My darkest secret

Hi there,

I'm new to this. I've been struggling with my porn / addiction to sexuality since I was 12 - I'm now 28. Over the years my addiction has grown stronger and I continually shame myself and let myself down, conciously relapsing giving myself reasons as to why its ok to PMO.

For a long time I have been using sites like Omegle and Skype - spending hours searching for girls to "have fun" with. Constantly edging and delving deeper and deeper into more dangerous and shameful fetishes (if you can imagine it I've likely had a phase based around it). More recently I've spent my entire day on these websites searching and performing acts that disgust me. Its like I go into a trance and spend hours (sometimes 12 hours at a time) looking for someone. I find that when I'm at work, Im thinking about getting home to continue it. If I have a bad day I'll "allow" myself a few hours, same if I've had a good day. After orgasm I immediately return to self loathing and dissapointment.

I've been doing this for years. I go days without PMO/Skype occasionally when my will power is strong and I feel on top of the world when I do so. I become more confident, self assured and at peace with myself. I dont feel as though my soul is stained or dirty. Its never long before I'm back at it though. I've previously tried deleting my porn/skype accounts only to be pressing the "recover your account" button again and shamefully recieving the text to your phone with the code that will activate it all once again. All the while feeling a burst of excitement as you do so because you know its wrong, but doing so anyway telling yourself that its not so bad.. other people have worse addictions ect..

I've kept this secret from everyone that I know. I could never tell anyone, unless anonymously like on nofap. The most annoying part I find is that I have a great life apart from my addiction. I have a great job that I enjoy and dont worry about money or health. I have an amazing fiance who I truly dont deserve. Shes stuck with me through a lot of shit and has helped me develop into the man I am today and enabled me to become a better person. We've been together 7 years and I've never once even hinted that I've been doing this the entire time we've been together. I tell myself that its not really cheating if its just cybersex but it would ruin me if I'd heard that she'd been doing the same. She so pure, loyal and beautiful in every sense of the word. I've never physically cheated on her. I do find myself very interested in other girls though and am often checking women out. I've had at least 3 girls over the years who have made it very clear that they're into me but I've never acted on it.

I've toyed with the reasons as to why I might be doing this to myself - although I've found that in the past I have used them to justify my behaviour. I had a bad relationship with my "father" as a child and was beaten up a lot. So were my mother and brother. From aged 10 I was sex obsessed and experimented with friends M and F. Experimented with drugs and close shaves with the police. I've had some strange relationships with girls growing up until I found my fiance and we've been together since. My life has been so much better as a result of this. If I were to be honest and give a one word answer as to why I do this, it would be anger.. I have always been a very angry person - probably from experiencing voilence from a young age formed this. I wonder if it stems from a lack of control and the PMO is a way of feeling better whenever you would like to momentarily - a moment where you're in control, although ironically Im not.

Anyways today I PMO'd with a gorgeous person on skype who further shared her concerns that I am addicted. She made me realise, even more so than I already knew, that this is a MAJOR problem in my life and is stunting my progression and emotional development. This was the final straw for me.

I've deleted all of my accounts. I've done this before but I've done it again, this time aiming to stop forever, as always lol. I've been following the NoFap on youtube and on here for a very long time and so I've created this post as a mark of my commitement. Skype requires 2months to delete an account that cant be recovered and so on the 13/05/19 it will be deleted forever as long as I dont re activate it. This is my goal. I read on another thread about not looking to reach 60 days but seeing it as 60 x 24 hour periods, this will help me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Appologies if it comes across messy or pretentious even, I just wanted to do my best to clearly articulate my feelings as this is something that I've not done for a very long time. Just writing this has made me look at myself objectively and has put things into perspective. I can already feel a weight off my chest. Thank you for allowing me to share my secrets with you.. you will be the only people to know. I will never share them with the people in my life.

I will become a better person.

Any advice, tips or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I wonder if anyone else is in a similar situation?

Jack.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I read into other threads based on the same problem it seems that most people have opened up to their SO's and its helped them recover. I think this is something that I'm going to have to do.