Trying again..

Yea... tried a while back, did not work. Keep trying off and on, but its hard to make it past 3 days. Then I just start doom-scrolling porn, sometimes just to stay-awake for work. I start clicking through porn when I panic at work that I don't understand how to do something, so I grab my phone and start scrolling some site or another, link after link, downloading images I'll never see again to... I don't even know why. I don't even like what I'm looking at anymore. Vanilla, extreme, it doesn't matter, it just bores me, its almost a chore I have to do and get through. It distracts me from video games, where I'll be getting to good scenes and then have to flip to a window because my brain remembers it wants to see porn. Ugh. I am so incredibly tired of / done with this. I want to be. It gets in the way of my relationships, its my ADHD way worse, its taking time away from my projects.. I don't know.

So yea.. lets try this again. I closed every account I have relating to sex in any way (as well as a few that were for other things that weren't good for me). Erased all the porn. I got a counter installed, I'll start re-reading through... Uff....

(and yea, I need to lose that 500+ tag, its not correct. I so wish it were..)

 

Starting day 2. So far so good. Any time my brain remembers a porn site or account I once looked at, I am using that energy to close it. Any time I remember some place I saved porn I purge it without looking at it so it can't tempt me. It's not easy, some parts of me want to take a peek, one last read of a story, they tell me that some day I will regret it because I won't be able to find it again. Which is stupid. I've never in my life even looked again at anything I saved.

Is compulsive saving porn a thing? Like.. is this what horders feel? Or those people with an army of teacup pig sculptures or something? When I was young at one point I'd decided to quit looking and threw out all my VHS tapes, and there was a movie I never saw again anywhere. High production value, lots of actors, strong dialog. Just a full on high class movie from the 70s or something. Don't want to think about it too much or I'll try to find it again. I wonder if that's where I developed this obsession with 'save everything, maybe some day you'll want to watch it'. Like... stuff I don't even like. That's boring or too extreme for me. Random photos I'll sometimes take on the street just because, not even sexual, just so my brain won't think about it too long. Never open them, never look again, but some part of my brain says 'hey, at least if you ever wanted to, you could.' Becayse what if, some day, I'll get curious? Then I'll know it's.. somewhere.. in some unsorted random backed up folder.. ugh. So. Freaking. Dumb!

Ok, quitting 2 things then. Porn, and saving images. No more of either. No more screenshots. No more filling up my phone with trash until I don't have room for anything else. No more.

 

New day. Yesterday was.. trickier. Got through it, hit the panic button a few times, dived into some repetitive tasks. Its amazing how the brain works, how it tries to rationalize things. 'You could probably just do this, it wouldn't count'. 'If you do this it will make that easier'. 'Oh, you never saw the end of - why not go check it out'. 'Maybe just edge a little'. etc etc. And its slippery. As you're answering yourself (talking to yourself?) as to why that's not gonna happen, the next answer is already slipping through 'oh, of course, so we should just..' trying to work its way through your defenses. Got through it. I hope today is easier, but I suspect it will be harder. If I make it through 1 week it will probably get easier.

 

New day. Yesterday had some easy points (went to an event with the wife, that distracted me) and a lot of hart points. Where it felt like my groin was just warming up and power was just coursing out of it. And yea, my brain absolutely tempted me like there was no tomorrow, it was like trying to ride a wild horse. This morning my thoughts immediately went to temptation, and my hand half moved toward my phone to 'just look up..'. I held back. Its gonna a long day I think..

 

She does, she's very supportive of whatever I need to do.

 

Absolutely. Its a mixed blessing. The support really helps, as does seeing that you're working 'for someone'. But every time you fall short the guilt is so much more. >< Overall, net positive.

 

New day. Yesterday was... very hard. I slipped a bit. Not all the way. I was able to keep from following the slip down to pulling up pictures or videos, I was able to keep from trying to 'edge'. But I did pull up some erotica 'just to see if I could find that one story..'. *sigh* I think I'm still on track, just stumbled a bit, but getting back up and keeping going. Ugh.

 

New day, one day at a time. Another rough day yesterday. I managed to mostly focus.. saw some things that triggered me but I was able to pull back before following them too far down. Still so hard but one day at a time... hopefully each day might get a little easier. I think I need to get a fidget toy or something. Maybe one of those hand-exercise things..

 

Yea.. need to hold strong. My brain is working overtime finding backdoors, excuses, arguments, explanations, and so on. Its really bad during workdays, when my brain gets super stressed about very hard problems, overwhelming amounts of reading, and stuff I just have no idea how to deal with. I wonder if this is how smokers feel, needing to rush out for a quick smoke when things build up?

 

Today I'll try something different. Any time I find myself with an urge, I'll do a little bit of working out. Been meaning to get in shape so.. lets see how this goes

 

*sigh* and.. resetting the counter. The brain fog got too strong in the middle of an all-nighter of work. Well, I'd made it 10 days so... guess that means I know I can make it 10 days, lets see if I can go 11 next time. Starting with 1 at a time. This would be so much easier with a human-level work-schedule, so my brain doesn't get to points where it just can't think clearly. *sigh*