Good morning. Thanks for the encouragement. I will find a solution. Day One/Three-hundred and sixty-five.
Yeah, my guess is that this part of your past has left an imprint and your subconscious is returning to it. It's hard for me to know, but one clue might be that unhealthy things like this during critical times in your life may have played a role in seeking out other risky or disordered or self-sabotaging behaviors later. Honesty and openness are important in the recovery process, so keep doing that. Maybe ask yourself what led you long ago into these situations? I suppose one thing you could do is think about a better strategy for how to deal with these types of situations/triggers. If you had time for a 3 hour google session (i.e., administering more poison), you had time for something else. A 3 hour walk, for example would be much more therapeutic. Some sort of a go-to activity or find something on your things-to-do list for the day. Look for real beauty like nature, and seek out wisdom, not chaotic internet stuff. Or just go about your day nonchalantly and if something keeps bugging you to act out, just casually say "meh...no thanx" and and gently redirect your focus elsewhere. If it was me, I would definitely draw a line in the sand and say sorry, mate... no more of that stuff (hot pix, searches for anything to do with the anus or wiener, and the like). It just does not lead to true happiness. Isn't that what we really want? Does this get me closer to my goals as a person? Does this advance me spiritually? Ten years from now, are these behaviors you still want to have in your life? If not, then it has to stop now, don't put it off for some other day. Keep refreshing the picture of the type of man you would like to be, and then be him.
You are right, that past that I wrote about occured to me unwantedly, I was in the wrong place , I'm going to open it up more, about the lacking the appropriate reference or in other words not having any right person there and the community I was in , and the terrible things that I saw and happened to me. Untill two years ago there was something that I didn't forgive myself for it ,but after a while that I searched about it I figured out it wasn't my choice .actually I was a victim there. The problem was as follow that I am trying to elaborate it: 1: first the moderate one: I was only 3 or 4 years old that I saw things that I didn't like or I hate now. Having my mother having sex with another man , though my father was dead before that time. That scene with another man (animal)happened right in front of me, touching kisses, and then I went out. My fathet passed away when I was a year old. After 4 years of my father's death, We as a family moved to the maternal grandfather's house , from the capital with 10 millions population to a small village which had less than 1500 population. In that place I saw and encountered strange, different and or disgusting things ranging from a very bad which was happening most often to a very good which was occuring rarely. The Good part there was I was playing with dogs,I had three dogs there , playing with sheeps,goats,birds and many other kinds , I was enjoying from the good nature there,I raising dogs,feeding them . Sheep's,... but the bad part was genuinely terrible. 2:the harsh one : I was in my grandfather house when I was between 5 to 8 and at that time the worst thing happened to me by my uncle ,my mother's brother which was 5 years older than me. He suggested to me to taking off our clothes and play with each other and using oil to make it easy, at that time I didn't know what is wrong and what is right . I don't remember any entrance into my body but the touch ,the strapless, the oil . And we did it one more time which my older brother saw it . From there on I haven't had a good relationship with my older brother and it was at that time I figured out my behavior was very bad and wrong. From then on, I was very careful and cautious about my environment and the people around.The fact that I was very white ,energetic(as my aunt used to call me snow white) was making me vulnerable to that people that hadn't had such cases. That place and that people was totally wrong . And this occuranc have had a prolong and poisonous effects on me till two or three years ago. And I guess even now. The time was passing,andI got older and I got serious about my future because I knew I didnt have a father to support me. So I decided to study hard ,very hard till I was accepted to the best university as an optometrist . I was accepted while no one expected me such a leap and victory. My parental and materal uncle was a source of anxiety and angers and stress. They were invading our privacy. Once They wanted to take my sisters virginity without my mothers permission and by force ,unfortunately my brother was an assist for them. My mother attacked them to avoid it, she broke her two finger there, she got sick and had a depression from then on. She is still using anti depression drug . I am glad now because I worked hard to escape from that jail or the worst place , but as you said Dr Jekyll that past has had a bad impacts on my subconscious . Thank you for introducing this topic to me. I will work to heal my subconscious too. You are a deep and understanding person. I wish you to reach a very top position socially,economically and morally.☺️ It was also a good and moving question that 10 years from now I wanna be who,so I need to act accordingly . It was uplifting. Thank you my friend Dr Jekyll this massage had uplifting effects on me. God bless you
2/365 after almost 3 months of no PM , i had no urges for porn anymore. anyway, do handjobs and bj/cum in mouth considered as masterbation ?
