SO upset over PIED - rejection and being used

It's totally understandable that you feel frustrated, and further, I would assume that this is a frustration you share with basically all heterosexual paired up females around the globe. We expect (and frankly deserve) a man that is physical, gentle and warm hearted even when sex is not working or convenient for him at one particular moment.

The modern man doesn't function like this.

Generally, a man needs to be taught how to be physical outside of his own sexual gratification. This is not a built in function for him, just as a cheese grater is not a built in function on an iPhone. For him, kissing, cuddling, even satisfying someone else when he is not in a sexual mode is something completely foreign to him. Us women don't understand this, we think it's something wrong with us and ultimately something wrong with the man.

Of course, porn (and modern day life) makes this behaviour even worse. If something doesn't immediately grab our attention and stimulate us like crazy, we need to move on to the next activity, and the next, and the next. Slowing down, show appreciation, focus - all of this is now a skill that needs to be taught. Unfortunately, male children learn from a ridiculously early age that women are to be enjoyed whenever its convenient for the male and can be discarded and ignored once the sex is over. This is not men being evil, it's the society that fail to teach men the social/sexual dance that virtually all women are evolved to crave.

Many of these men are not disinterested or selfish, they are simply sociosexually impaired. Further, if they can't succeed with a given task (successfully have intercourse), they want to remove themselves from the source of their embarrassment and feeling of failure. That could be a reason for the man just rolling over and falling asleep next to his willing partner.

 

I also have been in this situation with my past girlfriends and it horrible for both.
The most important thing you can do is to not get angry or set too high expectations for your special moments together.
Because, this will only make his PIED worse.

What helped for me and my past relationships:
1. no alcohol/drugs
2. no overeating
> a full belly will not help during sex.
3. being in a healthy sportive state
>men really benefit from the extra testosterone levels
4. talk about him 100% quitting porn for at least 90 days straight
> no edging, but real sex with you should be fine after x days.
5. plan to do some nights with dry sex only, no orgasms for him
6. plan some nights with oral sex only or with sex toys.
7. be patient and even if he suffered a relapse.
8. don't spend to much emphasis of this issue on your relationship
> because it will overshadow all the good things

 

Honestly I needed to hear this to some degree. I've always made sex subconsciously into a goal oriented act with my wife and measured it as a success or failure based on if I could climax or not. I think that stems from a lot of us addicts having failure in the bedroom and so we get caught up in not wanting to fail again and have it feel so bad.

I know I've personally been one to help my wife finish after I finish, though thinking about it I certainly do turn to end intimacy whenever problems with PIED or DE pop up. I'm working on that with my wife now and I've very recently talked to her about what she enjoys in sex and how I can make it truly enjoyable for her.

Thinking about it now it's kind of embarrassing that I've never taken this into account before and I can say it really does likely stem from having porn use shape my sense of how sexual encounters are supposed to go. All I can do now is keep myself present and be sure to prioritize her pleasure as much as my own.

Thanks so much for sharing it this perspective and I hope so much for you that things improve in this area.

 

THANK YOU!! YES!!

I am very lucky to have a husband that is 100% into MY climax and MY satisfaction. I have had far too many past lovers like the typical selfish men out there who only want to cum first and *maybe* please their partner after. What a bunch of bullshit. I think women should start giving them back what they let out there for us. If he doesn't make me cum first, then he doesn't get to cum. Or, even if I do cum, I may be done with him and go to sleep without pleasing him after. What if women were as selfish in bed as some men are??

 

Unfortunately, it is quite obvious you either did not read her entire post or still do not understand her message.

 

Agreed. However, the only way this will change is with the world teaching sons and daughters about the female anatomy and proper female sexual pleasure. It would require openness and willingness to see women as sexual beings worthy of respect. It would require studies on female sexuality. I would require medicine to see that females are not the same as males and women have different requirements. Heck, it took centuries to find out that the clitoris is more than just the little "dot" at the top of the labia minora! And female sexual pills were only discovered accidentally while working on the male versions.