that I am profoundly sexually dysfunctional in ways that go beyond porn but I also think that porn is an integral part of failing myself.

I was first introduced to porn on my older brothers computer. It wasn't high speed internet porn but an Amiga strip poker game in the 80s. The pictures were highly pixelated but I remember being fascinated even as a young child. Next came magazines found in woods and I even stole them from the newsagents where I used to work whilst still at school.

My dad bought an apple mac around 96 and that was the first time I used the internet to download porn. It would take about 5 min to get a single picture but by that time I had reached sexual maturity and would masturbate whilst watching a nipple or vagina slowly appear line by line as the data filtered along a copper wire HTML connection.

At university I started my own private porn magazine collection and much to my horror it was discovered by my friends as I packed my dorm room up to move to a house near the campus. From that moment on there was a running joke about my "shoe box of shame".

Another facet of my sexual dysfunction also began at university when a group of us visited Amsterdam. We walked the red light district at night and laughed at the pathetic men going to see the prostitutes. Privately however I was extremely aroused by the sight of all the scantily clad women offering to fuck men for money. I was so aroused that I couldn't sleep during the whole weekend and the last morning I got up at 6am and went to the red light district whilst my friends slept. It was almost deserted of course but it was there that I first paid for sex. Although different I think that porn and prostitutes share the attraction of choice and power. You decide who and when and on what terms.

With the advent of high speed internet my prostitute and porn addiction has scaled up massively. My PMO cycle typically revolves around looking at ads that prostitutes post on a forum that reviews and serves as a medium of communication for sex workers. I will fantasise about some of them and sometimes call them to ask about prices etc. I then go and look at porn, masturbate and orgasm. Sometimes I become fixated on a particular prostitute and go and pay for sex. This may happen once every six months. My sexual encounters are rarely satisfying and fill me with shame lasting for weeks until the habits creep in again.

I have a beautiful partner but we don't have sex very often. We have had a series of difficult years beginning with the death of her father, then she had a fibroid cyst removed, then she got pregnant with our first child, then the second and since then she finds initial penetration difficult. We do have sex sometimes but it often results in premature ejaculation on my part and little to no sexual gratification on hers.

Over the past year or so I have become obsessed with the idea that she is the problem in our relationship and that we don't have sex enough so that justifies me whacking off to porn and seeing prostitutes but deep down I know that there is no excuse and that the reason we don't have a great sex life is most probably about me being the one with hang ups.

I am a teacher so I am summer break at the moment and I have lots of free time looking after my kids aged 4 and 2. I spend long periods of the day browsing hooker ads on my phone whilst my kids watch tv three feet away. Instead of doing important prep work for next years classes I waste time stimulating myself on the internet.

I do not want to be this person. I don't want to my kids to have to realise that their dad is looking at sexy stuff on his phone in their presence. I don't want my wife to question why I'm going to the bathroom with my phone several times a day. I don't want to ruin my family by getting caught on dumb dating apps or worse contracting a STD and passing it to my partner through sleeping with prostitutes.

If you've reached this point then well done, I've probably overstepped the mark for an introduction.

I would love to have some support on what will be one of many failed attempts to try to fix the part of myself I most hate.