Four Steps to Freedom: Step Three (The Timer)

In the movie The Village, there is a short scene where a young man is standing on a tree stump. It's night time, his arms are spread out, and his back is turned towards the edge of the woods.

And he looks terrified.

A stone's throw away are a few of his friends. They are giving him words of motivation, encouraging him to be brave and stay on the tree stump for a little bit longer.

The young man is terrified because he and his generation were taught that there are dangerous creatures that live in the woods. So naturally, the boys in the village have created a game to see who can stand the longest with their back towards the woods, putting themselves at risk for a potential attack by one of the creatures.

What's so difficult about this game? It's not technically hard to just stand on a tree stump with your arms out. That's easy.

The game is difficult because the young man has to stand there while everything in his body is screaming at him to jump down and run away. He has to stay put in the midst of an intense, overwhelming emotion.

And how does he know if he's "won" or not?

By how long he is able to stand there.

He has a goal. He has a target. And when you have a target you are aiming for, it helps you hit it.

The third step of the P.A.T.H. strategy, the "T," gives you the defined goal.

Imagine the next instance when you feel that urge to watch porn.

You've already initiated the first two steps of the P.A.T.H. You've paused and taken a breath (the "P" step). You've acknowledged the urge (the "A" step), calling it by its name, not with judgment, but simply noticing and naming.

These first two steps help decrease the intensity of the craving and help you think more clearly. It puts you back in the driver's seat.

But now what? That intense surge of desire is still there, pulling and screaming at you to watch porn.

This is where you launch into the third step: the timer.

In the third step of the P.A.T.H., you are setting a timer for ten minutes (I usually use a timer on my phone or an online timer).

Why set a timer?

Because we need a defined goal.

We need to have a target to aim for. We need to know when we've "won," when we've completed a step towards our destination.

When I first started exploring this strategy, sometimes I would feel the desire to watch porn but not set a timer. I would pause and I would acknowledge the urge. But the intense craving didn't go away. And I felt aimless after that. I didn't have a target.

Imagine hiring a strength training coach. You're in the gym together and he says to you, "Bench press. Go!" You'd probably be thinking to yourself, "Um, how much weight? How many reps am I doing?"

Or imagine you hire a running coach to help you prepare for a marathon. You meet in the morning to begin training, you warm up and stretch, and he says to you, "Okay, now run!" Questions and confusion would likely fill your mind. "How far am I running? What pace should I set?"

Setting a timer for ten minutes gives you that defined target. You know exactly when you have accomplished the goal, when you've completed a "rep."

Okay, so we know why we are setting a timer. So what do you DO during those ten minutes?

When you set the timer for ten minutes, you can take a walk, you can do something life-giving like working on a project, or simply go about your day as you would have if you had not felt the urge (this is actually what I always do, and it has worked well for me).
While you're continuing about your day, you're allowing the urge to be there. You're not trying to push the urge away.

You are simply giving it permission to be there.

Remember, when it comes to feelings, what you resist, persists. But what you allow, alleviates.

Instead of trying to make the craving go away, you're accepting it.

This is how you process feelings in a healthy, effective way. This is ultimately how you help feelings leave, rather than burying them inside, only to have them resurface later.

This third step of the P.A.T.H. is the hardest step. This is where the skill is learned. This is where the muscle is built.

As you're going about your day, and that timer is counting down, the urge may rise or fall in intensity.

I want to give you a few specific things that I do to help allow that urge during the ten minutes.

The first thing I do is take a deep breath when the urge increases in intensity. This helps keep me grounded.

Next, I'll remind myself what I'm actually doing during these ten minutes. I'll think about one of two different analogies.

The first analogy that I'll remind myself of is that I am building a muscle. I am learning a skill. Just like building any muscle or learning any new skill, the only way to do it is to go through the pain or difficulty of exercising it. That's what you are doing during those ten minutes.

Think about when you are doing a really intense workout or exercise. It's hard. You know it's hard. You know that a really good workout HAS to be hard.

Rather than resisting that good form of pain, you're embracing it. Because you know that growth and progress doesn't come unless the pain comes too. They go hand in hand.

That's the first thing I'll remind myself after taking a deep breath.

The second analogy I'll think about is how the urge is not an enemy I'm trying to fight.

Instead, I'll remember that the urge is like a passionate friend inside me that is giving me really bad advice.

The friend cares for me and sincerely wants the best for me, but he is incredibly misguided. And he is very passionate and intense. I'll imagine that the ten minutes is the time that I am being a good friend and listening to his intense, but misguided advice. It's not pleasant to sit and listen to, but arguing or fighting against him is only going to add fuel to the fire. So I patiently listen as he rants. (I'll share more about this idea in a later post as well)

A question that may come up is, "What do I do when the timer goes off, and I complete all four steps of the plan, but the craving for porn is still there?"

So, you've completed a full "rep." And, you're still feeling the strong desire to watch porn.

You initiate the four steps again, and complete a second "rep."

When I first implemented this strategy two and a half years ago, I would sometimes have to complete two or three reps in a row. This was actually excellent, because it was like getting a lot of practice for a new skill. I was getting better at the steps. I was honing in on the skill, figuring out how to make it work for me.

Gradually, I would only have to complete one "rep" before the craving left.

This is one of the amazing things about this strategy. As you practice it, you'll notice that the urges will decrease in frequency and intensity. The cravings will be fewer and farther between, and they will be less potent than in the past.

So, if you complete all four steps and you still feel the urge, just like with the first "rep," you initiate the steps again. And you do this until the urge isn't there anymore.

And each time you complete a "rep," it's a massive win! And it's hugely important that you celebrate that win. This is the fourth and final step of the P.A.T.H. It's also the most exciting.

This is what we'll dive into in the next post.

Let's go!
Dan

 

Great question!

So, the short answer is, for those ten minutes, the "T" step, I have always just gone about my day as I would have if I had not felt the urge. Yes, the urge is still there, but I breathe through it if I need to, I don't get angry or upset that the urge is there, but I simply go about my day.

Another option is to do something engaging and life-giving during the ten minutes. Go for a walk, read a book, practice and instrument.

Allowing your mind to ruminate on those thoughts is definitely going to increase the urge. I don't recommend that. That's why I move on to some other activity, to busy my mind. The FEELING will still be there. This is different than ruminating on the thought. The feeling is what we feel in our body (the butterflies in our stomach, the tightness in our chest, the shallow rapid breathing).

The reason why I say (and the experts also say) to relax and let the feeling be there, is because with feelings, they tend to intensify when we try and resist them and make them leave. For example, have you ever tried to force yourself to feel less anxious? This actually tends to increase the anxiety rather than decrease it. What we resist, persists!

So, I definitely don't let my mind fantasize or ruminate. I stay very intentional with my THOUGHTS. But I give permission for the FEELING to be there, without trying to make it go away, while I continue to go about my day, or engage in some enjoyable, life-giving activity.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions! You got this!

 

Yes, this is great! Excellent way to think about it. Like you said, "So in the same way, I should relate to the urge and listen to it, sort of like putting my eyes on it so it doesn't do things behind my back, but knowing that it's irrational misguided thinking."

I also love your approach about writing down how you feel, what the urge wants, and your rational response. You're right on when you talk about your rational mind vs. irrational mind. When we're in that moment of intense desire, the irrational mind kicks in, and all previous promises, commitments, regrets, go out the window, and all we can think about is whatever the urge wants. I like your approach of honing in on training your brain to get back to the rational part in those moments.

I admire your intentionality and self-awareness. Keep going! True, lasting freedom is possible!