Feeling heartbroken today

Tell me something...would you not have cheated had he not cheated?

 

OK, this is the last thing I’m gonna say about it, and then I’m just done with this whole conversation about cheating. Cheating is always a terrible thing. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what your reason is. I don’t care what you are cheating on, whether it is your partner, a game of cards, or a damned test. Cheating is always wrong.

We can come up with any number of reasons to cheat. There is no shortage of excuses. Cheating is dumb because at the end of the day, you’re not hurting anyone but yourself. Sure, your Partner isn’t going to like it. Wow, you sure showed them didn’t you? Now not only can you not trust them. They can’t trust you either. Great idea!

I didn’t even say you should just leave. I know it’s difficult. You choosing not to be the only one to suffer, you sure showed him didn’t you? You want them to feel as badly as you do? I sure wish you would think very seriously about what you’ve resigned yourself to do. Anybody can go have an extramarital affair. You’ve only compromised your own integrity by stooping down to their level. It accomplishes nothing but adds more fuel to an uncontrollable burn soon to erupt into a full blown forest fire. But hey, get out the marshmallows!

I don’t think that it is selfish to expect one to be faithful when their porn addict partner isn’t. I think it is selfish to go out and have an affair knowing that in doing so, you’re not helping the problem, but contributing to it. Again, I don’t think any less of you for doing it. I do think that this way of thinking is as dysfunctional as the one who caused your betrayal trauma in the first place.

You’re right. They’re not hurting from their addiction. You’re right. It’s cheating. You’re also right that it is both dumb to cheat as it is to continue to hurt someone that actually loves them. No argument there. I don’t think the OP should cheat regardless if she’s willing to lose her family or home in the process. Besides, do you know anyone who would be willing to lose everything? I don’t.

So you have no regrets. Good. I didn’t really anticipate it would take away all of the pain, and if that helped you, good for you. You’re right. You got lucky. There is a way to have a happily ever after. We have it. I know of others here who have it or are well on their way to getting it. Most unfortunately do not. Yes, our society is one of our biggest obstacles, and no, settling is not OK.

Do you think your boyfriend treats you better because he loves you more now? Or do you think he treats you better because he knows you’re not bluffing about going out and fucking somebody else? A foundation of “fear” is not a good recipe for a lasting healthy relationship. He treats you better because he’s scared shitless. That will last for a little while.

I’m sure some men are so arrogant as to believe that we are disposable beings, and that we will stay no matter what, that we are weak, and all that shit, etc. But cheating wasn’t a reflection of your love for him any more than your belief that he respects you more. Are you kidding me? He doesn’t trust you any more than you trust him, and without that, all relationships are doomed to failure.

Only a fool of a man would expect us to put up with anything. They will respect us for standing our ground. They won’t for cheating any more than we would them. You can come up with whatever anecdotes about “two wrongs don’t make a right” all you want. The message remains the same. What you did was wrong, period, end of story. You may not like it. You may not like being called out on it. But if there is one thing I learned a whole lot about during this process, it’s responsibility, accountability, and ownership. You own this.

About forgiveness. You don’t forgive him because he deserves it. You forgive him because you deserve it. It’s important to acknowledge and embrace that. It doesn’t excuse their behavior any more than it voids their responsibility for it. The idea that it gives them some sort of free pass and easier for them to engage in pornography is preposterous. I have no idea how you made that connection. Their credibility in an apology or amends is forfeited when their repentance is lacking. In other words, it’s pretty worthless.

If you’re just gonna be sad and cry about it, then perhaps you need to pursue boundaries, and implement dire consequences. They work, only most people just don’t know how to implement them properly. Of course the women in those videos are better looking. All of us would if we had the right makeup, the right lighting, the right editing, all to accentuate our best features, and hide our worst ones. After all, isn’t that what we’re doing when we put on makeup? As far as better in bed? LOL, they’re so worn out, rode hard and put up wet, I doubt they’d feel a thing, and probably can’t wait for their man to ejaculate and get it over with. Sex is not an enjoyment for them. It’s a job. It’s a chore.

Your boyfriend had the audacity to say “you’ll never get me back”? What an arrogant ass. You had to go test yourself to see if you were still good in bed because he systematically betrayed and convinced you that you weren’t good enough? What a particularly nasty form of abuse. That sucks. You should have responded with something on the order of “You’re right. I don’t need a man in my life who betrays me and causes me so much trauma”. Whatever. To each their own.

I do hope you find what it is you’re looking for, but I don’t think you’re going to find it, nor be happy with yourself, cheating. That’s solely on you just as his cheating was on him.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

No I would not have. I always thought cheaters should just leave. I hated cheaters. But that was before I really knew anything about porn addiction. And now I just feel like most men and some women cheat on their partners everyday and it's considered acceptable by many. I watched some when I was younger but I didn't really know people watched it when they are with someone who is willing.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your reply. I don't mind being called out on it. I am happy with what I did. My way worked for me and yours works for you. Just wanted to add. I don't wear make-up (hopefully my higher power continues to bless me) and I don't think porn stars look better than me just saying that men sometimes think that.

 

Several fallacies here and I do believe they are lies we as SO’s tell ourselves. We are not the ones hurt the most. It feels like we are. Why do I believe this? 35 years I’ve been with my husband. The pain of his betrayal has at times felt unbearable. Before we began our recovery I would have thought “ I” was the one who hurt the most. But…. I’ve been the one who has had a really blessed life. I have seen his anguish, but never understood it. I have seen his sheer misery. I have seen this man accomplish things in life most people can only dream about. And still he was never content, never at peace, never happy or joyful, never soaking in the amazing things that happened in his life. Until 3 years ago. The transformation. The complete change of this man and his life and just everything. Trust me. He was not indulging in having his cake and eating it too. He was scarfing down poison and had no idea. Another lie-porn addicts believe we should be faithful. Some do yes, but many feel we should cheat or leave because they feel so much shame over their actions. Another lie “ they’re going to keep doing it because you keep forgiving”. No they are going to keep doing it because they are addicts and must learn a different way to cope. This is nearly impossible and definitely not possible without help and a lot of work and support. Another lie-playing the victim, no one is playing. We are all victims, including the addict. However, we all get to choose what we want from life and we have to live with the consequences of that choice. Once you have a family even more people are affected by your choices. @BrokenHeart 2 , I too never thought I would cheat, and so far I never have. But when I was 40, 17 years into a marriage to a man who repeatedly rejected me in every way possible, I too, wanted to feel “ desirable, wanted, loved and wondered if I was just that bad at sex that he never wanted it”. Had a 30 yr old man, exactly my “ type” Pursue me at work. Day after day, week after week. He was beautiful and I was starving for that” kind” of attention. I distinctly remember mentally talking to myself about how no one would know, except I knew I would know, and I had too much to lose. I switched shifts that day so that I never worked a full day with him again. My point is anyone can cheat if they feel crappy enough about themselves and feel they have nothing to lose. Because that’s what cheating boils down to, in the exact same way that men turn to porn, because they feel so crappy about themselves, it’s the tried and true one way they know to feel great for a moment. If my husband were an alcoholic, I would not start getting drunk to revenge or make him respect me. Porn has a way of making so’s feel less than in a way other addictions can’t. It’s our choice to heal and find a way to empower ourselves knowing his addiction has nothing to do with me. You are not alone in what you feel. Just remember, you have to live with yourself and your choices. There are men out there who are not porn/sex addicts. You do not need to settle, no one should.

 

Aside from reinforcing what you just said here, you hit on something that struck a nerve with me.

Just as his looking a porn, jerking off, sniffing dirty panties, voyeurism, etc. is something that helps him to become aroused and get off, you too are having an extramarital affair to get off. Both of these are unhealthy choices of the same kind, and cause the same kinds of dopamine response, not as an exhilarating sexual experience, but solely as a coping mechanism to numb ourselves from the pain and anxiety that we feel. You're training your brain to use that path to help you cope. It's a short lived experience until the embarrassment guilt and shame sets in. You can tell yourself that you are OK with it, but I sincerely don't believe that deep down inside of you that you really are. Again, none of us can judge you for your decision to cheat. However, we can tell you that doing so causes much more harm to you than good. And that's the real crux of the argument. I hope you haven't taken offense to our responses, but taken it as the constructive criticism it is meant to be. Now this is my last response on the matter.

 

Know it hurts and you're all bent out of shape, but please considered a trigger warning for user's on here who happen to read this. It's very triggering and you are explaining half of you're sexual relationship we don't need to pry on or be tempted to M from this post.


Firstly you two need to either have a long talk or consider taking a brake. The fact you went to a cheater's website is worse then his addiction..... Would certainly hurt him in the long run if he ever found out. Probably doesn't mean you will delete but you've already done it and the messages are already there. If my girlfriend did this I'd be single again in a heartbeat.. Most of all Help him out! Not just with sex but breaking his addiction!

 

You have got to be kidding? He is the cheater, he rejects her to jack off repeatedly to others, but her downloading an app is worse?????? Are you kidding me? Help him out? He is responsible for his actions, lying, gas lighting, cheating her out of a healthy sexual relationship, voiding it of intimacy. My gosh , her going to a cheating site might hurt him? Because him going to porn sites repeatedly isn’t nearly as bad? Wow, just wow.

 

Sorry @psalm27:my light...I was typing my response simultaneously to yours. You have much more diplomacy than I do. I don't have the patience for this kind of bullshit!

 

I think he's lucky that's all she's done. And omg, I'm sure your girlfriend would be at such a loss if her porn addicted cheating boyfriend left her. You'll be lucky if she doesn't get tired of your addiction. "If my girlfriend did this I'd be single again in a heartbeat" if I was your girlfriend I'd cheat on you too! Double standards.

 

I also hope the author does not feel judgement toward her from some of these people. Just like this is suppose to be a safe place for porn addicts to talk about these things. It should also be a safe place for the partners who are hurt because we were unfortunate enough to love a porn addict. If you're a porn addict please don't try and shame her for being hurt enough to go to a cheaters site. If you're hurting someone you don't get to decide how they heal. You shouldn't act as though your infidelity is worse than anyone else's. Some of us actually like being with a human physically and not watching others on a screen. And I'm sure she was just venting anyway. Most women don't have the balls to actually cheat. Or they don't feel it's right. And please don't act so triggered by the things she said. If you cared that much, you would probably not ever relapse.

 

Okay? So she's going to go on a cheater website anyway to get answers from all of this? Tell me that's not right. You're basically telling me that you would do the same thing. You do not need to post you're dirty laundry on this site especially.

Okay? So this isn't going to change anything? You're basically shitting me that this is a waste of time for these people who need to talk over things rather then acting out and going to cheater websites for a result of action? If I was in this mess I wouldn't be going to a cheater website or mobile APP, I'd be talking about it with my girlfriend instead and ohh being "rational" in a mature way

Alright you're responses are very irrational... Do you want to re read the post again and see what she has said deliberately.
?

 

No, for the comprehension impaired, basically, I'm telling you this...which you actually quoted in your reply.

Not only did you read between the lines that which wasn't there with what she said. You did it to me too. And it's gaslighting. Don't blame me for your inability to comprehend. BTW, I never said it was right, nor did I imply I would do the same thing. I wouldn't. As for the dirty laundry comment? Want to take a wild guess where you can store it?

This too you quoted in your reply.

Again, a comprehension problem, and reading between the lines again. I didn't say, nor used the phrase "waste of time". You did. Do I need to explain this to you too? Let me make it more clear for you. The time for talking is over. We're past talking. We're done talking. Now it's time for action, and that action is boundaries and consequences. You do know what boundaries and consequences are don't you? Keep twisting shit around and utilizing it as a point of deflection. It's gaslighting, and I don't put up with it. And if I have anything to say about it, neither will any other woman in here who has been betrayed by their Partner. If you treat your girlfriend this way, eventually she will tire of it too. Make this note to self: If she was at this crossroad in your relationship with her, I assure you, your girlfriend wouldn't be remotely interested in talking either. She would be interested in your actions and behaviors.

LOL! OK! You run with that. Let me know how that works out for you.

No, I don't need to reread it. Perhaps you should consider doing that yourself. You just don't like the fact that someone experienced with betrayal trauma called you out on your bullshit. That's OK. I understand that's addiction at work. Hopefully, eventually, you'll get it. In the meantime, I'll just treat you as hostile like an immature arrested development addict when you don't get your way. I hold no ill will toward you. If you want help, there are several of us who are willing to help you navigate your way out of it. Of course if you want to allow your arrogance manifested by your addiction to stand in the way, we'll just sit back and watch you circle the drain. Your move!

PS...I'm not going to debate you. I'm not going to go back and forth with you. I'm going to ignore you.

 

I am legitimately trying to rationalize what is being said on this post. If you think someone telling a sex story isn't anything to be cautious of posting on "Nofap" then I guess I'm arrogant as fuck, actually call me Mr. arrogant you can put the dumb dumb hat on me. lol If you think it's completely fine to tell someone "I gave him oral and finished him off" then a trigger is no such thing. lmao

 

No problem. I've been there! Hang in there and know this will get better for you, even if it does not for him!