3/19/16 - 10 day PMO challenge

I haven't made a week in a long time, so here goes. Going to try and substitute PMO time for reading game of thrones, doing research, and working out with friends

 

Yes and thanks! Can you help me get the day counter thing to show up in these posts? I've been seeing it in other people's posts. It would help me keep track of my progress.

 

Thanks!

 

Day 4

It's only been 4 days, but it feels like I have been clean for a very long time. Maybe because school is so damn hard and I have been getting a lot of positive social interactions with others. It's coming up to the weekend and I am getting very apprehensive, because for the longest time I would slip back into PMO out of boredom from suddenly having some free time to myself. It may not be a loneliness thing fully, becuase I relapsed last weekend after my friend's birthday party, and I got to talk to a lot of people there. Maybe it was hearing about everyone's elses significant others that set me off, for I haven't really been intimate with anyone for at least 2 years. I see all of these people that really aren't any more intelligent or good looking than I and yet they seem to always get what I want, namely a partner to touch and feel and be completely honest with. They seem to always have more experience than me in this department. But that could just be my PMO brain expecting too much out of others. Is it logical for me to want intimate contact 24/7? Can other people just live in a bubble and do the most productive thing for themselves at all times? The worst part of this whole experience is looking back at all the friends I could have made, all the dumb and adventurous experiences I could have had, if I didn't get into PMO at the early age I did. But I can't change what happened, and my job now is to look forward, fix myself, and save others from ever having to know what this feels like.

 

So I searched something related to P on facebook and some real P came up. I shut it down instantly, but I don't think I should be lenient on myself; after all, I went looking for it. So there is real p on facebook, how will I deal with this knowledge in the future? I am still confident to make 10 days, but it get very hard to keep the urges away.

 

Hi Awakening,

I got facebook to delete it. I can't believe people get away with that stuff. And I get your point exactly, I'm always going to find P if I go looking for it and no amount of internet blocking will be enough. It's like playing whack-a-mole and the only way to truly win is to walk away from the game entirely

 

I'm gonna go ahead and reset it again. I woke up at like 3 in the morning last night with the wild urge to search P, and I looked at some sexual pictures. I was literally shaking and I felt freezing cold. I didn't really stumble on any actual P, but it felt worthy of a reset. It's like that scene in the movie "The Last Samurai" where Tom Cruise is an alcoholic and he's in a japanese village going through a withdrawal and he's yelling for sake. I can relate to that scene now; it looked painful and this is very painful, even physically, on top of the anixety part of when I'm going to start shaking again. But I guess last time I got the shakes I went so far as to kill my internet blockers to actually be able to watch P, so this may be seen as an improvement. Still, I just want to be able to lead a normal life and erase these thoughts out of my head.

 

Good Idea!

 

I got the shakes again last night and found a loophole through my blockers. I fixed the loophole, but again the only way out is through my own willpower. If only there was some way that I could remember how bad I feel right now when I'm about to reset. I'll write in this journal daily for accountability, even on days when I feel good. I get complacent after I reach a certain number of days and reset out of boredom and loneliness. I don't like living alone. I found a roomate for next year in a much better apartment but this current place depresses me. And the guy I'm moving in with is probably gonna get with a girl who rejected me, who I liked a lot. School is the most stressful it has ever been. I just don't see a very optimistic future for myself. 15 days is going to be a major leap of faith for me but it has to happen, for me to have any self-worth.

 

Thank you! you've been very helpful in this process!

 

Still going strong and heading into the weekend. This is where I tend to slip up, but I have faith in my ability to stay on track. Just gotta knock down these bad thoughts of mine as they pop up. Went out last night, had a really good time, so that might be the cause of my optimism. The real test will be when I have nothing going on if I can keep my head straight. One day at a time.

 

It has been going pretty well. School and life been wearing me down a lot recently and I have come pretty close to looking at P, but I have been able to stop myself. I am definitely looking forward to the summer where I'll have more time for fun activities. I made it through the rest of the weekend! That's a cause for celebration

 

Day 0 ,

Another reset. The week wore me down, but that isn't an excuse. I am still glad that I made 10/12 day. And from now on I will reset the counter every time I search something remotely related to P. I think this is slow progress.

 

Day 0,

The reset is turning into a binge and I really don't want it to . I'm very angry at myself right now