Balancing my life around AGP + straight sexuality

Oberdan63 · Nov 5, 2020

Hello fellow nofappers,
First off all, I want to thank all the people who contribute to this forum; all the help and insights that I have been looking at for just over a year now have greatly aided me in improving my life.
However, unfortunately, Im not completely "cured" yet and this nofap journey has brought some ugly things to light as well that I struggle with at the moment. This might be a long post, but in order to properly understand my situation I think it is important to draw the full picture. I have looked at tons of posts about these sorts of situations on this forum and others, but the advice never really was satisfying. I am open to all advice, because I do not think e.g. therapy could help me + as a student I am financially limited. I did not think I would ever have the courage to write this down and ask for help, but here we go. This post might be triggering for people with AGP, although I will try not to make it sexual in nature.
As you can read by the title, throughout this journey I have discovered that autogynephilia, the sexual propensity to be aroused by the thought of being/becoming a woman, is (at least currently) a part of my sexuality. I have had these feelings since I was a child and therefore I do not think that I can do anything to get rid of it. I believe these feelings to have originated from a traumatic event, viz. my sister forcefully dressing me up in a pink dress around the age of approximately 6/7 and dragging me downstairs to show my parents, which resulted in me being laughed at and feeling humiliated. After this event, I started fantasizing about becoming a girl (always in bed, never during daytime) and this made me feel turned on (I did not realize how to interpret these feelings at the time). However, I always was a real boys boy and I had an innate aversion to all feminine things, on top of this I always held my friends to high standards for not acting 'gay'. You could analyse this as a suppression of my feminity, but I have an alternative hypothesis where due to the severely lower standards of masculinity in modernity, the whole masculine role has become meaningless to me, resulting in a certain apathy and frustration around being a man (this theory is also mentioned in the controversial twitter book 'Bronze Age Mindset' and it resonated with me). This might seem a bit far fetched, but from when I was a child up until now I have always been a philosophical thinker (I know that sounds cringe lol, but it is true). The cause of my AGP then, seems to be interrelated between childhood trauma and masculine apathy, but Im not ruling out a genetic cause either.
The development of my AGP seems to have gone in a fairly common fashion (a lot is in line with Buckner's transvestic career path). Chronologically: attraction to girls, obsessive curiosity over lipstick, wearing lipstick, wearing panties, fully trying my sisters outfits and make up, being jealous of girls because I wanted to be one of them, wearing panties in public one time under my male clothing.
This was all pre P, the first time I watched P and also the first time I M'ed was at age 16. These practices did not involve M, but I was aroused the whole time; the sessions would always result in me being ashamed about them. I would always get angry at a certain point during the session, which in turn made me take off the clothing and make up as fast as I could. A feeling you could describe as similar to post-nut clarity, but without the nut lol.
This behaviour and these intrusive thoughts started becoming more intrusive when I was at age 14&15, resulting in depressed thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, whenever I would be alone. However, during the time spent in and outside of highschool with my (still) best friend, (I am currently 22), I felt great. This, my body (tall, broadshouldered, masculine facial features) and my inner masculine self were the reasons I did not transition.
At the latter end of me being 15, after the most intense version of said thoughts, I had to go to a different class where I entered a new friend group; this I regard as some of the best times from puberty onwards (I had a good/great childhood). During this time my AGP thoughts completely faded and I stopped crossdressing. This did not last long though, about three months.
Shortly after I became 16, I discovered PMO and I started watching stuff in line with AGP; first lesbian, then sissy/feminization stuff. I did not take these videos seriously and perceived it as healthy at first. I finally was able to M like the other guys who were hyping it up. From 16-20 I continued down this road, PMO'ing daily, but having no urge to crossdress anymore. Instead of the crossdressing obsession, I focused my attention towards differing girls, which I would glorify and fantasize about in my head. I would pick a girl to focus on for a certain amount of time, in which I would consider all sorts of scenarios to measure whether she liked me (some of them probably actually liked me), but being too afraid to ask them out. During this time I was fairly popular, I had great friends and girls seemed to like me; it made me feel good about myself in the same way I felt good about myself as a preprubescent child (where this was also the case, although the girls mattered less then obviously), although now I think there might have always been some subconcious insecurity inside of me, even during these periods.
Obviously you are all familiar with the effects of PMO'ing and they gradually krept up on me during this time; part of the 16-20 period was already very difficult for me due to the sudden loss of my father to cancer at 18. I became less funny, less sociable, apathetic, my grades went to shit and eventually I had constant brainfog. When I went to study at uni, these issues became very apparent to me; I failed miserably and people did not like me anymore. I became a lonely loser and it hurt me a lot, I ended up quitting just over half a year into uni due to the poor grades.
I did not want to be a loser anymore so I started working a job, which in turn greatly helped my psyche. During this period I discovered nofap and slowly started reading up on it. I started taking nofap seriously in the summer in order to prepare for my next attempt at studying in uni. Slowly, but surely I was able to go longer and longer without PMO, yet never did I feel like I could hold it out forever.
When the new study started I felt like my old self during the latter 15 period, I made new friends and I had better grades then I would have ever dreamed of. However, each time I would relapse, I would feel like absolute trash for three days. This made me avoid social interaction during these days, but I would still do all my obligations. This continued on and my progress stalled somewhat, I was able to hold out about 2 weeks without PMO on average, once reaching 60 days, but I did look at P a couple of times during that streak.
With COVID, I could not physically attend my classes anymore. I faired quite well the first half a year, I picked up meditation and reading the Bible as a daily habit. My grades became even higher than before and I managed to stop being addicted to porn by reading the pmo SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION as well.
However, slowly since the start of my nofap journey, my AGP thoughts started getting back more and more and my attraction to girls has been getting less and less. I do not know if this is because I am in a perpetual state of flatline, due to me never making the 90 days, but I think AGP is an inherent part of my 'natural' sexuality.
This leaves me where I am now: I have lustful urges to crossdress again and to discover my feminine side. They are purely based on sexual lust, I do not rationally want to pursue these things. I do not know what to do with this, I have several options:
1. Engaging with my AGP-desires.
Dressing up always eventually makes me PMO, which gives me those terrible three days, it goes against my faith and it has the chance to eventually invade, and crush, my professional and social life.
2. Getting a girlfriend.
Getting a girlfriend is significantly harder when you do not feel attracted to girls as much as you used to. Plus, I would only want to date a girl that is ideally virgin and Christian, and those are already hard to find. Even if I do get such a girl, I would feel guilty about my AGP towards her as it is totally against my Christian values. Also, I do not know yet if I want to have sex before marriage so it might not be a sexual outlet for me until later.
3. Non-visual/non-fantasy M'ing without P.
This might make my AGP thoughts fade away, but I sincerely doubt if I could realistically keep this up and I have not been able to do this without feeling like shit afterwards yet.
4. More active life.
The slow road to progress, in the moments I am active these thoughts do not really come up much. The downside is, is that you cannot always be active. The vast majority of relapses happen when I am laying in bed alone trying to sleep.

This is my situation, I hope anyone can help me to solve this issue, because it is slowly eating away at me. I will always keep on trying to fight this challenge God has given me. Luckily, God gives us no challenges we cannot handle. I accept my situation even if there is no solution; I will be like sisyphus (call me sissyphus then lol), fighting to not let the boulder that is AGP crush me. Amor fati.

modernstore99 · Nov 5, 2020

Oberdan63 said: ↑

Hello fellow nofappers,
First off all, I want to thank all the people who contribute to this forum; all the help and insights that I have been looking at for just over a year now have greatly aided me in improving my life.
However, unfortunately, Im not completely "cured" yet and this nofap journey has brought some ugly things to light as well that I struggle with at the moment. This might be a long post, but in order to properly understand my situation I think it is important to draw the full picture. I have looked at tons of posts about these sorts of situations on this forum and others, but the advice never really was satisfying. I am open to all advice, because I do not think e.g. therapy could help me + as a student I am financially limited. I did not think I would ever have the courage to write this down and ask for help, but here we go. This post might be triggering for people with AGP, although I will try not to make it sexual in nature.
As you can read by the title, throughout this journey I have discovered that autogynephilia, the sexual propensity to be aroused by the thought of being/becoming a woman, is (at least currently) a part of my sexuality. I have had these feelings since I was a child and therefore I do not think that I can do anything to get rid of it. I believe these feelings to have originated from a traumatic event, viz. my sister forcefully dressing me up in a pink dress around the age of approximately 6/7 and dragging me downstairs to show my parents, which resulted in me being laughed at and feeling humiliated. After this event, I started fantasizing about becoming a girl (always in bed, never during daytime) and this made me feel turned on (I did not realize how to interpret these feelings at the time). However, I always was a real boys boy and I had an innate aversion to all feminine things, on top of this I always held my friends to high standards for not acting 'gay'. You could analyse this as a suppression of my feminity, but I have an alternative hypothesis where due to the severely lower standards of masculinity in modernity, the whole masculine role has become meaningless to me, resulting in a certain apathy and frustration around being a man (this theory is also mentioned in the controversial twitter book 'Bronze Age Mindset' and it resonated with me). This might seem a bit far fetched, but from when I was a child up until now I have always been a philosophical thinker (I know that sounds cringe lol, but it is true). The cause of my AGP then, seems to be interrelated between childhood trauma and masculine apathy, but Im not ruling out a genetic cause either.
The development of my AGP seems to have gone in a fairly common fashion (a lot is in line with Buckner's transvestic career path). Chronologically: attraction to girls, obsessive curiosity over lipstick, wearing lipstick, wearing panties, fully trying my sisters outfits and make up, being jealous of girls because I wanted to be one of them, wearing panties in public one time under my male clothing.
This was all pre P, the first time I watched P and also the first time I M'ed was at age 16. These practices did not involve M, but I was aroused the whole time; the sessions would always result in me being ashamed about them. I would always get angry at a certain point during the session, which in turn made me take off the clothing and make up as fast as I could. A feeling you could describe as similar to post-nut clarity, but without the nut lol.
This behaviour and these intrusive thoughts started becoming more intrusive when I was at age 14&15, resulting in depressed thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, whenever I would be alone. However, during the time spent in and outside of highschool with my (still) best friend, (I am currently 22), I felt great. This, my body (tall, broadshouldered, masculine facial features) and my inner masculine self were the reasons I did not transition.
At the latter end of me being 15, after the most intense version of said thoughts, I had to go to a different class where I entered a new friend group; this I regard as some of the best times from puberty onwards (I had a good/great childhood). During this time my AGP thoughts completely faded and I stopped crossdressing. This did not last long though, about three months.
Shortly after I became 16, I discovered PMO and I started watching stuff in line with AGP; first lesbian, then sissy/feminization stuff. I did not take these videos seriously and perceived it as healthy at first. I finally was able to M like the other guys who were hyping it up. From 16-20 I continued down this road, PMO'ing daily, but having no urge to crossdress anymore. Instead of the crossdressing obsession, I focused my attention towards differing girls, which I would glorify and fantasize about in my head. I would pick a girl to focus on for a certain amount of time, in which I would consider all sorts of scenarios to measure whether she liked me (some of them probably actually liked me), but being too afraid to ask them out. During this time I was fairly popular, I had great friends and girls seemed to like me; it made me feel good about myself in the same way I felt good about myself as a preprubescent child (where this was also the case, although the girls mattered less then obviously), although now I think there might have always been some subconcious insecurity inside of me, even during these periods.
Obviously you are all familiar with the effects of PMO'ing and they gradually krept up on me during this time; part of the 16-20 period was already very difficult for me due to the sudden loss of my father to cancer at 18. I became less funny, less sociable, apathetic, my grades went to shit and eventually I had constant brainfog. When I went to study at uni, these issues became very apparent to me; I failed miserably and people did not like me anymore. I became a lonely loser and it hurt me a lot, I ended up quitting just over half a year into uni due to the poor grades.
I did not want to be a loser anymore so I started working a job, which in turn greatly helped my psyche. During this period I discovered nofap and slowly started reading up on it. I started taking nofap seriously in the summer in order to prepare for my next attempt at studying in uni. Slowly, but surely I was able to go longer and longer without PMO, yet never did I feel like I could hold it out forever.
When the new study started I felt like my old self during the latter 15 period, I made new friends and I had better grades then I would have ever dreamed of. However, each time I would relapse, I would feel like absolute trash for three days. This made me avoid social interaction during these days, but I would still do all my obligations. This continued on and my progress stalled somewhat, I was able to hold out about 2 weeks without PMO on average, once reaching 60 days, but I did look at P a couple of times during that streak.
With COVID, I could not physically attend my classes anymore. I faired quite well the first half a year, I picked up meditation and reading the Bible as a daily habit. My grades became even higher than before and I managed to stop being addicted to porn by reading the pmo Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking as well.
However, slowly since the start of my nofap journey, my AGP thoughts started getting back more and more and my attraction to girls has been getting less and less. I do not know if this is because I am in a perpetual state of flatline, due to me never making the 90 days, but I think AGP is an inherent part of my 'natural' sexuality.
This leaves me where I am now: I have lustful urges to crossdress again and to discover my feminine side. They are purely based on sexual lust, I do not rationally want to pursue these things. I do not know what to do with this, I have several options:
1. Engaging with my AGP-desires.
Dressing up always eventually makes me PMO, which gives me those terrible three days, it goes against my faith and it has the chance to eventually invade, and crush, my professional and social life.
2. Getting a girlfriend.
Getting a girlfriend is significantly harder when you do not feel attracted to girls as much as you used to. Plus, I would only want to date a girl that is ideally virgin and Christian, and those are already hard to find. Even if I do get such a girl, I would feel guilty about my AGP towards her as it is totally against my Christian values. Also, I do not know yet if I want to have sex before marriage so it might not be a sexual outlet for me until later.
3. Non-visual/non-fantasy M'ing without P.
This might make my AGP thoughts fade away, but I sincerely doubt if I could realistically keep this up and I have not been able to do this without feeling like shit afterwards yet.
4. More active life.
The slow road to progress, in the moments I am active these thoughts do not really come up much. The downside is, is that you cannot always be active. The vast majority of relapses happen when I am laying in bed alone trying to sleep.

This is my situation, I hope anyone can help me to solve this issue, because it is slowly eating away at me. I will always keep on trying to fight this challenge God has given me. Luckily, God gives us no challenges we cannot handle. I accept my situation even if there is no solution; I will be like sisyphus (call me sissyphus then lol), fighting to not let the boulder that is AGP crush me. Amor fati.
Click to expand...

What's up man. I'm really sorry that you've gone through so much. Let me tell you about my story, which happens to be very similar to yours.

Looking back on my life, there are definitely times when I have favored traditionally "feminine" behavior, mannerisms, and appearances. I remember when I was 12, the first time I ever looked at "porn" was by looking up "boobs" and "butts" on Google safe search, and just marveling at the bodies. I didn't know what masturbation was, so I just looked and took in the dopamine high. I saw the women wearing thong underwear, and just instinctively bundled my boxers into a thong-like shape, pulled it between my ass cheeks, and sat there looking at the pictures. I also remember playing games with female friends where I had to put a dress on over my clothes, or walk some distance in high heels; it was never malicious or degrading like your experience (which I am so sorry to here about bro), but it was something I still did. I always made friends with girls, I cried a lot and was very sensitive, and I've always had a very young and soft face.

Fast forward through high school to my emasculating freshman year. I accidentally got a buzzcut and looked like an idiot, so my confidence was low from day 1. Even worse, when all my friends and I tried out for the football team, I was the only one to get cut, along with 5 other terribly un-athletic and weird guys out of 70 totally players. It was humiliating, and made me isolate myself from my friends, popular kids on the team, and girls at my school.

Around this time, I first stumbled into chastity porn on iFunny of all places, as well as starting to masturbate, at age 14. This led me to tumblr, which led me to those dreaded fap roulettes; endless scenarios and situations to PMO to, often new ones every night. I didn't know it, but this was the start of my sissy porn addiction.

At first I just thought it was some crazy weird stuff, but weirdly felt called to it. Locking away my penis, being seen as a female, being fucked as a female, was just so alluring. It started out as a fantasy, but the more I PMOed and the more my life went on, the more it started to seem real.

So many thing happened that made me think I was actually this "sissy" thing I had stumbled into on tumblr. The girl I asked to homecoming said no, even though she wasn't going with anyone else. I got cut from 3 different sports, all high intensity, all full of the most athletic and masculine guys, and all humiliating. I had not had sex with a girl (or even kissed one until senior prom), while all my friends were fucking their girlfriends or other girls at my school. I felt like a total effeminate loser, and that this sissy stuff was really how I was supposed to live my life. Being a feminine sex toy was the most arousing thing I could think of, and it was all I ever thought I could be

In reality, shit could not be more different. I got cut from football my freshman year, but made the team sophomore year; I wasn't very good, or very big, but damn was I in good shape. I had abs, arms, legs, could run fast and long, and was one of the best pound for pound lifters on the whole football team. I was smart as fuck, and many guys and girls relied on me to get the grades they got in school. I didn't know it, but 2 girls had both tried to make moves to fuck me and I kinda just didn't notice (Porn Brain 101). In a class senior year on sexuality, we had all the boys line up in front of class and get ranked on perceived masculinity (looking back this was a terrible activity for everyone's esteem), and I got ranked MOST MASCULINE in a class with 2 D1 athletes, 2 guys with beards, most of the guys being taller than me, etc. Fact of the matter is, the way I saw myself was not how other saw me; the way I saw myself and the world was all just being programmed in by porn, and I didn't know it.

College is where things started to spiral out of control. With no parent supervision and the ability to stay in my room all day, I was watching porn 3-4 hours a day everyday my freshman year. A lot of it was edging porn, one of the worst types for PIED, but we'll come back to that another time. My porn use started to get compulsive, and it started interfering with my academics and social life. I had no idea how much it was messing up my brain.

My life exploded the spring of my freshman year, when I was 19. For the first time, a girl wanted to have sex with me. I was so wired to porn and numb to real women she had to directly tell me "I wanna go back to your dorm and fuck". Long story short, I could not get erect at all. We were both friends and really really drunk, so we both shrugged it off as whiskey dick. But she wanted it bad. The next week, she told me to come over on a Friday night. She cleaned her room up, lit some candles, wore her nice underwear, and invited me over. When the time came, I could not get hard in any way. She cried a little because she thought I wasn't attracted to her. I cried a lot when I got home. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I have sex?

It's because I'm a sissy. I fucking knew it. All those captions, all those roulettes, all those stories, they weren't just fantasies. They were real. They were my lot in life. My destiny. I literally couldn't get hard to do my duty as a man, so why try and be one at all?

That summer I decked out in sissy gear. Chastity cage. Butt plugs. Dildos. Panties and Thongs. Dresses and outfits. I had it all. I used that stuff so much during that summer. I was sometimes PMOing 8 hours a day. It was taking over my life. However, doing these sissy things didn't feel like PMOing to it. It made me feel humiliated, degraded, and shameful. But that's what you're supposed to feel, aren't you? Any guy dressing up and fucking himself in the ass should feel humiliated, cos that's you're fucking place. All these sissy feelings began to internalize even more, to the point where I thought I was bi, gay, and even trans. I seriously looked into hormones and surgery, and thought about the changes it would have on my life. I was going to go all in.

By some chance, I came across NoFap on some sissy subreddit while I was thinking of some serious lifestyle changes. I checked it out, and eventually stumbled onto YBOP. These are the articles that influenced me the most.

Evolution has not prepared your brain for today’s porn
I’m straight, but attracted to transsexual or gay porn (or gay attracted to straight porn). What’s up?
Is my fetish porn-induced?
Are my sexual problems (ED, DE, low libido) related to my porn use?

Even though all these sites and guys said I could fix all my problems and be normal, I really didn't believe. I was made to be a sissy. My whole life showed it. I liked to be humiliated. I liked to be violated. I liked to be seen as an effeminate, worthless being. I decided to give it a shot, but with no expectations. If this reboot thing didn't work, I'd live out my life as a sissy, and probably live as a trans woman.

I embarked on my journey of a 3 month, hard mode reboot. Literally in the first three weeks off porn I went on a date with a girl I met, hung out a few times, and then we became exclusive. This really opened up my eyes to what real relationships were like, and allowed be to release a lot of my sexual tension from the reboot.

After my reboot, I started rewiring with sex. At first having sex and cumming just felt like a bodily process that was satisfying, but kinda gross and mechanical, like sneezing, yawning, or pooping. I also wasn't very hard. However, for about 1.5 months, my dick kept getting harder everytime I had sex, until it was so hard that it almost hurt and would definitely feel sore after. With extra hardness came extra sensitivity, which made the sex feel absolutely fantastic, leading me to only last 3-8 minutes. However, with the next 2 months, I grew more in tuned with my body and dick, gaining control over my arousal and orgasms. I could last anywhere between 3 and 20 minutes, and could have sex multiple times a day with my girlfriend. I was living my best life.

One day on my computer, I accidentally hit a search suggestion for some sissy website I had not deleted from my history. At this point, without exaggeration, I had not had a single thought about anything related to sissy porn, AGP, or anything related for 7 months. I kid you not, imagine never getting an urge, thought, or passing memory of this whole idea for seven while months.

I remembered all the porn I watched, how late I stayed up, and how much it interfered with my life. I thought of all the things I said to people online. I imagined all the things I wore and put inside my ass. I thought of all the humiliating, degrading, and misogynistic things I had thought about myself.

And I literally just laughed it off. "Lol, that was stupid, can't believe I did that."

NOW, I am not saying I'm fully cured. Porn addiction, especially sP and AGP stuff, gets you at your low points, and in the past year since I've broken up with my girlfriend, I've had a few. Being socially and romantically isolated because of Covid has also been really bad, since my main tools for fighting sP were having a stable romantic/sexual life, hanging out with friends a lot, and minimizing time in my room on my computer. I've had plenty of slips ups, especially recently.

HOWEVER, I am now very confident in my identity (who I am, what type of person I am, and how I present myself) and my sexuality (who/what I'm attracted to). I can say for a fact I am a straight, masculine male. All that stuff about being degraded/humiliated/embarrassed and being feminine/female is all just stuff programmed into me by porn when my self esteem was low. It's not who I am.

Now, there are certain things about sP and AGP that may be true to my sexuality. I like wearing sexy clothes, and I have some small, tight, bright underwear I like to wear before sex. It's definitely male underwear, but it isn't conventional. Anal stimulation and sensitivity is another one, as well as some BDSM elements. I have 2 reservations though before I go diving into these seemingly underlying desires.

1. My mind is obviously not clear of porn. I suspect once the pandemic is over, if I have steady improvement, I should be fully healed in about 2.3-3.5 years. At that time, I'll start experimenting with this other stuff. Until then, I'm going to focus on normal relationships, normal sex, and staying off porn.

2. Instead of investigating these desires by my horny-old self, I will investigate them with a partner. Having someone else just hear your ideas makes them more real, and easier to see if it's a stupid idea. Additionally, having a partner that loves you, wants the best for you, and wants you to live a fulfilled life is important when you're engaging in activities that involve risk, fantasy, and compromising situations. Having a loving partner prevents the pitfalls of internalized humiliation, subjugation, and self worth.

I hope I didn't overwhelm you man, I just want to let you know that you can take control of your desires and your life, and live however you want to. Going into a reboot with no expectations and then coming out ready to explore yourself from the ground up is so revealing and enlightening.

Please hmu in a DM, I'm sure I can talk to you more about your sexuality, urges, desires, and what you want out of your life. I was once confused as you were, and with guys on NoFap and YBOP, I was able to see the light, and then reach up and grab it.

ThePaladin · Nov 5, 2020

Don't give up hope on getting rid of AGP. My earliest sexual fantasies, I'm embarrassed to admit, were AGP in their character. And, like you, I ascribe the credit to that awful fetish to an instance of childhood feminization trauma, in which my aunt made me wear girl's underwear. I was raised in a highly feminizing environment by a doting, single mother and almost never felt comfortable around the adult men in my life. Obviously, this had a deep effect on me and this upbringing negatively impacts my character to this day. Like you, I am a very devoted Christian and my unusual sexual past has always been an enormous source of guilt to me. I know that it is something that godly men should not struggle with, and in my weaker moments I have wondered why the Lord sent me to live in the dysfunctional and feminizing home that I was raised in. I believe I would have always had a completely standard sexuality had I come out of the kind of Christian family unit that I hope to raise my own children in one day.

I want to encourage you. Despite this awful past and my years-long interest in sissy porn, today I do not have AGP / sissy fantasies. My NoFap journey has not been altogether successful, since I have failed to get streaks that last longer than about 10 days at a time. But the fantasies are all pretty healthy and I now get aroused by normal women, which was something that happened very rarely between puberty and when I gave up sissy porn. I no longer feel as if I am aroused at all to the idea of becoming a woman myself, or to wearing women's clothes.

What helped me early on in my NoFap experience:

-Cut sissy and feminization porn out of your life 100%. None whatsoever. Get those thoughts out of your head.
-If you must masturbate, fantasize about something else that arouses you that is unconnected to sissy fantasies.
-Do things to increase your masculine self-image. For me, working to be less skinny and striving to become more fit have helped me a whole lot.
-Talk about it with Christian people who you trust. For me, this has included friends and a few pastors. Getting it out in the open was helpful to me since it made it seem like a part of myself that I was actively confronting, rather than a part of me that was lurking in the shadows where no one could see it.

All that said, on my worst days, I still have some anxiety about "not being masculine enough." I believe that I care more about my appearance than most other men do, bordering on vanity at times. I hate this since this seems like a particularly effeminate character flaw and it doesn't help me rest 100% securely in my masculinity. So, I'm still working to destroy the legacy of AGP on my mind and heart, because I know that it is what the Lord Jesus wants me to do. But, at the very least, the sissy and AGP stuff doesn't make up any part of my sexual life, and I do feel more "normal" in my sexuality than I ever have. I think you could recover in a similar way if you just make it a real commitment to cut out AGP / sissy related stuff and direct your sexual fantasies towards women for a long stretch of time.

I will pray for you, brother, and I hope that you can do so for me too. I need to make more progress in my daily battle against PMO than I have of late. I feel like I lost a lot of motivation in the last month because of some massive romantic disappointments, and I am increasingly impatient with the Lord since I want more than anything to find a godly wife and to finally have a release for my sexuality that is holy and completely unconnected to those old AGP fantasies. Part of me believes that I will never be able to feel secure as a masculine while I remain a virgin who has never been able to romantically please a woman. And, approaching the age of 26, I'm just so sick of the unhappiness that my sexual life has caused me for so long. Please pray for a rest to my anxieties. Also feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about anything in a more detailed way. I completely support you since I identify greatly with your struggle as you've recounted it.

iwontfail67 · Nov 6, 2020

modernstore99 said: ↑

What's up man. I'm really sorry that you've gone through so much. Let me tell you about my story, which happens to be very similar to yours.

Looking back on my life, there are definitely times when I have favored traditionally "feminine" behavior, mannerisms, and appearances. I remember when I was 12, the first time I ever looked at "porn" was by looking up "boobs" and "butts" on Google safe search, and just marveling at the bodies. I didn't know what masturbation was, so I just looked and took in the dopamine high. I saw the women wearing thong underwear, and just instinctively bundled my boxers into a thong-like shape, pulled it between my ass cheeks, and sat there looking at the pictures. I also remember playing games with female friends where I had to put a dress on over my clothes, or walk some distance in high heels; it was never malicious or degrading like your experience (which I am so sorry to here about bro), but it was something I still did. I always made friends with girls, I cried a lot and was very sensitive, and I've always had a very young and soft face.

Fast forward through high school to my emasculating freshman year. I accidentally got a buzzcut and looked like an idiot, so my confidence was low from day 1. Even worse, when all my friends and I tried out for the football team, I was the only one to get cut, along with 5 other terribly un-athletic and weird guys out of 70 totally players. It was humiliating, and made me isolate myself from my friends, popular kids on the team, and girls at my school.

Around this time, I first stumbled into chastity porn on iFunny of all places, as well as starting to masturbate, at age 14. This led me to tumblr, which led me to those dreaded fap roulettes; endless scenarios and situations to PMO to, often new ones every night. I didn't know it, but this was the start of my sissy porn addiction.

At first I just thought it was some crazy weird stuff, but weirdly felt called to it. Locking away my penis, being seen as a female, being fucked as a female, was just so alluring. It started out as a fantasy, but the more I PMOed and the more my life went on, the more it started to seem real.

So many thing happened that made me think I was actually this "sissy" thing I had stumbled into on tumblr. The girl I asked to homecoming said no, even though she wasn't going with anyone else. I got cut from 3 different sports, all high intensity, all full of the most athletic and masculine guys, and all humiliating. I had not had sex with a girl (or even kissed one until senior prom), while all my friends were fucking their girlfriends or other girls at my school. I felt like a total effeminate loser, and that this sissy stuff was really how I was supposed to live my life. Being a feminine sex toy was the most arousing thing I could think of, and it was all I ever thought I could be

In reality, shit could not be more different. I got cut from football my freshman year, but made the team sophomore year; I wasn't very good, or very big, but damn was I in good shape. I had abs, arms, legs, could run fast and long, and was one of the best pound for pound lifters on the whole football team. I was smart as fuck, and many guys and girls relied on me to get the grades they got in school. I didn't know it, but 2 girls had both tried to make moves to fuck me and I kinda just didn't notice (Porn Brain 101). In a class senior year on sexuality, we had all the boys line up in front of class and get ranked on perceived masculinity (looking back this was a terrible activity for everyone's esteem), and I got ranked MOST MASCULINE in a class with 2 D1 athletes, 2 guys with beards, most of the guys being taller than me, etc. Fact of the matter is, the way I saw myself was not how other saw me; the way I saw myself and the world was all just being programmed in by porn, and I didn't know it.

College is where things started to spiral out of control. With no parent supervision and the ability to stay in my room all day, I was watching porn 3-4 hours a day everyday my freshman year. A lot of it was edging porn, one of the worst types for PIED, but we'll come back to that another time. My porn use started to get compulsive, and it started interfering with my academics and social life. I had no idea how much it was messing up my brain.

My life exploded the spring of my freshman year, when I was 19. For the first time, a girl wanted to have sex with me. I was so wired to porn and numb to real women she had to directly tell me "I wanna go back to your dorm and fuck". Long story short, I could not get erect at all. We were both friends and really really drunk, so we both shrugged it off as whiskey dick. But she wanted it bad. The next week, she told me to come over on a Friday night. She cleaned her room up, lit some candles, wore her nice underwear, and invited me over. When the time came, I could not get hard in any way. She cried a little because she thought I wasn't attracted to her. I cried a lot when I got home. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I have sex?

It's because I'm a sissy. I fucking knew it. All those captions, all those roulettes, all those stories, they weren't just fantasies. They were real. They were my lot in life. My destiny. I literally couldn't get hard to do my duty as a man, so why try and be one at all?

That summer I decked out in sissy gear. Chastity cage. Butt plugs. Dildos. Panties and Thongs. Dresses and outfits. I had it all. I used that stuff so much during that summer. I was sometimes PMOing 8 hours a day. It was taking over my life. However, doing these sissy things didn't feel like PMOing to it. It made me feel humiliated, degraded, and shameful. But that's what you're supposed to feel, aren't you? Any guy dressing up and fucking himself in the ass should feel humiliated, cos that's you're fucking place. All these sissy feelings began to internalize even more, to the point where I thought I was bi, gay, and even trans. I seriously looked into hormones and surgery, and thought about the changes it would have on my life. I was going to go all in.

By some chance, I came across NoFap on some sissy subreddit while I was thinking of some serious lifestyle changes. I checked it out, and eventually stumbled onto YBOP. These are the articles that influenced me the most.

Evolution has not prepared your brain for today’s porn
I’m straight, but attracted to transsexual or gay porn (or gay attracted to straight porn). What’s up?
Is my fetish porn-induced?
Are my sexual problems (ED, DE, low libido) related to my porn use?

Even though all these sites and guys said I could fix all my problems and be normal, I really didn't believe. I was made to be a sissy. My whole life showed it. I liked to be humiliated. I liked to be violated. I liked to be seen as an effeminate, worthless being. I decided to give it a shot, but with no expectations. If this reboot thing didn't work, I'd live out my life as a sissy, and probably live as a trans woman.

I embarked on my journey of a 3 month, hard mode reboot. Literally in the first three weeks off porn I went on a date with a girl I met, hung out a few times, and then we became exclusive. This really opened up my eyes to what real relationships were like, and allowed be to release a lot of my sexual tension from the reboot.

After my reboot, I started rewiring with sex. At first having sex and cumming just felt like a bodily process that was satisfying, but kinda gross and mechanical, like sneezing, yawning, or pooping. I also wasn't very hard. However, for about 1.5 months, my dick kept getting harder everytime I had sex, until it was so hard that it almost hurt and would definitely feel sore after. With extra hardness came extra sensitivity, which made the sex feel absolutely fantastic, leading me to only last 3-8 minutes. However, with the next 2 months, I grew more in tuned with my body and dick, gaining control over my arousal and orgasms. I could last anywhere between 3 and 20 minutes, and could have sex multiple times a day with my girlfriend. I was living my best life.

One day on my computer, I accidentally hit a search suggestion for some sissy website I had not deleted from my history. At this point, without exaggeration, I had not had a single thought about anything related to sissy porn, AGP, or anything related for 7 months. I kid you not, imagine never getting an urge, thought, or passing memory of this whole idea for seven while months.

I remembered all the porn I watched, how late I stayed up, and how much it interfered with my life. I thought of all the things I said to people online. I imagined all the things I wore and put inside my ass. I thought of all the humiliating, degrading, and misogynistic things I had thought about myself.

And I literally just laughed it off. "Lol, that was stupid, can't believe I did that."

NOW, I am not saying I'm fully cured. Porn addiction, especially sP and AGP stuff, gets you at your low points, and in the past year since I've broken up with my girlfriend, I've had a few. Being socially and romantically isolated because of Covid has also been really bad, since my main tools for fighting sP were having a stable romantic/sexual life, hanging out with friends a lot, and minimizing time in my room on my computer. I've had plenty of slips ups, especially recently.

HOWEVER, I am now very confident in my identity (who I am, what type of person I am, and how I present myself) and my sexuality (who/what I'm attracted to). I can say for a fact I am a straight, masculine male. All that stuff about being degraded/humiliated/embarrassed and being feminine/female is all just stuff programmed into me by porn when my self esteem was low. It's not who I am.

Now, there are certain things about sP and AGP that may be true to my sexuality. I like wearing sexy clothes, and I have some small, tight, bright underwear I like to wear before sex. It's definitely male underwear, but it isn't conventional. Anal stimulation and sensitivity is another one, as well as some BDSM elements. I have 2 reservations though before I go diving into these seemingly underlying desires.

1. My mind is obviously not clear of porn. I suspect once the pandemic is over, if I have steady improvement, I should be fully healed in about 2.3-3.5 years. At that time, I'll start experimenting with this other stuff. Until then, I'm going to focus on normal relationships, normal sex, and staying off porn.

2. Instead of investigating these desires by my horny-old self, I will investigate them with a partner. Having someone else just hear your ideas makes them more real, and easier to see if it's a stupid idea. Additionally, having a partner that loves you, wants the best for you, and wants you to live a fulfilled life is important when you're engaging in activities that involve risk, fantasy, and compromising situations. Having a loving partner prevents the pitfalls of internalized humiliation, subjugation, and self worth.

I hope I didn't overwhelm you man, I just want to let you know that you can take control of your desires and your life, and live however you want to. Going into a reboot with no expectations and then coming out ready to explore yourself from the ground up is so revealing and enlightening.

Please hmu in a DM, I'm sure I can talk to you more about your sexuality, urges, desires, and what you want out of your life. I was once confused as you were, and with guys on NoFap and YBOP, I was able to see the light, and then reach up and grab it.
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This is a mad post. Shows just how a porn addiction can turn you into something that scares you. Feeling FORCED to live a sissy life because porn has made you eroticise humiliation and degradation shows just how dangerous porn can be, especially for people with low self esteem and low self confidence brought upon by external factors and an internal lack of self respect. Good to hear you are doing much better.

solon77 · Jul 13, 2022

Oberdan63 said: ↑

Hello fellow nofappers,
First off all, I want to thank all the people who contribute to this forum; all the help and insights that I have been looking at for just over a year now have greatly aided me in improving my life.
However, unfortunately, Im not completely "cured" yet and this nofap journey has brought some ugly things to light as well that I struggle with at the moment. This might be a long post, but in order to properly understand my situation I think it is important to draw the full picture. I have looked at tons of posts about these sorts of situations on this forum and others, but the advice never really was satisfying. I am open to all advice, because I do not think e.g. therapy could help me + as a student I am financially limited. I did not think I would ever have the courage to write this down and ask for help, but here we go. This post might be triggering for people with AGP, although I will try not to make it sexual in nature.
As you can read by the title, throughout this journey I have discovered that autogynephilia, the sexual propensity to be aroused by the thought of being/becoming a woman, is (at least currently) a part of my sexuality. I have had these feelings since I was a child and therefore I do not think that I can do anything to get rid of it. I believe these feelings to have originated from a traumatic event, viz. my sister forcefully dressing me up in a pink dress around the age of approximately 6/7 and dragging me downstairs to show my parents, which resulted in me being laughed at and feeling humiliated. After this event, I started fantasizing about becoming a girl (always in bed, never during daytime) and this made me feel turned on (I did not realize how to interpret these feelings at the time). However, I always was a real boys boy and I had an innate aversion to all feminine things, on top of this I always held my friends to high standards for not acting 'gay'. You could analyse this as a suppression of my feminity, but I have an alternative hypothesis where due to the severely lower standards of masculinity in modernity, the whole masculine role has become meaningless to me, resulting in a certain apathy and frustration around being a man (this theory is also mentioned in the controversial twitter book 'Bronze Age Mindset' and it resonated with me). This might seem a bit far fetched, but from when I was a child up until now I have always been a philosophical thinker (I know that sounds cringe lol, but it is true). The cause of my AGP then, seems to be interrelated between childhood trauma and masculine apathy, but Im not ruling out a genetic cause either.
The development of my AGP seems to have gone in a fairly common fashion (a lot is in line with Buckner's transvestic career path). Chronologically: attraction to girls, obsessive curiosity over lipstick, wearing lipstick, wearing panties, fully trying my sisters outfits and make up, being jealous of girls because I wanted to be one of them, wearing panties in public one time under my male clothing.
This was all pre P, the first time I watched P and also the first time I M'ed was at age 16. These practices did not involve M, but I was aroused the whole time; the sessions would always result in me being ashamed about them. I would always get angry at a certain point during the session, which in turn made me take off the clothing and make up as fast as I could. A feeling you could describe as similar to post-nut clarity, but without the nut lol.
This behaviour and these intrusive thoughts started becoming more intrusive when I was at age 14&15, resulting in depressed thoughts, including suicidal thoughts, whenever I would be alone. However, during the time spent in and outside of highschool with my (still) best friend, (I am currently 22), I felt great. This, my body (tall, broadshouldered, masculine facial features) and my inner masculine self were the reasons I did not transition.
At the latter end of me being 15, after the most intense version of said thoughts, I had to go to a different class where I entered a new friend group; this I regard as some of the best times from puberty onwards (I had a good/great childhood). During this time my AGP thoughts completely faded and I stopped crossdressing. This did not last long though, about three months.
Shortly after I became 16, I discovered PMO and I started watching stuff in line with AGP; first lesbian, then sissy/feminization stuff. I did not take these videos seriously and perceived it as healthy at first. I finally was able to M like the other guys who were hyping it up. From 16-20 I continued down this road, PMO'ing daily, but having no urge to crossdress anymore. Instead of the crossdressing obsession, I focused my attention towards differing girls, which I would glorify and fantasize about in my head. I would pick a girl to focus on for a certain amount of time, in which I would consider all sorts of scenarios to measure whether she liked me (some of them probably actually liked me), but being too afraid to ask them out. During this time I was fairly popular, I had great friends and girls seemed to like me; it made me feel good about myself in the same way I felt good about myself as a preprubescent child (where this was also the case, although the girls mattered less then obviously), although now I think there might have always been some subconcious insecurity inside of me, even during these periods.
Obviously you are all familiar with the effects of PMO'ing and they gradually krept up on me during this time; part of the 16-20 period was already very difficult for me due to the sudden loss of my father to cancer at 18. I became less funny, less sociable, apathetic, my grades went to shit and eventually I had constant brainfog. When I went to study at uni, these issues became very apparent to me; I failed miserably and people did not like me anymore. I became a lonely loser and it hurt me a lot, I ended up quitting just over half a year into uni due to the poor grades.
I did not want to be a loser anymore so I started working a job, which in turn greatly helped my psyche. During this period I discovered nofap and slowly started reading up on it. I started taking nofap seriously in the summer in order to prepare for my next attempt at studying in uni. Slowly, but surely I was able to go longer and longer without PMO, yet never did I feel like I could hold it out forever.
When the new study started I felt like my old self during the latter 15 period, I made new friends and I had better grades then I would have ever dreamed of. However, each time I would relapse, I would feel like absolute trash for three days. This made me avoid social interaction during these days, but I would still do all my obligations. This continued on and my progress stalled somewhat, I was able to hold out about 2 weeks without PMO on average, once reaching 60 days, but I did look at P a couple of times during that streak.
With COVID, I could not physically attend my classes anymore. I faired quite well the first half a year, I picked up meditation and reading the Bible as a daily habit. My grades became even higher than before and I managed to stop being addicted to porn by reading the pmo Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking as well.
However, slowly since the start of my nofap journey, my AGP thoughts started getting back more and more and my attraction to girls has been getting less and less. I do not know if this is because I am in a perpetual state of flatline, due to me never making the 90 days, but I think AGP is an inherent part of my 'natural' sexuality.
This leaves me where I am now: I have lustful urges to crossdress again and to discover my feminine side. They are purely based on sexual lust, I do not rationally want to pursue these things. I do not know what to do with this, I have several options:
1. Engaging with my AGP-desires.
Dressing up always eventually makes me PMO, which gives me those terrible three days, it goes against my faith and it has the chance to eventually invade, and crush, my professional and social life.
2. Getting a girlfriend.
Getting a girlfriend is significantly harder when you do not feel attracted to girls as much as you used to. Plus, I would only want to date a girl that is ideally virgin and Christian, and those are already hard to find. Even if I do get such a girl, I would feel guilty about my AGP towards her as it is totally against my Christian values. Also, I do not know yet if I want to have sex before marriage so it might not be a sexual outlet for me until later.
3. Non-visual/non-fantasy M'ing without P.
This might make my AGP thoughts fade away, but I sincerely doubt if I could realistically keep this up and I have not been able to do this without feeling like shit afterwards yet.
4. More active life.
The slow road to progress, in the moments I am active these thoughts do not really come up much. The downside is, is that you cannot always be active. The vast majority of relapses happen when I am laying in bed alone trying to sleep.

This is my situation, I hope anyone can help me to solve this issue, because it is slowly eating away at me. I will always keep on trying to fight this challenge God has given me. Luckily, God gives us no challenges we cannot handle. I accept my situation even if there is no solution; I will be like sisyphus (call me sissyphus then lol), fighting to not let the boulder that is AGP crush me. Amor fati.
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Hello!

You received very good advice from modernstore99 and The Paladin.
As their life experience shows, P is the worst thing. Because of pornography, our brains no longer function properly.
Because you are a Christian, you must also understand that pornography is a weapon that the devil uses against the children of God.

What can you do? You need to regain your freedom step by step. The most important thing is to give up P. Pornography does not allow you to think and live normally. And I am in a struggle to have full control of my life. P was about to ruin my relationship with my wife. And that's why I decided to give up P.

Stop thinking about the things that shame you and give up everything that has to do with it. After a period of abstinence and without P, your body, created by God, will know what to do.

In the absence of a stable relationship with a girl (which would help you a lot) it is not uncommon for you to practice M from time to time.

If this relaxes you and makes you stop thinking about sexual fetishes so much then it is the least harm that can happen. In any case, M is much closer to normal than it is P. Of course, you must be careful not to get controlled by M and not to practice this habit too often.

It is normal to feel sexual desire, but you must be careful not to pervert these natural human feelings. If you abandon fetishes and MANDATORY pornography then you will take good steps towards the normalcy you want.

It's not easy, but step by step you will get where you want. With God's help and through your efforts.

Good luck and I expect good news from you!

P. S. Sorry if I wasn't always clear on what I said, but I used Google Trabslate because English is not my native language.

BrSweat · Jul 13, 2022

You should see a psychologist if possible, Agp and sissyfication is not normal in the slightest. Skimming through your post, there are many things I noticed which point to childhood trauma and deep seated issues/insecurities. You yourself said these crossdressing urges are purely sexual and that makes it alot easier for us to decipher where you stand.

Having sexual thoughts or urges thinking about wearing a fabric is abnormal. Think about it, when you wear your regular jeans and a tshirt do you get turned on? No, bc a fabric isnt supposed to be causing any sort of feelings except giving you confidence thats about it, not even close to sexual thoughts.

Once you resolve all this, you can better engage with this topic. Good luck man! You got this!

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