Ready to Cut It All Out - Sexlessly Married Guy

Making a change to live PMO free is not giving up or surrendering. You are taking control of an aspect of your life. Finding a healthier way of living is not a sacrifice. Focus on the positive in your actions and it will be easier to follow through.

 

It sounds like you want to do the right thing and be a healthier person. The thing is that you will have to find a healthy outlet to replace that dopamine driven rush that you have become so accustom too. Its not easy, and you probably are going to make a lot of mistakes, but if you keep at it you can make progress and learn to let go of PMO. I've been trying for 4 years now to quit, I've made a lot of progress but I still got along way to go.

 

Dude you're disrespecting yourself with a woman like that.

 

Your situation roughly overlaps with mine. So I do know what you’re going through and I deeply feel for you. At times it’s hard, especially when I’m emotional, but overall I get through the days just fine.

Even though you deserve better, you’re not taking it out on your spouse, but instead strive to be more faithful and more healthy. Whatever happens in the future, those goals will make it better for you and for her.

 

I agree. If the situation was other way around, she would've dumped his sorry ass. It's time to go for what you want and stop crying like a bitch. Sex is not everything but if you really want it then go have it. Period.

 

To the OP... my heart breaks for you, my brother. While the circumstances that are currently defining my sexless marriage are different than yours (my wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and all our energy is going into getting her through chemo), the real fire had gone out well before she got sick. And like your wife, mine was by far the more "experienced" of us when we married, me having been a virgin.

It's so hard because having regular, real-life sex (with a woman or women) is at the core of a man's sexual identity. (I'm speaking from the heterosexual POV of course). Take that away and it is almost impossible to maintain a strong masculine frame as we lapse into neediness. Women can sense when a guy isn't getting any and they either treat those men with aggression and disrespect, or they ignore them altogether. Which sets up a wicked negative feedback loop.

The exact opposite also holds. The man who's banging a woman (or several) on the regular will generally find himself drawing even more female attention. They just know. So how do you reverse the cycle and get back on the horse (so to speak) without violating the marriage covenant? I have never had a sexual relationship outside my marriage but I have certainly sought refuge in the digital world and my fantasy life.

I also share your struggle of being a man of faith and wondering if a lot of what I'm going through is God balancing the books for me marrying the wrong woman (or the right woman for the wrong reasons), or not doing other parts om my life as well as I could or should have. And, is my life as a sexual male essentially over, regardless of how much longer I live, even though at age 54 I'm physically in the best shape of my life and have almost as strong of a sex drive now as I did 30 years ago?

I do need to say that even though we haven't had sex for over 4 years now, we still do have a very strong friendship/partnership and sleep in the same bed so I'm grateful for that, anyway. In this time of COVID where so many are living totally alone, at least I have a good companion who despite our struggles has made me a better person.

This has been a very long post with no real advice or comfort to offer but I do want you to know you're not alone. In fact I'm seeing this theme coming through more and more from men of older ages (40s and upward). Maybe this is our time to come together and help pull one another up.

 

I have never been married so take this from just a logical point of view, not an experienced one.
Quit porn, work out, wait at least half of year, if there are no signs of things improving with your partner break up. You both deserve better.
In your 50's you sure aren't old. Most likely you still have many decades of good health and energy. I wouldn't give up and just accept things as they are if I'm miserable.

 

I have some similarities in my marriage of 15 years. Wife had a thyroid condition that destroyed her libido. And coming from a divorced family, I don't like to give up on relationships. But you have to look at relationships like a scale sometimes and decide if the good outweighs the bad. If you can't stand being around her and you feel that you can stand on your own two feet without her financially, GET OUT. Fuck ego, because you are essentially failing yourself staying with a woman that doesn't respect you. This challenge of abstaining from PMO will feel like the hardest thing you've gone through on top of all your ongoing issues, but if you keep the path, you will come out the other side stronger. I know it's cliché to say you only live once, but seriously, why spend your remaining time on Earth with a woman that treats you like that when you know it's possible to find a wonderful partner if you just put yourself out there? Don't give up on nofap, workout physically and mentally and make positive changes in your life!

 

so bro what about your sexual needs. How do you fulfill them ?

 

Hey man that's inspiring but how can you have a strong sex drive at 54. Any tips please ?

 

I have no real advice for you, but there's a very good book called "The way of the superior Men" by David Deida.
I could imagine that you can get a different point of view on your situation if you read it and maybe some ideas on how you could make your relationship better again.
Give it a try.

 

I'm 37 and have read about a lot of guys having low libido or at least a large decrease around my age, but I'm seemingly blessed (or cursed) with a sex drive so overactive it's like I'm a teenager still. I was fulfilling mine by using porn but it's finally got me to my breaking point recently. The other thing that porn, and let's be honest, normal television also does is gives you this expectation of a girlfriend or wife to be able to do things you jerk off to. So even though I like romance with foreplay and also prefer to fuck like an animal in many positions, my wife isn't into any of it and prefers more delicacy and no bells and whistles. And to me, it's boring as hell. So this is also part of why I want to rewire my brain. I have a deep respect for women and don't outwardly objectify them, but I am a man, and in my mind the fantasies can be so hardcore it affects some aspects of my life and I know it's warped my perception of what a healthy sex life should be. So I guess we will see how all this works out and if my brain can get back to the basics or something. Today is day 14 for me and the urges are nothing like yesterday, so I hope all the working out and writing I'm doing is filling the void I used to fill with spanking the baby octopus lol. I'm a child of divorce, so I don't give up on relationships easily. But I guess if this doesn't help my situation with her, I will also have to evaluate if the pros outweigh the cons of our relationship and make a big life decision. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I've accepted it as a possibility.

 

Take care of your body. Eat right and exercise to be someone you can at least stand to see naked in the mirror. You hear this all the time but it's true. I'm 6 feet tall and 4 years ago I was 195 lbs and probably 25% bodyfat, drinking vodka or beer every night and eating shit. I looked awful ("skinny fat") and had no sex drive at all. Now thanks to weightlifting, cutting out processed foods, sugars and alcohol (mostly) I weigh 178 at 13% bodyfat and literally feel like a new man. I started those lifestyle changes about the same time I started NoFap because my wife was in chemo (first time) and I wanted her to come out of that to a better man. Within the first 6 months I started getting regular morning wood which hadn't happened for years and now happens pretty much every night sometimes more than once. So long story short, eat well, exercise (specifically, full-body workouts w/heavy weights) and NoFap (though frankly I haven't done as well with that as with the diet and exercise pieces). Ashwagandha, Vitamin D and maca root help, too.

 

do you ever talk to your wife about sex? I know she could still do it.. NoFap is good for you to have an erection for your wife and be more turned on by her presence.. I believe the feeling would be mutual if she'd seen it.. do you initiate touch? hugs kisses? hold her hand?.. treat her like a new woman you just met and are sexual interested in! admire her boobs and body in a way only a loving husband or pervert can lol but only for her I'm truly sure she'll be flattered as long as she still has love for you... communicate and find out is sex even close to being on the table.. but to be honest she seems a bit distant (although I don't know you or her) I hope She herself hasn't cheated, because sometimes we as males can be oblivious to those signs and signals.. but communicate, give your self a break from masturbation for a few months if you can help it.. stabilize yourself emotionally and get yourself in gear to be a new man... (and if all else fails...(some ppl will hate this but) .. get an escort to make love to that your body needed but not to much

 

I do

I don't agree... I think he/you should stay with her, divorce is a stupid process if done to early.. if he/you finds someone else before things get better with wife, form a plan wait until kids are out of the house(would hate to change family dynamic if things are fine) then separate if you both can to, or even care to.. unless she is cheating which I'm sure would not sit well with you emotionally then separate how ever you feel comfortable... we don't know you so take advice with grains of salt