Made it to 1 year after 25+ years of trying!

Thanks for your post.

I've been struggling with that question for a while now (as I still have not booked significant progress): Should I confess everything to my wife (and as you mentioned: shatter her heart in this progress) or try to heal myself on my own.
Well, I know your answer.. But that instills so much fear into me..

 

Thanks mate, it is not easy for me. I will need to make a very clear promise to myself, that I will come clear to her if I cant manage to solve this issue on my own the coming months.

 

i have often seen that in this forum a porn addict "destroys" his partner... i have a hard time understanding the extent of that word here. i agree that being addicted ruins the quality of my life but i don't understand the betrayal aspect, or maybe i am in denial. i am single and was never involved in an intimate relationship.

 

Definitely tell her. She might be devastated but I bet she would rather know if she had a chance to decide for herself. I surely would. And I would prefer him telling me on his own, not finding his crap in his computer the way I did. She will find out sooner or later anyway. But if it is her who finds out, her trust in you will suffer much much more. Heaven forbid if you slip even once. She will never trust you anymore. I dont trust my husband and never will.

 

Congrats on your year clean, but also congrats on finally telling your wife and above all, understanding that you have to remain vigilant no matter how many days or years you have been sober and understanding that a relapse would be much worse for your wife. I wish you the best.
(Maybe I wish that more for myself...I am desperately searching for any real success stories to give me hope about my own marriage. They are hard to find, there is always a slip or, more often, coming back all the way to porn.)
Keep going, for yourself, your wife, your family (and maybe a little for us, desperate wives and partners of porn addicts, that there is still hope we are struggling to see anymore). Thank you.

 

Thanks 10-16 for sharing your story. We need to be reminded of success stories and the benefits of living porn free.
I am collecting ammunition for confronting urges and refuting the lies my brain tells me. I am getting a lot from the consider before consuming podcast. Thanks for sharing that. That fact that porn rewires our brains is like the worst sci-fi horror movie. It is a horror movie starring you as chief victim invaded by the alien demon. I am 54 days PMO free today and the best part is no regrets, no hiding, no secrets. This is me. There is an internal expectation that I will fail because I always have, but with continual affirmation, remembering the consequences and strengthening my desire for a porn free life I am breaking out of this prison.

 

I guess if you can imagine having a partner and she starts to somewhat become distant from you, and no matter how hard you try, you can't please her in bed. Then you notice she doesn't come to bed with you anymore and she comes to bed a few hrs after you, or she spends ages in the bathroom. Then one day you see something on her phone or PC or you catch her masturbating. You think of her fantasizing about all those dicks that could be going into her and how she doesn't get off on you anymore. So you try to get healthier and fitter and you're the fittest you've ever been but you still don't do anything for her, or when you are with her she never looks you in the eyes and you know she's fantasizing about someone else to get off.
Do you think that maybe that could be detrimental to your self esteem and confidence?

 

I agree, but I would add that it is not just about sex, it is just one of many areas that suffer from addiction. Imagine you find a partner and really think that this is the one, you commit to the partner, you may get married and have children together, but as time goes by, the partner you knew, changes somehow...is distant, doesnt want to talk with you, spend time with you, do activities with you, gets easily irritated, might be angry at you for no reason, is unpredictable, depressed, anxious. You try to be understanding, patient, ask what is happening, you get no answer, or just excuses. You dont know how to talk to your partner anymore, because your efforts are not appreciated. Your partner might shout at you for no reason, just because is somehow irritated (and you never know the reason, just notice that your partner is irritated kind of 24/7). You hope it is just temporary, but as time goes by, you realize your partner doesnt want to change it, you try to talk about it and your partner might say (to get rid of you) that he realises he doesnt spend much time with you, and promises it will change. Even has sex with you to prove it. The change in your partners behaviour might last up to three days and after that inevitably everything is like it was before. After some time you realize your partner wont change. You might even realize you dont love him anymore. But, you are somehow in a trap already, you spent so much time with your partner, your best years, maybe you never imagined a divorce, maybe you are christian and dont believe in divorce, but find yourself in a marriage with someone you hate. Imagine your partner says all the way how much he loves you. But nothing he does proves it, no considerarion for your feelings and needs, you see you are absolutely not important for your partner. Maybe you start lying, and say i love you, although you dont feel it anymore, you just want sex at least now and then, to feel loved.
And, in this situation, you find out, your partner watches porn regularly, masturbates at porn. You are disgusted, surprised, feel betrayed. All those years you thought you married an asexual, and now it seems he loves sex, just not with you. You feel ugly, not good enough, old... Yes, it is devastating, it destroys you. It is hard to explain, I just mentioned few examples of why does it feel so bad for the partner of porn addict. But there are other things, like lying, gaslightning, ... Some are cheating in real world, some are ogling other women on the street, imagine a walk with a partner that is constantly sexualising everybody in sight.
You find yourself in a trap, the partner hides all of this and tries to persuade you he loves you and you are his love and blablabla. And you believe it, it is the love of your life, isnt it? He wouldnt hurt you, would he? Well...when you find the porn, you know he would hurt you oh so much. And lie about it for years. And he still lies, even when there is evidence. And now, you dont know your partner anymore, you realize you didnt know him all those years, didnt know his deepest fears (that you will find out), you didnt know about his biggest and only hobby (pmo), you just feel like living with a stranger. But, you have invested so much into this relationship and you have nowhere to go. Dont wanna start again with someone else just to be fooled like this again. If he could lie like this, anyone could. You will never trust anyone again the way you did before. You dont want this to happen again....
Just a few why-s... I know other partners could make the list even much longer.
Porn addicts shouldnt enter relationships. They should fix themselves first. And if they cant, they should remain single forever. My opinion. Vast majority of partners of porn addicts would agree with me.

 

Hey, your explanation is great.
Also 'Porn addicts shouldnt enter relationships.' though I believe you are right, sometimes people don't even know. You get into a relationship and the PMO stuff falls by the wayside for a while and you think this is great, I'm cured. Then slowly it rears it's ugly head and now you ruin not only your own life but that of the person you love too.

 

i don't know even if i'm "getting closer" to someone i alway feel like we're distant. it's really difficult for me to relate to that example.

i agree. even alone there's plenty of other things to "complain" (for lack of a better word) about.

that (with the rest of the message) makes more sense to me. there are a lot of implications. again it's hard for me to relate but, the pain of others... i know i have been (and i still probably am) guilty of that.

thank you both for painting a broad but specific enough picture.

@Oct162022 you lead the way. be careful. thank you for sharing your story.

 

Mate, it's like I could've written the post above. The early age of PMO. The idea that with my wife I would stop. The shame of it all stopping me from being able to tell her about it. My first post on here was the first time I was able to voice it, and I had to do it annonymously, I still can't tell anyone in my real life.

 

I am really sorry for everybody who started with porn at very early age. I have 7 year old child myself and I am terrified just at the thought they could stumble upon porn. My little innocent babies.
I am sorry it happened to you. I believe your parents had no idea what is happening. Who would want that to happen to their children? They probably had no idea porn was so easily accessible, for such a young person, and didnt imagine their little child would even want to watch such a thing.
I know when someone starts at such an early age, it is not about satisfaction, or about passion or lust, it is maybe more a curiosity or disgust. And before you know it, you are addicted.
I know the addiction part is very real and I know the urges are really strong. I saw few videos I found in my husbands pc, and I had quite strong urges to watch porn myself. It took me about a year to get rid of them. And I can only imagine someone who saw in 20+ years 10 000 more videos than me, has 10 000 stronger urges than I had. And if it took me a year after few videos, I dont believe that anyone who spent 20 years in active porn addiction, will ever be free of urges, or ever forget what he saw, or ever stop being affected by it at least a little. Thats a 1/3 to 1/4 of a lifetime... That is a lot...

But with all of this being said, I understand why your wife feels like this. I feel like that too. If my husband was satisfied with me, he wouldnt need to watch porn anymore. I wasnt enough to stop him. He, just like you, assumed that marriage would cure him. If he had enough love and sex, he wouldnt need porn anymore. And that is just what I still think. I wasnt enough. If I was, he would stop the porn. I wasnt sexy enough for him, I didnt give him enough of the kind of sex he wanted, I wasnt good enough for him in any meaning of the word. He never said that. He probably didnt think that. But that is exactly what happened. I just couldnt excite him as much as the thousands of always new, always younger, always perfect, always ready women. But I dont blame myself for that. I know it wasnt my fault. (But it took me a long time to accept that. There were times I tried to compete with them, be sexy, offer sex everyday, do whatever he wanted...When I realised I cant win, I stopped. Either he wants me the way I am or not and so be it).
It was him, who raised his expectations so much because of porn, that literally noone could be enough. Because of his addiction.

Agreed. But not just child abuse. Pornography is not good for anyone. I was almost 40 and married when I first saw it and I was in shock for months.

Do I understand it right that a wife should act like it is just an addiction like alkoholism, and forget about the sex her husband is watching and the lust he feels for plenty of other women? Like it doesnt matter? Like it is just a coincidence that he has just this kind of addiction? (Sorry, english is not my first language and I really dont know if I understand what you are saying...but if you are saying that wives should separate the addiction from the act itself and see it just like any other addiction...why should they? Addiction or not, it is still cheating. It is still hurting.)
According to Roman Catholic Church someone who is in active addiction is not capable of getting married. If someone was addicted while entering marriage, it can be annulled. And I agree with that, an addicted person is not able to be fully committed to another person, because the addiction will always come first. And it doesnt matter what the addiction is. All of them are harmful for others. Porn addiction is just much harder to see for others. It doesnt show itself like alcohol or drugs. Noone sees you do it. So the partner of porn addict has no clue until too late. And of course, it cuts in the heart of a partner like no other addiction.

 

I think part of the process of healing is fully accepting the damage done by your behavior, and to stop pushing it down the road. The damage is already done, confessing itself is not where the damage is done (not to say you shouldn't consider the way that you confess and how you handle the conversation). But not confessing is just pushing things down the road... You may not make significant progress until you truly have all the consequences in front of you. I have been in that boat, just wait until I have things on a good track to share... The thing is, I need the reality of being honest to get on a good track.

And it will be up to your wife how she reacts, and she has every right to react how she chooses. But no matter the outcome, compare that outcome with the outcome of halting your growth or actively doing the opposite of growing out of fear of being honest with your partner. 5, 10, 15 years from now... who you will be based on your decisions now?

 

I can agree with all of this. It is sad, but true.
To be a little optimistic, if you stick with your journey and dont relapse, or at least not lie about relapses ever, it gets better with time. A year is just too little for a wife. I remember my husbands first year. He was celebrating, he was so proud of himself, I couldnt stand him talking about that. I couldnt share his joy. It was just too soon, it opened the wounds. For me it wasnt wow, a year (it was a little), it was much more, it is a year now, since it ruined my life...
I dont remember the 2 year mark though. No such emotions on my side. I felt much better a year later.