Today is day 45 , not sure how I feel

Like the title says today is day 45 with no pmo. I need help you guys . I won’t to know if what I’m feeling and experiencing is normal. I’m no longer getting semen leakage after I urinate . I also have no cravings to look at or view porn. I feel completely done with that . However , the reason I don’t want to look at or view porn is because I have no sex drive . I’m 31 and I’ve had pied/ ED since I was 20 years old . In the past I would still fap with my flaccid dick and watch porn. This time it’s different . I still have ed and pied but I don’t desire porn anymore . My emotions feel very dulled and I don’t know if this is flatline or not. I feel very very very sad that I will stay like this forever . I was seeing a girl , we were talking for a couple months . I think I got this clean time because of her . I knew I had to change . She’s not in my life anymore . Last weekend she came over to my apartment . She told me she was converting back to Pentecostalism (long jean skirts and speaking in tongues ) and we couldn’t be together because I’m not Pentecostal . She sat on my couch and cried and basically walked out of my life forever. For the first time , in a long time, I cried too . I really liked her and now she’s gone . She helped me though , I stayed clean for her. She had a lot of trauma and abuse and I wish her the best . I didn’t think it was going to go down like that . I miss her terribly , but hey I was able to feel . The desire to fap is gone and look at porn is gone but now I’m dealing with sadness , despair and more loneliness and self loathing . She deleted me off Facebook and Snapchat . I asked my friend , who is a girl, why she did that . My friend said it’s because she still likes me but it’s too painful to see my face . I guess this is her way of moving on. I’m crying again as I’m typing this . All these years you hate yourself and think you’re a no good pos and this girl comes around and brags to her friends how much of a gentleman you are to her . I feel like she may have helped me. She sent me some pics of her , provocative , but I don’t count that as a relapse. I still feel really really sad and depressed . Does this get better with more abstinence ? Is it normal to feel this way after 45 days of clean time. I hate to say this but the one thing I find joy in is knowing that I’ll die one day . Then this pain from this life will be over . Hopefully I can go to a better place . I was raised Catholic and it was sort of forced on me , I resented it . Now , I just really really hope there is a better place . I feel crazy , almost like I’m losing it . I just want to know if this is normal to feel this way at this stage . My dad worries about me . He sends me pics of me and him when I’m a toddler , idk why he does that . Better days ? Idk . I just want to know if what I’m feeling is normal . Me and this girl , we talked everyday for like 2 months . I’m just having a hard time now . Cause I really really wanna hear her voice but I know it’s over , she left me to work on herself , go back to her religious roots . The world seems like a dark and cold place. I keep replaying it in my head , when she told me about going back to her religion. This really really hurts . I called my best friend couple nights ago . I was crying and I said I don’t think I can do this anymore once my parents are gone . Can someone just help me , with these thoughts . Please .

 

I feel better knowing these feelings are normal . Thanks guys .