Wrestling with a fetish all my life

I had a friend who was an ex drug addict, and devoted his life to helping others through their recovery. He said 99% of people didn't make it out, but his work was worth it for the 1% who did.

 

No worries, it's an important discussion to have, I think. We need to be aware that our church leaders aren't perfect, but there's imperfect (everyone) and disgraceful (which our church leaders cannot be). There's perfect (which we can't expect of anyone) and respectable (which we must expect of our church leaders). Thankfully the New Testament gives us models of what to expect from leaders (1 Timothy 3). Perhaps all church leaders struggle with or have struggled with lust - certainly I know of some in my life who would confess to it. But that doesn't necessarily mean they are still stuck in PMO, and I think it is reasonable to expect the church to be lead by people who aren't stuck in this or any other addiction.

So yes, the church is full of sinners, even addicts, but the church is a place for them to come and find healing, so that's okay. The problem comes when - as Tao points out - those who lack self control or any sense of conviction are the ones in leadership. Sadly, when news of these errors get out, a poor image of church as a whole is presented to the outside world.

I just remembered a story about a member of a church leadership team (a deacon or curate I can't remember, but not the vicar / head pastor) who was caught having an affair with a member of the congregation. This minister was fired on the spot. He repented of his error with the help of the church and was welcomed back into the fold. He did not return as a leader, just a member, but the church welcomed him back to the extent that the return of this prodigal son was announced on stage in front of the entire congregation. So, this man was not "beyond reproach" (1 Timothy 3 again), but nonetheless welcomed back into his church as part of Christ's body.

 

I dreamed about my fetish this morning, in particular that I was drawing and animating scenes that I liked. Dreams about my fetish have been a lot more frequent than they were before I last PMO'd, and pretty vivid too.

On the one hand, it's a clear sign that my mind has reacted to change and therefore that a change has occurred, which is good!

But on the other hand, these dreams have the potential to trigger relapse, which is bad. I always was and still am at my weakest when I wake up, and it's much worse when my fantasies hijack my dreams.

This is especially worse when these dreams contain novel ideas that I probably would follow through if I were still in the deepest depths of my addiction, because novelty itself is a trigger. Thinking about this issue of more frequent dreams and how they could trigger me got me thinking the other day that I should take an inventory of weak points that remain despite my progress, in order to be better prepared for the potential of relapse.

My weak points are:

• Novel ideas
• Dreams about the fetish
• My mental state first thing in the morning
• Stress, in particular when I feel I'm losing control
  
• A tendency to touch myself in response to stress when I'm alone, as a sort of 'tic' more-so than masturbating per se.

It's easy to see how each of these could lead to relapse. I need to pray against them and where relevant analyse them with the same scrutiny I have been analysing the fetish in general, trying to understand where these weaknesses come from and what the real needs behind them are so I can let God provide for them. There could be other things I've not considered of course... limiting my vigilance to these things alone could itself lead me to be blindsided by something else!

 

Having shared some thoughts in another thread, I feel like unpacking them a bit more with respect to my own fetish: what am I trying to achieve when I dissociate as a woman in bondage?

Trigger warning - and even if you aren't triggered by these fantasies, it will be kinda graphic and possibly disturbing.

Self-bondage for me has always been more than just masturbating - or rather I would say it's more of a surrogate for sex than just masturbating, with or without porn, ever was. I was naked when I did it... I liked the feeling of my own skin pressed against my own skin. Though movement of my arms was of course limited, I liked to feel what skin I could with my fingers. But because I was disassociating as the women of my fantasies, in my head it wasn't my own skin I was touching, but theirs. It was a way of forming an intimate connection with them. I'll come back to this.

The moment I first realised I enjoyed the sensation of my own skin, pretending it was somebody else's, is a very vivid memory from my mid-teens. I was getting changed out of my school uniform and when I was down to my underwear decided to tied myself to my chair, perhaps somewhat spontaneously. Thinking about a girl from school as I touched my own body in the process gave me a thrill, and before long I decided I didn't want to be wearing anything during these experiences.

As a side note, I wasn't so attracted to this girl when I first met her, but slowly came to realise that she was actually quite attractive. I think this was exacerbated by "mufty day" (British English name for day when we don't have to wear school uniform) when she showed up at school in somewhat revealing clothes, causing me to notice her body. I don't remember whether this particular day was a trigger for thoughts in the previous paragraph.

Anyway, nudity during my sessions, along with the idea of dissociating as the women of my fantasies, was a way of forming an intimate connection with them. Even if I ever got the opportunity to actually tie any of the women up (praise God this has never happened!), it would never be enough to just sit and watch them... I would need to be them, which is impossible. But self-bondage gets me close to that. It's not sex, but in my mind it was always got me closer to it than just watching and masturbating.

I was always insecure about my singleness, with a fear of always being single and therefore never being married or getting to have sex. But at least I had my 'sessions'. I think I've mentioned this before but part of by desire for marriage and sex was so I could be "normal". I didn't want people to think I was weird for being single or never having had sex. But these are completely false motivations derived from my fear of what others think. My identity is not in my sexual history (or lack thereof) or what others think of my. My identity is in Christ. I have gradually become more comfortable with my own singleness. I sometimes wonder if deep down it's what I actually want, but then are are times I do feel genuinely lonely. Anyway, comfort with and acceptance of my singleness does seem to show some correlation with my progress in recovery, so it's likely they are interconnected, and it's not hard to see why.

 

Yes, and about the 7-month mark Thanks! It's great to look back and see how far I have come, praise God and thank you all for your encouragements and support!

But I see my counter more as an aid for others than for myself. If I had never given into this sin, I wouldn't need to be counting days, and I'd like to be in that mindset. Besides, as Tao often says, each day is its own victory! But I also want to show others who have been stuck in this sin that this number of days is possible.

---

A tough day today. Started well, but I got to overthinking about some things in the afternoon and it's triggered some generally negative emotions. Gonna take it easy for the rest of the evening as I have a busy week ahead.

 

A brilliant question. I think there have been multiple moments. If you go to my first post, where I have edited in "recovery keypoints" and look at the post about realising there is no reward and all those after, some moments are probably covered in those posts.

• Certainly the one where the futility of PMO completely sunk in was right at the beginning of this streak, even before.
  
• Also the post I wrote about actually hating the sin and how it affects others was a major turning point for me.
• Another post about connecting with my inner child would be another.

The frequency of fetish-related dreams is another notable change (albeit a negative one). In fact I had yet another last night.

But yes, I will ponder your question as there may be some key points of positive changes I have yet to list.

 

I haven’t thought of any further, positive watershed moments since the ones I mentioned above, but I think some revelations I’ve had today and yesterday may actually be one of those moments!

My motivation in general but especially for running was stronger when I was deep in PMO. The fact that I lack it now could be due to a number of other factors also (recent stress, lethargy following the pandemic and lockdowns) but withdrawal certainly won’t help. A lack of motivation is said to be a symptom of too little dopamine, which is natural for withdrawing from a habit of completely flooding my mind with it for so long.

Temptations have felt a bit stronger lately (revealing summer clothing is not helping!), but as I have reflected on the difficulties I’m having with motivation, one of the key points I picked up from SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION came to mind: giving in would only serve to make the withdrawal even worse in the future. I’m having this struggle with motivation BECAUSE I used to PMO, so where on earth is the logic in diving back in?!

I was already aware of that point, but I think I needed reminding.

It has struck me that maybe it is time to focus on how to rebuild my brain’s reward system. This was always my goal, but perhaps it is more the case that rather than rewire, the last 200+ days free have helped me to rip out the old, faulty wires, and now it’s time to refresh the system with some new circuits and calibration of the same.

Perhaps my goals outside of PMO need to be different also. Take running, for example. I used to focus on long-distance, country running but switched to running up hills. This was partly because of a change of location but I also found it helped me de-stress at times when I was frustrated with myself! I discovered a new high from running until my heart couldn’t take any more. Then I was able to run all way up the hill, still getting the runner’s high. But as I got used to the runner’s high the reward faded… like PMO, I always needed bigger and bigger thrills. I tried a steeper hill, almost making it to the very top once, but never getting that far again. Perhaps I had pushed myself so hard my body couldn’t take it no matter how hard my heart beat. Either way, the motivation issues started, and I wasn’t as good on my hills as I used to be. I wasn’t used to long distances anymore either. Getting mental reward from exercise was becoming impossible, and the problem began to feed itself.

Maybe it’s time to go back to long distance again. Okay, I used to strive for longer and longer distances or faster times, and again this could be demotivating when I failed. But there were times when the reward wasn’t so much achieving the distance but just enjoying the area where I went running. The reward was in the moment, not the goal. Perhaps that is what I need to rewire my brain to do.

I thrive on achievements and I hate wasting time. So if I push towards an achievement that I don’t believe I’ll make, I fear this to be a waste of time and I lose motivation. As I have written before, this was a challenge with drawing and other creative projects – I didn’t want to start something I might not finish. I was so fixed on the goal that I couldn’t enjoy the experience of just being creative.

The only time I could motivate myself to draw was when I was putting my fetish on paper. In general, it’s easy to motivate ourselves to do any kind of PMO activity, whatever form the P takes for us. Our sex drive roots us in the moment, which deep down is what we want, but it often uses sinful things to do this.

I think I understand more than I did already why mindfulness is so good for us. In mindfulness find we reward not in achieving but in experiencing. PMO is addictive because in some sense it is a mindful activity, just not a wholesome one.

Last night, I started drawing a more wholesome story again, regardless of whether I finish what I start, and already I began to feel my motivation come back. This morning I went for a long run. I had to stop and start a few times, and didn’t run for quite as long as I intended. But again, this didn’t matter. It was a nice day in some nice countryside. If I had to stop and walk, it’s because my heart needed to catch up, and that in itself is a moment I can enjoy. I felt good after the run… I felt rewarded!

Jesus even commands mindfulness:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” - Matthew 6:34

Reading Scripture and spending time with God can also be a mindful activity. Sometimes we sit down and think “today I will read X chapters” or “I will read the Bible in a year”…. But then it becomes an achievement and therefore a source of potential frustration. There are places for these disciplines, yes, but there is value in just sitting and reading what your heart leads you to read. In the past I have lost myself just jumping about Scripture looking at cross-references, context etc., and felt very rewarded not only by what I learned but also by just being in that moment with God.

---

Building on this topic of changes, perhaps the “negative” changes such as loss of motivation or even the dreams are used by God to pave the way for positive change. My thoughts on motivation above are a perfect example. Realising the negative effects of PMO on my motivation have helped me to rethink how I motivate myself from now on. Perhaps the dreams can somebody be working into a positive change?

 

As it happens, I did have another fetish dream last night. Though it wasn’t so much a dream in which I enjoyed the fetish, rather it was a dream in which I was caught looking at fetish material! A technician came to help me with some issues on my laptop, but I had tabs of bondage photos open. Any attempt to close a tab or a window would just reveal another one I had open behind it. In my panic I had even somehow accidentally set one of these images as my wallpaper, so minimising everything didn’t work either! I was frantically trying to load something to fullscreen that wasn’t fetish material but failing in every attempt. No matter how much I tried to hide what I’d been looking at, the truth came out and I was too panicked to think of a rational solution, my frenzy only serving to emphasise that I had something to be embarassed about. The technician just went about his way an didn’t say anything, even though he clearly noticed what was going on. I could tell that we had mutually agreed without saying anything that the least awkward response for us to just never bring it up again… what happened just now, stays in ‘just now’!

Thank goodness it was just a dream. Of course, the most unrealistic part of it is that I don’t look at that material anymore!