It's been quite a while

It's been about a year and a half since I last posted and a lot has happened, not for the better.

First, I had a mental health episode that lead to me losing my job. After yet another defeat from PMO I found myself wanting to eat my feelings so I drove off into the night to get some greasy fast food. I kept driving. I also left my phone at home. I stayed in a motel and could have called work to let them know I wasn't coming in, I didn't because I simply didn't care.

I wanted, at one point, to kill myself. I've toyed with that idea for nearly 15 years now. I thought being way out of my comfort zone would give me the push necessary to finally pull the trigger. It didn't.

Fast forward a few months I have a new job and I meet a girl. We start dating but just like the last gf I wanted sex as soon as possible and she obliged. Once sex enters a relationship I can't focus on the person, only what we do behind closed doors. It wasn't a great relationship and I should have ended it sooner but I crave companionship. However that's a discussion for a different day.

I eventually lost my new job and despite applying numerous times at numerous places every day for months I had no joy. I lost it all and now I'm almost 30 living with my parents going back to school.

My depression and anxiety is worse than it's ever been. My struggle with PMO is just an inescapable routine now. I almost don't care if I get caught by my parents at this point. My promiscuity is also getting out of hand. I hooked up, twice, with someone who I would not only consider unattractive but downright ugly. I didn't care, she had two boobs and a vagina.

I'm at the lowest point in my life, I'm dealing with it alone and worst of all, the addiction that started nearly 15 years ago still plagues me.

 

At this point I don’t know. I honestly feel like I’m just circling the drain. Every day is more exhausting than the last.