Girlfriend found an old hard drive.

Your not alone i have pretty much the same story. Porn grabbed me before i even knew what it was i was watching, i was so young. Then through the years, like you, it escalated. To be honest I haven't reconciled the weird porn i use to watch with my loved one. She is well aware that i am on here and i have struggled and continue to but she doesn't know the things I've seen. I never kept, downloaded, or saved anything from my past use. I don't see the need to drag her through all the muck and disgust that I have seen because, for us, it wouldn't be beneficial going back there. We have come to an understanding that we want to focus all our energy on building the present moment and the future us, not dig into the dirt of the past. Personally i have no underlying desire to go back there at all, like you. Talk to her, it sounds like there is some shaming being done by her and maybe a simple expression of how that makes you feel and how you want to use your collective energy to work on where your going, not where you've been. Make an exercise out of it perhaps? An open conversation can clear alot of this if you both are willing to talk without getting upset and listen. Additionally it doesn't sound like she fully understands the addiction aspect of it. Emphasize that. What you saw, what you watched wasn't because you were into that stuff, it was because your brain was craving a bigger and bigger dopamine hit. Novelty. Maybe watch the yourbrainonporn video with her so she can begin to understand that this is truly, like any other, an addiction. Through better understanding she might empathize and help build a supportive foundation with you. I hope this helps you guys and the best of luck to you.

 

Just wanted to say I don't think incest fantasies are fucked up. I mean, of course you don't want to fuck your sister. The people in that porno weren't actually related. They were actors, playing out a fantasy. A fantasy that lots of people play out in relationships with their partners, I might add. And while watching 20-21 year olds at your age might make her uncomfortable, it's not that weird. I'm in a relationship with a woman who is older than me than that. Besides, most porn is super young chicks, that's not your fault. It sounds to me like your girlfriend is kind of judgemental.

 

Like all addictions, there is a starting baseline. Once tolerance is reached, there becomes a new baseline. The more you indulge in the "drug", the higher and higher hit you need to maintain the same feeling as before. Addictions escalate.

Knowing this, I never really asked my husband what type of genres he was into in the beginning of his recovery. I knew it was unrelated to who he was as a person. It wasn't until later that we discussed it, and only for the purpose of trying to link something from childhood to the genre, which makes me wonder if it is the same for all men to an extent. I didn't enjoy hearing about what he watched because some of it really crossed those boundaries, which I won't go into detail on here to avoid any triggers. It was gross. But I will say to an extent, I can understand what your girlfriend is feeling and going through.

A lot of men on here talk about how their porn use and relationship is separate from each other. It is only to a small extent that it is separate because of the way porn influences and restricts thought processes. What is actually separate is the genre and real life. There are men on here that escalated to certain genres and acted out on them in real life, only to regret it deeply because of the inner conflict of who they were as a person vs who porn made them out to be.

Speaking as an SO, I can say that the genres you watched were due to escalating "drug" use and not a reflection of your true sexual interests. I would also say it could be beneficial to your recovery to see if there is something from childhood, some type of trauma that occurred that included the characters you were drawn to in those incest videos. That is what we uncovered with my husbands addiction. His childhood trauma was related to the genre he escalated to.

 

It might be i suffer from this addiction. I used to have a gf and she wanted to watch porn with me(we never did), to see what i am into. It always made sense to me that im living in fantasy and not wanting or expecting those things in reality. My goal was to eventually get away from that stuff, as i saw the path it was leading me on.

 

She is hurting a lot and in a lot of pain to find this out about you. She is angry it seems. Keep committing yourself to being a better man and belong her heal by being loving.

 

Your story has similarities to my husband and I.

We're in our 30s as well and he'd gotten into some taboo stuff, which I came across and in my traumatized state, I kept digging to find more evidence. I felt like he was hiding more (and he was). And at that point I felt as if I needed to know everything. My husband calls it my detective work. I came across the video history and it definitely had an unsavory pattern. And I felt the need to talk about it for a few reasons: it was always on my mind, I wanted him to know that I was aware of the specifics, and I felt like I needed to know everything because I suddenly felt like I didn't know him at all anymore. He also had a similar reaction as you where he felt like talking about it was uncomfortable and no good for moving on with recovery.

Try to be understanding with her need to talk but also communicate your discomfort and why you struggle to talk about it. I think as long as your not blowing her off and ignoring her, you two can reach a happy medium when discussing feelings or discoveries. This is your addiction but it does affect her, especially when she stumbles across something unpleasant.

 

It's hard to see each other as suffering because both of you are so vulnerable.

 

If you have the closest person in your life needling your past addiction sh*t, it is not going to end well. It competes with her and is easy pickings to shred your reforming being. I wish you well and I wish you strength. Do not become an enslaved, guilted prisoner to someone else’s weaknesses-we have enough of our own!

 

If she's doing this regularly then she still has trauma she needs to work through. Also, throw away your computer and drives. Keeping them around and stuff like that is only setting yourself up for failure.

 

Girlfriend is manipulating to shame and control. Dump her now , it will only get worse as the will occur in ever other area of your life beyond her current manipulation. Set her free, she’ll do it again to her next!