Relapse after 98 days: What I've learned

This is my first ever post on this community. However, I've been reading this site for months, in my own battle to give up pornography addiction. It was never 100% clear in my mind however that I was truly addicted until today.

This is a bit of a story, and I can only ask that you bear with me.

In terms of withdrawal symptoms etc., I've been sailing pretty fine. I get a lot of cravings, but I'm usually able to resist them. Hence why I managed to get to 98 days. Most of the time, I would get my favourite pictures or scenes burning in my mind, but I would be able to distract myself, and defeat the urges. I feel it important to note at this point that I was only giving up pornography, and not masturbation.

Anyway, things were going really well until yesterday. And then, when I was preparing to go out last night, I got a text from my mother. She thought I was out of the house, but she was wrong. I ran downstairs to find she'd taken 96 tablets in an attempt to take her own life.

I travelled with her in the back of the ambulance to the hospital. She was telling me that enough was enough, and she wanted to go on her own terms. She's been incredibly depressed for a long time, and I learned last night that this wasn't the first occasion she'd tried to commit suicide (I'd thought it was).

I've always had an incredibly close relationship with my mother. I'm sure I speak for most sons in this respect, in a community which I'm sure is 99% men. The last two days have been absolute torture for me, and was it any surprise that I finally let my guard down and that I gave in?

I guess this leads to the main point of my post. Half an hour ago, when I felt those urges became too much, the exhilaration I felt was absolutely incredible. My heart was literally pounding, I felt sick, and it felt as if my vision were beginning to cloud. My head felt as if it were on fire, as if something were burning or sore in my brain. And what I learned two minutes after that, when I was done, was that I am 100% addicted to pornography. Because what I felt wasn't sexual arousal, but rather closer to something like a panic attack. By God I had to have that, to stop that damn anxiety inside me! That was the mind's process behind it (not my process, for I feel I rather lost myself in the mind's own process, which is still my own responsibility by the way). Yet those two minutes taught me an incredible amount about my addiction, and now I will renew my vow never to even look at pornography again. I want to heal myself and I want to meet a nice girl and be happy. It's not a lot to ask for really, hey? But we are in control of that.

So, even if something awful happens to you or your loved ones, and you relapse, don't hate yourself for it. Just learn from it. You are human. You have emotions, and they can lead to ridiculous decisions, even breaking something which you've made the near purpose of your life for the past 98 days. But, once you've taken that lesson, don't fall further into the spiral. Dust off your shoulders, and get back on the wagon, and keep going because it is what you deserve!

 

Thank you terminalparadox. I visited my mother today: she's still very upset but alive, and now I'm going to make sure she gets the right care and attention. I understand your situation as well. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

Thank you all for your posts! My mother is back home and is receiving treatment already. She has been visited several times by the crisis team and the options for her are being re-evaluated.

This will surprise you as a good ending, but I must be honest, I was struggling again today and ended up back on a porn site. Again, the urges initially got the better of me. For some reason, I promised myself that this would be the very last time (how many times have we said that to ourselves?) But here's where it gets good... I tried to approach it with a calm state of mind, instead of the anxiety festered one I had the other day. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to make myself feel better.

But I loaded up my favourite porn pics, and felt absolutely nothing. No urge to masturbate. No want to indulge in it. I flicked through a gallery in ten seconds. It was if I was looking at pictures of walls rather than girls. And then, I started to feel oddly disgusted with what I was looking at.

Then I closed the internet window and carried on with my day.

 

I completely agree with you swimbikerun. I think it's bad when we see relapses as failures, because it makes us more likely to fail again. What about all the days we managed to not PMO? Out of the past 100 days, I managed to not PMO on 99 of them. I think we just have to see relapses as lessons, that we need to find alternate ways to porn use to help manage our feelings and emotions, especially once the initial habit or addiction has been kicked.

 

IGY, I have also suffered from depression in the past. I felt awful, and mine was only mild. I certainly understand how you must feel, and please remember my friend that there are always people who love you, and will help to support you through hard times. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

Thank you Jem. I've always suffered from anxiety as well: sometimes it'll be fine for a few months, and then flare up awfully at other times. I'm a writer and student as well, and I think it gets particularly bad when I spend long periods of time on my own!

Thank you very much for the book recommendation as well. I'm skint at the moment but will ask for it as a Christmas present! I've always been interested in these sorts of books. If you haven't read them already, then I also recommend to you The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Two books that totally transformed my life.

 

Kamado86, thank you very much for the kind words. Also I'd like to add that when I first had dreadful anxiety I also thought that I was going mad. Little did I know this is just anxiety's effect on the mind!

And nofap has definitely helped me with my anxiety. I have learned now to view my thoughts as just thoughts anyway, but I have noticed that my thoughts are also a lot calmer and happier than before I began nofap. I kicked caffeine as a habit as well and also found that to be a massive benefit.