The reflection of someone who stumbled after more than 500 days.

On March 1st, after skirting for over a week, came the painful return to PMO hell. I assumed that this day would be the beginning of a destructive slope, but thanks to Jesus Christ, he has helped me so that, far from being a day of tragedy and disappointment, it would become a catalyst to return with my spirit recharged on this path.
This relapse was so unsatisfying, painful and damaging. It wasn't worth it, but hey, I've learned a few lessons from this situation. After all, in this life many of the most meaningful lessons come from the most painful moments. I share some lessons that I learned as a result of this event, I hope they can be useful to someone.

1. To treat me with compassion. One mistake did not invalidate the entire process. In another time, guilt and remorse would have consumed me and led me to seek more PMO medication, if it was difficult, my mind thought so, and I sought revenge on myself for a moment. But love covers a multitude of faults, far from treating me cruelly, I thanked. I was aware of all my advances and I was grateful for all the good that I have faced in this time, this led me not to sink into guilt. Although it was a serious oversight, my value as a person is not defined by a relapse. I am more than this stumbling block.

2. Stop satisfying the desires of my flesh. The relapse I experienced did not happen overnight. It was due to a series of small permissions that he had been giving me in recent days, they were accumulated fantasies that he kept, they were applications that he was installing on my mobile. They were looks that I didn't take care of on the street, they were scenes from series that I consented to see. The list can go on. The point is that this was not an accident, it was irresponsible. Accept it and walk away, and start being responsible again. Living aware that this impulse has not disappeared, but is still there, the key is not to feed it, or sooner or later it will eat you alive.

3. To face my emotional vulnerability: frustration. I had faced problems with my wife, and the normal stress of having a home with children. I mention this not because they have been to blame for my relapse, but because I could not face these situations with maturity. I acted like an immature child taking refuge in the PMO to not face my problems. And yes, life is not easy, but that is why we are Men, to face challenges and not live in comfort. The way you deal with problems defines whether you are a true man or a coward. This motivates me to work more attentively on my character.

4. To accept that there are wounds that are still open. I figured beating PMO would be enough to never be tempted to seek out a sexual partner again. But, the truth is that the PMO took another facet that I did not know or did not want to accept, despite a long streak those memories of the past, telephone numbers, etc., collected and stored in my mind because something in me still keeps alive. It is time to withdraw once and for all from these impulses and to deal head-on with that which lives under this impulse.

5. To be more humble. After pride comes the fall; after arrogance, failure. A long streak guarantees nothing. Although it brings a host of improvements, it does not mean that the road has ended or that we have reached the end, it is a process that lasts a lifetime and you have to stabilize yourself humble on this path, the worst mistake is to believe that you will never fall again , we must live every day attentive.

6. To experience the grace of God. I learned that Heavenly Father does not love me more for a long streak, he loves me for who I am in His Son Jesus Christ. Experiencing all the benefits of Nofap does not fill the need in my soul for God. After all, quitting PMO is a tool to not only be a better person but to experience a fuller closeness with God. At some point, my long streak became my greatest achievement, it began to deify this process. But, discover my closeness to God. Now I understand that this process is a path, where the goal is not only to extend my day counter or feel good, but to connect more with the spiritual and be a better human being, husband, father, brother, son, etc.
Although it is painful to admit it, I had to fall to see again experience that grace of God that I had stopped appreciating. This does not mean that I must remember again so that grace may abound, but I know that whatever happens, his grace is perfected forever, and that I must trust that his Power will be perfected even in my weakness.

Thanks for reading and I hope this is useful to someone.

 

I think the ingredient that led me to this downfall was pride and a lack of discipline. "Deceitful is the heart", I stopped caring for my heart, little by little I provided food to temptation. It is true that behind this addiction there is a genuine or wounded need that we seek to satisfy. In my case, the trigger was the low level of tolerance for frustration that I usually face. I believed that I had the right to seek to feel better and self-medicate the pain and I irresponsibly returned to that insane behavior. Lesson learned and move on. A battle is lost but not the war.
Cheer up brother!