Day 63 With boats given by the Elfs we sail on the river Anduin. The journey continues south to Amon Hên Stay strong brothers!
Day 13 complete! This has been a really clean streak for me so far, and I'm very joyful about that. Urges to M are still a problem but I feel as though I'm well on my way to cleansing my brain of the porn that has infected it for 8 years. @OttarrTheVendelCrow Russian sounds like a challenge! Do you have experience with Slavic languages?
Day 63. Feeling overwhelmed today. I am really feeling the impact of the chaser effect. I am having urges and catching myself wanting to fantasize more. I knew that this wave would come after the wet dream that I had on Sunday night. On top of this, I am still feeling a little bit of PAWS, although it has not been nearly as bad lately. I have been purposefully exposing myself to social situations in order to damper the social anxiety I have been feeling from PAWS. Its so important to keep PAWS and the chaser effect in view when on our path to recovery. So far, these have been my biggest obstacles to getting clean and starting a healthy sex life. Both cause the urge to self soothe with masturbation or pornography. They are insidious and seem to come out of no where when you are feeling your best. They represent the valley's of the road we are on. Below is a picture that I find to be a good illustration of what recovery is like in our mind vs. reality. Stay strong brothers!
Day 25. I have reached the Watchtower of Amon Sûl! Nearing a month now, and I've found in the past that around 1 month, around 3 months, and around 6 months there are spikes in urges. In the past, the gateway has always been allowing M to come back in, which of course brings fantasizing, which makes it harder to not go fishing, which.... So I'm holding fast to the decision to keep M out of the deal, and that's been feeling good so far. It definitely bothers me since I want to feel like I can have a healthy sexual relationship with myself, but I suppose the alcoholic also wishes he could have a single night cap to end a hard day and well, some things just aren't a good idea. As far as the counter debate goes, for me counting days helps get past those first two really hard weeks--when I'm climbing out of the gutter, any hand hold I can grab helps. After that, I'm less concerned about seeing the days as an accumulation of sobriety and more as advanced warning of where I've fallen off the wagon before--"oh, I'm coming up on 30 days, there's usually a spike around now, better be extra vigilant". And this challenge is, I think, a really positive spin on it--it's not just a number, it's a journey, and that gives a sense of progress that I find very rewarding. Again, I don't see it as a goal or a trophy, but more a tool for reflection. And the second it stops being a motivating factor and instead another chain holding me down, it's gone.
Day 2 Mixed emotions, but no relapse as a result I have become really close friends with a girl from my school and she really has a thing for me As many here know, I am not really into women, so there is just a bit of a mildly humorous sexual tension when we are on calls Part of me wonders if experimenting would hurt, as she is the only female I have even a mild attraction to For example, she has a rather deep voice for a female, and she jokingly uses it to get me going down there All in good fun, but I feel undecided on if I would do anything if given a chance Any advice? I am not at all intimidated by the possibility, it is different than my usual HOCD stuff
well, honestly, this clash against personal values. for me, i won´t have trouble with that, and just have sex with her. but if you´re truly commited to stay abstinence until marriage, then it´s pretty much hard mode for you. on the positive side you´ll gain much more power and confidence much faster. but on the downside, the urges can become stronger. so, rule of thumb, never encourage lust in your mind, never. try to be mindful of those thoughts, don´t dwell on them, because sexual thoughts fuel urges and promotes objectification. even about her. also try to avoid any sexual stimulation that you both might have with each other. try to keep it light and on the romantic side practice physical exercise and take cold showers on a regular basis. and that´s it . needless to say that you must avoid all kinds of sexy material since that also fuels urges (and pmo)
You´re doing great bro, but take care. don´t push yourself too much. face your fears in the limit that feels confortable for you. stretch it bit by bit, as long as you feel confortable. if you´re facing situations that you´re not ready to face, then the fear and anxiety can become overwelming. be gentle with yourself brother, follow your natural flow