Taboo's and why I am an addict

(Don't click the spoilers if you are even slightly susceptible to relapse right now) I write this tonight because I failed. I have failed again, I PMO'd but in a different way. I looked up homosexual porn. I have never been gay, but yet homosexual porn has been rewired in my mind as arousing. It causes me to relapse because I justify in my mind that watching that is less bad than watching women, because I am getting married soon. Oh but I am wrong, but that is how that gets into my mind. In fact, it is actually much worse in my opinion because I am continuing to rewire my brain against what I actually like for the sake of "saving myself."

Many of you are in the same boat that I am. We began at a very young age, me about the age of 10... I think... I really don't know when I began to PMO, but it was young, could have been younger. Beginning with vanilla stuff, and then it began to escalate. I remember the first time I stumbled on some heavy stuff, it was repulsive, and I fled it immediately. But I remember having this curiosity that built into my mind, "why? why would someone want to watch that?" That curiosity built up and before I knew it I was watching hard core of all types very frequently. Now we all know this as a reoccurring thing, you watch porn and it inevitably. On very rare cases does it not in our case.

But the thing that intrigued me is I feel into

Spoiler: *TRIGGER* some heavy stuff

humiliation, femdome, transgendered person, rape, violent, and most even homosexual.

. But interestingly enough, I have never felt gay, never have I thought any part of men was attractive, so why did this become arousing to me? Why is it arousing now? In an article I read, it reminded the reader that by watching P we are objectifying the human body. But we aren't just objectifying the woman, we objectify the man. We create brain wiring that says that men in a sexual term, can be arousing. Now I personally have never been gay, as I mentioned - nothing about men is attractive to me. But yet, I find myself consumed when urges come, with those fantasies. Its the theory of taboo. One article I read from a psychologist stated that we fantasize about the things that we actually do not want in our life, things that we would never actually carry out in a clear state of mind. I was raised in a Christian home that didn't handle it well. Instead of what I believe now which is to love them despite it being wrong, I was raised to believe it was essentially one of the "worst sins ever." I never learned what to do with it, other than it was bad.

So then in walks porn, and my mind begins to wire. Now a couple years back I had two sexual encounters with men I contacted on CL. But I hated them and I was in such a low spot of my life. The first I didn't get aroused, but I got off. The second one I was extremely aroused, but it was not because I found the old perverted man attractive, it was the fantasies my mind had created. My mind had begun to wire itself to be aroused by thinking that I was a woman, that I enjoyed giving up all control to men.

You see, this is one of the most severe effects of P I have ran into. I am 22 and never have I had an issue with ED. But, my mind is corrupted by the fantasies and rewiring P has done. Now, as I try to quit PMO, my mind lashes out with these fantasies as a way to get into my mind. It knows, that the thought of homosexual fantasies, surrendering myself, etc. are all arousing to me, that I will "get my fix" if I let those in.

So why do I write this out? Like many of you I am struggling. I have failed yet again, and took the last step I can in preventative, I installed a new safe browser on my phone - completely removing the temptation of the dreaded incognito mode on my chrome app. I am not gay, I am a regular 22 year old man dealing with pornography addiction and corruption. I get married in 60 days. I get married in 60 days and this continues to reverb through my mind. I am giving it everything I can to heal and reboot, but when we are weakest we should be able to turn to those around us, you are a part of my community for healing, My second fold for writing this is to ask for you all's help. Support me. Hold me accountable that I won't be falling into any lusting temptation at all. If you are religious, pray that my mind can begin to rewire now, today. That these sexual deviations from P that my mind has wired to be arousing, would in fact be cleansed from my mind and have no adverse affects on my marriage to come. It would truly crush me to know I have brought such a burden into my marriage from the start.

Thank you for all your support. This community gave me a huge jump start to my recovery. Don't do porn. Porn in my case quite literally kills my brains pathways of the love I desire.

-8Bit

To clarify one last thing as I end my post. I have no quarrel with homosexuals or anyone of the LGBT community. I personally do not think that it is what God intended for us, but I do not judge you for it. My job is to love and support you, just as any other human is. I hope that you all understand that. I am not homophobic, I am not prejudice, I do not dislike gays.