Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Yes, this is a thought strategy I often employ too, and often with success! It doesn't take long to remember what a futile act it is.

Yes, this too! Although on the one hand I feel more guilty about slip-ups, by the same token the successes stand out more also and have the added bonus of encouraging me with respect to the changes God is bringing about in me.

With respect to COVID, I am feeling a lot better, though still tiring out quite easily.

 

A History of Hunting and Seeking

I’ve been meaning to write this one up for a while, and recently haven’t written any posts reflecting on the past. But following my recent observations related to (not!) discovering the perfect scene, I feel it is timely to explore the following through the lens of those observations.

At some point around the age of 10, give or take, I decided to see what happened if I typed “tied up women” into a search engine. Now I think about it, we may not have had the internet for long at this point. I don’t remember if I even knew that the internet was a source for pornography, or even if I understood what pornography was at this point. I just wanted to see if this internet thing could feed my curiosity surrounding damsels in distress. The results didn’t return much at the time, I only remember one image of 2 women, both tied but gagged in a way I didn’t find appealing back then (but later would). I was expecting scenes from my TV shows or something, but this image was clearly from a site devoted to people like me, featuring women who willingly allowed themselves to be tied up in order to entertain those people. I recall only feeling slightly aroused or just curious, but overall the way the women were gagged and the very fact this kind of site existed made me feel uncomfortable. In any case, having not found the type of bondage scenes I was used to seeing on TV, I stopped searching and didn’t return to this for some time.

Fast forward a few years. The internet would have evolved more, my family probably had better internet connection, and I was at the age where I could stay at home on my own. The local churches had set up a 24/7 prayer room for the youth and had volunteers picking them up to take them to the slots in the later hours.

I was waiting to be picked up for my slot, doing various things on my computer at the time. Somehow I got to thinking about my fetish and decided to see if I could have any luck finding content online again. Remembering my lack of success before, I tried some more creative search terms in order to try and find scenes from TV shows, either animated or live-action. Lo and behold, this time I actually found some times. Not only this, but these sites had links to those of a similar nature. The internet had evolved to the extent that all these fetish sites cataloguing damsel-in-distress scenes from film and television knew about each-other and were networking with each other.

I had struck gold – on one site or another many scenes I remembered from childhood, and many others I had never seen before, were all there. I completely lost myself in it all, M-ing as I went. What made matters worse is that the guy who was supposed to pick me up for the 24/7 prayer room didn’t show up. But I was so lost in my new discovery I didn’t care. He actually showed up an hour later, after my assigned slot, and I stopped what I was doing and answered the door. He apologised for the delay and asked if I’d be interested in taking the next slot, but I refused. I can’t remember what excuse I gave, but I was having too much fun and wanted to continue.

Turning aside an hour with God in prayer for PMO is something I feel very ashamed of. Yes, Jesus has dealt with my shame on the cross, praise God! But I still look back on this decision of mine in disgust, and it serves as a very sobering reminder of the unholy lives we could fall into if we continue to give our sexual desires enough opportunity.

Anyway, I would return to these sites many times, exploring all the ‘wonders’ they offered. But I couldn’t find all the childhood scenes I remembered, though I would look long and hard for them. Obsessive seeking behaviour was clearly starting here. And sometimes when I eventually found them, they weren’t quite as good as I remember them. There’d be initial excitement at rediscovering them, but disappointment as I realised it wasn’t quite as good or recalled, or that it didn’t live up to the newer standards I had for my fetish as it had grown. Disappointment would lead me to want to seek something else that would satisfy my hunger.

I even came to learn a lot about TV shows and films I had never seen, the characters that features in them and the actresses who portrayed them, purely from their bondage scenes. With some creative searching I could think of an actress or character I found attractive and try to see if she had any scenes I wasn’t aware of before. I hit the ‘jackpot’ on many occasions. However as I mentioned a few posts back, often there’d be an initial thrill upon discovering a particular actress has been both bound and gagged, but some disappointment in discovering she wasn’t tied in quite the way I liked, or that lighting was poor or that the scene was too short, etc. This would lead me to obsessively seek ‘better’ scenes with the same actress, refusing to accept that my fantasies surrounding this actress were not really fulfilled. Sometimes the issue was that the quality of the screen capture was really poor and I’d be obsessively seeking a better quality version.

Some sites charged to show you the full scenes. Back then many even catalogued the scenes on VHS and you had to order them! Either way paying for them wasn’t an option for me, so this too would be very frustrating. All I’d have to MO to was a thumbnail or a watermarked image, but the full scene was out of reach. Cue another obsessive search on other sites in order to see if anybody was giving this away for free.

Over the years I began to discover sites with specialist fetish models taking photos or recording videos purely for the entertainment of people like me. I’d discover models I liked and again seek more and more scenes with them. Each scene never quite right, I’d always be seeking something better, or the better ones were there but only as a thumbnail that again I’d need to pay to get full access to. These fetish models expanded my options but ultimately created more cause for frustration. I couldn’t accept it though… I had to fool myself into believing my dreams were being fulfilled in order to maintain my enjoyment.

Sites like YouTube, MySpace and Deviantart came into existence and the internet got faster. People were sharing many of the above for free on these sites as either paid content had been leaked or they were fetishists who just got a thrill from sharing the content they made. However, again, nothing I ever found was ever quite right.

Another problem this created was that sometimes the fetish content that got leaked onto these sites would eventually be taken down for one reason or another. A common cycle was to discover that finally an appealing scene that I had only seen in thumbnail before had been leaked on YouTube (for example), and I would go mad getting off on it, but it would later be taken down for one reason or another. Suddenly my perfect video wasn’t there any more, giving me cause to obsessively see if I could find it anywhere else, but with no success. The scene may finally re-emerge years later, but then it somehow wouldn’t be as good as I remembered it, despite all the fun I had with it before. This was really just a repeat of the phenomenon I encountered back when I rediscovered childhood cartoon scenes earlier in my days exploring this content online.

Looking back at all this, all the internet ever had for me was disappointment. I could enjoy it, but in order to do so I had to lie to myself. All this hunting-and-seeking behaviour has done nothing but rob me of time – not least time with God. I was slightly concerned that as I wrote this post I would get off slightly on bringing some of these memories back – a risk whenever I consider the history of my problem. However, I am mostly filled with disgust and frustration. The idea of going back to the search engines and looking for new and old content is not only disgusting, it all just seems futile and pointless. Right now, as I type, even if a little part of me is aroused, I just can’t be bothered with the whole hunting and seeking process… It just seems like a pointless chore!

 

I think the challenge is that the porn industry (and amateur content creators) is further ahead of technological trends than parents are. In my parents' generation porn would have been limited to magazines and VHS tapes kept behind a curtain in the rental store. How could they have known that the internet would be full of it too, let alone at such speeds that it can even be viewed live? What media will generation Z or even later be lured in by that our generation couldn't possibly imagine being used for porn?

 

Triggers can come from the most unexpected of places!

I had an email just now regarding somebody I want to get in touch with about a bit of life admin. The email said, quote: "she's tied up at work at the moment".

Of course, I know in this case and many others "tied up" means busy. But for me those 2 words alone are a trigger... even if the context doesn't arouse me they can make me blush (like that awkward first sex talk from one's parents). While a man speaking about himself being tied up at work wouldn't trigger any fantasies, it would still be embarrassing for me and make me feel a bit awkward. I know it shouldn't, but it does.

But anyway, in this case, the context of a female, that entire phrase tried to get me fantasising about a woman literally tied up in her office. Thankfully I don't know what this person looks like otherwise this intrusive thought would have been much more graphic.

I'm over it now... it helps to direct the energy into a blog post rather than a PMO session!

Keep vigilant to unexpected triggers, people

 

It's been a while since I've posted, so thought I'd check in.

Moving... or not!

I've mentioned before I've been trying to move to a new flat (apartment) for the past year or so.Without going into detail, it all fell through and I'm staying where I am for the time being... perhaps trying again in the next 6 months or so because I need to take a break from it all. It's actually a relief in a way, and I can see how the Lord may bless me through it and what He might be showing me.

The thing is, despite all the money I've thrown at the problem, despite all the attempts at communicating and negotiating with estate agents and solicitors, and despite all the strategies and contingencies I've thought up to try and make it all work out, it all came down to something I couldn't possibly have anticipated. The person I was supposed to buy from had a change in life circumstance made it impractical for them to buy. None of my money or tactics could have changed a single thing. God is in control.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand" - Proverbs 19:21

The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.... but never those of God!

Trigger words again

My last post considered the power of trigger words, and it occurred to me that another influence they've had on me is to discourage me from seeking help or being honest about my struggles with people in my life.

I have opened up to people about my fetish offline before, but it's pretty much impossible to explain without the trigger words, which in this case would trigger anxiety and embarrassment. I feel like admitting to a porn addiction is easy, but when it gets to saying to somebody I like to see women "tied up", saying those two words triggers an immense spike in anxiety and it takes an immense amount of willpower to say them. Again, although it turns me on to hear or see them in the context of a fantasy scenario, because of their sexual association as far as I'm concerned not only is it like having "the talk" with one's parents, but it's like being the one to approach them and start that awkward conversation!

I know that if and when I get married I will need to have this converstion (about my fetish... not the birds and the bees!) long before, and I've accepted that is the case. But I realise that I must deny the trigger words their power when that time comes. Christ has defeated all things that claim their power over me, so to crumple in fear is to allow those things a chance to reclaim their power. This mustn't happen and I intend to reflect and pray on this more.

Thanks the two of you who have shared your own thoughts on the influences of your triggers in the past. I pray that you, and all brothers and sisters in Christ, will not succumb to your own particular triggers, and be strengthened in the knowledge that Christ has defeated them all!

 

I absolutely agree. I've also always held that my fetish and my PMO addiction can be regarded as separate problems. If I wasn't into bondage, I'd be into and idolising something else, be that 'normal' porn or some other kink.

I believe the word 'fetish' originally had non-sexual context and referred to an object of worship, so an idol, just as you say. In enabling our addictions we are all idolising something and we are responsible for putting ourselves in that state of false dependency. Every time we let our idols win, they cause us damage that leave us with scars that last for years.

My triggers are there because over many years I turned away from God and pursued a purely selfish obsession. Whatever we're into, we've all committed that same sin with one thing or another. My obsession wasn't necessarily sexual to begin with, I was, for one reason or another, fascinated with the phenomenon of being restrained, and so determined to 'understand' it that it consumed me. For some reason it became sexual, but the sexual element aside, it was still an obsession.

 

I'm on holiday at the moment and thought I'd probably take a break from NoFap until I got back, but I had some pretty significant observations today.

This relates to what we've discussed a few posts back about double-takes and that question of what are we even trying to achieve when we take a second look? It also relates to another observation I've brought up on multiple occasions, that when the devil offers me the world as he did to Christ, he's not necessarily offering world domination, but the landscape of possibilities that my fetish offers if only I would give in.

So although schools have restarted in most if not all places, there's still a lot of people without children on holiday (like me), out and about in tourist locations and dressed for the heat - including the young and attractive. Temptations lie everywhere and although I am definitely getting better at averting my eyes I'm still not perfect by any measure.

A particularly alluring temptation caught my eye earlier, and as it did, I realised the answer to that question of "what are we really hoping to get out of this?". I realised that it wasn't really the woman herself I was tempted by, but that endgame the devil dangles before my eyes time and time again. I knew I couldn't entertain any fantasy directly with the woman I saw, but in that moment I sensed the enemy tempting me into the state of mind where I just didn't care about right or wrong or about God or eternity with Him or anything. Maybe I'd still never be able to tie this woman up or have sex with her or entertain any other fantasy directly, but I could still go away and fantasise about her, or other woman, in or out of self bondage, or I could search the internet freely or draw whoever I like in whatever scenario I like, or seek out women who share my fetish or would let me entertain it on them for a fee. The temptation was not this woman but to completely let go and explore every possible worldly avenue without restraint, even if it meant abandoning the faith.

Of course I didn't give in... it would be the most unwise thing I could possibly do. If anything, it made me more determined than ever to remain on the Godly path because the enemy's game was more clear than ever.

There are two ways to live: with Christ in eternity or temporarily for the world only to perish completely. In those moments of temptation we are given that choice. We try to create a third option where we have a bit of both, which is what I believe happens when we take that second glance, subconsciously trying to allow ourselves this little slip-up as a cheeky taste of the world the devil is offering before we repent again and step back onto the Godly path. But one day that slip could be a fall, because that's what the devil really wants us to do.

But my observations don't end there!

It also occurred to me on the way home that despite being so physically attracted to this complete stranger in that moment, hours later I could barely remember what she looked like. How many of our double takes do we even remember? What difference would it make if we never made that second look? We'd still be in the same place, probably with no memory of what she looked like. It emphasised to me the futility of these second glances. The only possible "reward" is not a reward at all, but the false hope of a world of sin.