Peter Pan Syndrome - I dont look forward for my future life, I dont actually want to continue living

Dad got a little bit angry at me, being worried that I don't have a specific plan on what I'm gonna do if I finish my Master degree in 2 years. I'm gonna be 25 then, and I'd have to earn my own money by then

I study what I study because that's my passion, my hobby. And I want to become an expert in that field. I don't study it because i know there are a ton of jobs out there which are all well payed. I simply can't stand the idea of working for a chef, whom i don't care about, to work on a project, for which i don't care about, to work with other people for whose lives I don't care about. I will hate to pretend to be another human being.

Dad told me that I could give tutoring to pupils. But I simply don't wanna do it, as it's not a financial necessity right now (we're pretty good middle class). Also, similar to that chef situation, I can't stand working with someone I simply won't care about (here it's the pupil)

I just came to the conclusion that I must be a 12 year old inside the body of a 23 year old, the thought of a "career", working, relationship, you know that standard stuff "everybody" goes through makes me vomit and jump in front of a train.

If I will finish studying in 2 years, I'm gonna be very unhappy with life.

I just want to know from where did that Peter Pan Syndrome came from. I always thought that it may be Aspergers but I kind of think that I'm "too social" to be Aspergers

 

I never thought that I haven't lived out my childhood properly and had to repeat it.

It's just that I don't see any sense in adulthood, because as I said, I'd have to care for people and projects I don't care about. It's like putting on the adult mask and playing a different role

It's kind of like "you need to go working, have a family and an own place to live because that's what everybody did"

My dad told me that he was happy as fuck when he finally got out of home and got his own work, and cannot understand why I'm lacking that desire for own entrepreneurship

Well, I don't know why. I just don't have the motivation to live i guess, or to pursue a career

Maybe it's because I know that if I die, it won't matter.

 

Goals: Nothing. Plain simple.

My hobbies and interests are science (math and physics), languages (especially creating your own language), history, motorsports

 

How? Those hobbies are essentially useless unless you want to become a university professor which i don't want to, as for motorsports it's too late (you've gotta be a millionaire and young)

 

But where am I being negative? I'm realistic I'd say, my hobbies and interests are "nerd stuff", and that's the problem here.

Why? Let's say someone studies maths, and if they want to get a job in some years it will always ultimately be a job which will be uninteresting as fuck (for me!!) like working in a financial sector or for an IT company, where you as a mathematician will do some smart calculations.

The same would be the case if they'd be studying physics, languages or history. Those are interesting subjects (for me), but If you wanna get a job you simply have to "adjust" to the given system. The only way to get a job in "pure" mathematics, physics, languages,... Is to become a profesor, but I hate the academical environment, I don't fit in into that

For motorsports, the only way to do something here is to get into eSports and even then it's not a guarantee that someone will sponsor you in the future in a real life series.

 

I've been doing that for several years already and still i don't have a clue what to do. I'm even studying one of the mentioned subjects

I simply don't know what i want to do in life career wise. All of my friends have a clear picture what they wanna do, and have already done apprenticeships in companies they'd like to be connected with in the future. And I'm just like wtf

I don't know if I'm just a lazy millennial, or if that hustle culture is just ridiculous, or if it's both. But I already see myself trying to get myself fired from jobs I've taken in the future so I'd have an excuse to live with my parents

I'm just the kind of person who would take the universal basic income and not work and not do anything in life, just lay in my bed, eat the cheapest pizza you can find in a super market and watch YouTube. Repeat that until you're 80 and then dying

 

If I'd be logical, I'd chose entirely different career paths which I would hate to be part of but earn a good amount of money and be "insured" for the rest of my life

I can't be a robot, I'd rather be poor but happy instead of rich but pissed

 

I guess I don't quite understand what you mean with that emotional and logical thing right now

Let's say, id be more driven by logic and not my emotions, how would I behave about not knowing what I wanna do in the future career wise?

Because "logical" for me seems to be to choose a career path you feel you're most talented at, but what if you'll be unhappy about that career choice? I can't tell myself "shut up negative emotions, this is the right choice logically".

I will definitely not want to live such a life