Hi all, What did I do wrong? How did I let myself relapse again? Being 42, single, gay, not having long lasting partners for too many years, porn addiction and especially sex-calls, and pornography and fantasies which are so dirty and illegal - where am I going at? Took a therapist and a 12steps therapist for several months this year - and nothing. still in the same place. every time I start recovery again, I get excite. Nevertheless, I know that the next time the fall will be greater, longer, more painful. Ill try this time to do just what I am suppose to do - to try and recover. I know what I need to do. Bigger force, I need your help. White Lion 2022
Hang in there. I hope I'm not overstepping, but I believe 12-step recovery groups, and especially therapy (if have a good therapist) take years. Maybe commit to one strategy and stick with it.
Hi there. Well I am not sure what strategy works. Ive been to so many programs and so many therapists. Any how, I know I would have liked to experience life without all this shit. To be honest, Im a bit pesemistic. Its been so many years, so many relapses, so many therapists so much talking. The only thing that holds me is my will to have a better life, hopefully. I know I need habits: Daily writing, Daily practices. I have learned I have a tendency to "disapear". I tend to start many things with lots of energy and then leave, dosconnect, disapear. Today is a good day, I hope I can end it good as well. Ill try to commit to write hear daily message. White Lion
One more day today trying not to touch my cock with my head trying to leaving it alone I feel like a stupid immature 15 year old I hate myself that I cannot control myself I hate myself for not even trying to be still with myself I hate my self so much and I know it will not help I know I have to accept myself But after 42 years of total sickness in my head after too many promises I never kept? How do I begin to repent myself? Oh Lord, please let me live just a few days without trying to look at illegal pics and stop thinking of how to sink my body into trash
Remember that hating yourself makes it easier to go back to bad habits. From what I know PMO problem is very often a symptom of bad mental health, trauma (especially childhood trauma) or bad emotions (not liking your life, yourself etc.)
I don't know exactly what you mean by illegal pics, but you need to delete all of them immediately. You feel so bad about yourself because you feel guilt and shame. do yourself a favor and delete that trash
If what you have done in the past did not work, you need to do something different. I can relate to starting strong and having enthusiasm at first but getting discouraged and giving up eventually. I’ve been through that cycle several times. I have recently started medication for my ADHD and I think that has helped some. I think the real hurdle was that I was still avoiding facing the deeper problems. I have used pornography as a distraction from overwhelming feelings. Will power can only get you so far, eventually these feelings start to come to the surface and your subconscious will try to go to whatever coping mechanisms you have used in the past. How was your childhood? Do you have healthy ways to cope with stress and process feelings? Do you have meaningful connections with people you trust? Rather than just focus on the addiction you must also discover the underlying causes that led you there in the first place. Many therapists are shit and no amount of time talking to them will help. To deal with sex addiction you need to see one who is CSAT certified. Even a competent therapist with the proper training can’t do the work for you. In the end YOU have to actually do the work. I tend to feel overwhelmed and feel helpless and that mindset will not get you anywhere. Try writing out your feelings for a while then connect them to actions or events. Why do you feel this? What can you do to feel less of it? Helped me loads. Anyway I don’t have any context so I don’t know if your situation is that much like mine. Hope this helps. Good luck!
Of course, Hating myself doesn't help and we all know its the red light we should all watch out for. But sometimes hate is better than being aloof to my own situation. The fact I can do damage to myself over and ovre again, without feeling anything is much more problematic for me. I wish I could be so mad on myself, in order to make action. But you are right - you are right.
Well, I do have ADHD too and the drugs can be helpful but also damaging for my addiction. I had many therapists, two handfuls them. The last one I went too was really good and came from the addiction realm of therapy. He was indeed clever to illuminate a certain behavior I have which is "disconnecting" - which is a very ADHD trait: being into something for a while and then just disappearing and not being committed any more. about anything in addition, I don't know.....im just truly frustrated I am not able to manage my addiction. Its just this one thing in my life that is so painful. So sad. And I have tried so much, so many times, im exhausted that it continues to be my problem. Im just hurt and devastated not having a partner. Im sad. Also, I need to admit abut my drug use: For nearly 12 months I have stopped doing drugs such as weed, MDMA, LSD etc. I gave myself 8 months of being clean and I could even continue 3 months more. Last weekend I went to a rave and did so much drugs (all the above plus two additional drugs)and then more and weed - so that's pretty much me: from nothing and being fully committed to absolutely abstained - to going completely over the top. I am going to throw what's left from this weekend. Ill update more today. Should I go back to therapy? I don't know
Yes yes you are right I have deleted everything as allways I have deleted (and reinstalled) my Messages apps 368 times I have deleted (and reinstalled) bad pics and videos apps 836 times I have deleted (and reinstalled) so much, so many, too much...im tied
Ok so its been 8 days...nice. Feeling empty, feeling the urge. Being addicted at 42 is different from being in my 20's. I remember talking about these issues and writing about it in my journal even then. However, for many years I carried with me the belief that "I will eventually stop"...but...time went by, another year of wanking, porn, daily chats to find other pervs like myself....and I was sure I could stop it whenever I wanted. But I couldn't. I wasn't able to do so. Now im 42, I feel the urgency, I feel that time is flying. I am not as pretty as before and finiding a should mate a partner isn't as obvious as before. OMG what dis I do? Stupid me. Now I am 42, fatter than ever, more addictive than ever. I just feel empty and lonely sometimes I really want it to work this time
So im 42 years old, gay and single. The last two days I had this 20 year old in my place. For me, the fact I am not in chat rooms, porn etc is great. But what the hell am I doing with someone 2o years younger than me? Sure this is my attraction physically, but emotionally Im in a very different place. He is cute, he kisses and "wants to get married" but he drives me crazy just because he is still so not independent. But I? I am 42 years old and single side I never wanted to settle down. Or to be more accurate my addiction was always what prevented me from having a normal love life I think. So here comes this young guy who so quickly falls in love and as much that he is so young....he is also so right about wanting to commit so soon...what is the point of me not doing anything about it for so long? I dont know.. Im just trying to write here every day, I really want it to work Truth is I dont care if what I say does make sense or not I just need to keep on writing here. WL
I have done this a million times. Keep doing it. make it harder and harder to repeat. Stay int he fight.
hey whitelion, without porn and time on the sex-related stuff, what do you do to replace the empty time? Maybe the therapist can help with your emotional issues somewhat but your lifestyle (if you have one) don't sound very healthy. You say you're fat, constantly talking to therapist and relapse to porn and drugs. Do you think you'd feel different if you had a six pack and good looking biceps? Do you watch your diet, your posture (how you sit and stand)? Would you commit to joining a dance/martial arts class to expose yourself to different group energy (good group energy)? You've been to so many therapist, how many boxing gyms you've been to? even been in a ring with someone wanting to knock your face in? I think boxing would help you focus cause you get hit in the face if you don't. Maybe you need to get out of your comfort zone, man.
