New To this Site

Hi Tony,
it's a common occurrence to find yourself interested in subjects that yo may not normally have found arousing before you porn habits developed. You can read about this on the Coolidge effect, describing the need for constant novelty.

It is also possible, of course, you may have real interest in these areas. Your joining this community will help you to, I hope, find some time to work out this by moving away from a PMO cycle.
welcome to the site.

 

Hi there, Tony. I just found out about this site today and have signed up. I have a similar experience as you. I too am married, and yet I visit m4m websites. I am just figuring out how this site works, but am interested in finding an accountability partner. I have had some in the past and feel like that is the best way to go forward. What are your plans? I would be interested to hear how you will proceed.
Tim

 

hey guys. I keep encountering more and more married men who have SSA, but don't know what to do. You are not alone. I actually have developed friendships with two guys form here and we now talk on the phone daily to encourage each other.

I don;t think you can make the feelings go away. But I have been working on understanding where they came from and just knowing I'm not "damaged beyond repair" has helped me feel more whole and integrated. In fact, the first time I had sex after doing some of this learning, I had never felt more present and connected. Like that shame that had been holding me back was melting.

I have also found the more I am free from PMO 50+ days now, the more I am drawn to my wife.

PMO with gay images definitely makes you feel more that way. That's just understandable.

Check out some of these podcasts, its not a judgy Christian outlook. http://www.healinghiddenwounds.com/previous-podcasts.html

These two blew my socks off, nailed me and my childhood to a tee.
http://www.audio.healinghiddenwounds.com/hhw20080315.mp3
http://www.audio.healinghiddenwounds.com/hhw20080419.mp3

As I listened, I got so lost in how accurate the description was I missed my exit and didn't even realize it for 4 miles.


Here's my long story below. Share yours if it helps.

I (and the other guys) have found healing in just being able to talk about our "dirty secret". The more we talk, the smaller and more right-sized it feels. More manageable.

Hope to talk more,

James

This is basically a private journal about my sexual development to look for threads and trends. It may be long, don't expect you to read it all if you don't have time. Just need to type and process.


I've been married for 10 years. The first year sex was great. The 2nd year I developed some anxiety issues during sex because of an medical incident (long story) but my shame from that led me back to porn. I had been clean for 2 years, getting clean was what helped me get the courage to ask my wife out. From there PIED set in and 70-80% of each year for the past 8 years has been endless cycles of bad, traumatizing sex. I would get soft, pull away, withdraw, shut down. She would feel rejected. Us growing farther apart. Having kids in the middle of all of it.

We're slowly getting better, but she doesn't feel in love with me, but still loves me. Sex is not this easy thing. She has high desire which she has to stuff down because of her fear of me withdrawing.

Overall my household growing up didn't talk about sex. When sex scenes came on in a movie, it got uncomfortable. Generally an emotionally avoidant household.

I remember in 3rd grade seeing Top Gun, and definitely felt curious about hose sex scenes.

My family had a hot tub and for a while they would get naked, but for whatever reason, I felt more prudish about being naked.

I missed the sex-ed talk in 5th grade because I was in the hospital. My 8th Grade teacher did the very basics. So basically up until high school I felt like I was left out of the "conversation" about sex. I didn't know what masturbation was. I remember someone talking about porn, no clue what it was. Someone asked if I had pubic hair, no clue. Jokes about 69 went right over my head. I even looked up sex words in the dictionary to understand what things were.

I also remember at some point figuring out where the "art" books with nude pics were in libraries and bookstores.

Right before high school I discovered the pleasure of rubbing myself, but didn't really know what was happening.

Around this time I remember being curious about other men. It may just have been that sex wasn't normalized and I wanted to know more about my body. My parents never talked about it. My dad didn't even teach me to shave or ever have the talk with me.

At the end of my freshman year I was first exposed to softcore porn on a band trip. First time I really remember getting an erection. Not sure what was happening.

Sometime during that summer, I discovered my dad's porn stashes (books behind his sweaters, playboys in his nightstand, VHS copies of porn and recordings from HBO up in his closet). I remember being shocked and yet sucked in. It became a daily after-school habit using his Vaseline. I was very good about rewinding the tape to the exact spot and putting everything back just right.

I remember being just as intrigued by the guys, their dick's, etc. As I write this, was I just curious about how my penis compared, would perform, etc?

At school, we would shower after swimming during PE and I couldn't stop taking glances. Who had a bigger one? Who had pubic hair? I would have stared all day if I wouldn't get caught. I even remember on a church mission trip "peeking" at everyone in the showers. I would always take glances in the public restrooms.

I was also had zero self-esteem and was really overweight so I disqualified my self from dating. All of high school I basically spent being a good kid with good grades and extra curriculars, and masturbating every night. I discovered scrambled porn. I would try to stay awake until my parents went to bed and then M to the TV, basically sounds and glimpses of something. One time I ordered PayPerView porn, but lied about doing it when it was on the bill. My parents must have know something, but basically were in denial and didn't say anything.

Towards the end of senior year I joined a gym, lost a ton of weight,, grew 4 inches taller, and felt better about myself. But my fixation on guys in the locker room persisted.

In college, I did more locker room browsing. Sophomore year I discovered Internet porn. But I was also a bigger, hairier guy and didn't see myself in regular porn. This led me to look anywhere I could for "guys more like me" or what I thought I would look like when I was older. This basically meant amateur swinger sites and gay bear club sites.

I still wasn't dating anyone. I went to a dance with a girl, liked her, turned out she was a lesbian. Got a crush on a unavailable girl, became her best friend, let myself feel constant heartache for 3 years. Used porn throughout. Also lots of shower gazing plus I one time saw a guy M at the urinal. Felt transfixed.

If you're still reading this, thanks. I'm pausing because I think I was seeking affirmation of myself as a man, affirmation of my sexuality, but didn't know how to get it. Only in recent years have I felt more comfortable with my masculinity and sexuality as good things. I even developed a practice of thanking God for my penis and sex each time I go to the bathroom to counter all the negative associations I developed using porn.

Fast forwarding, the next 7 years were more of the usual porn addict model. Binge at night, swear it off, do it again. I discovered online chatting through AOL, and then gay.com. Eventually transitioned to trying to do phone sex with anonymous guys I met online. Never ever let it go further. Somehow that would still keep it contained. I never even spent any money. Leave no trace.

At a certain point, I somehow white knuckled myself to being sober for 1 year. I was feeling better about myself (working out, good job at a church). But still the shower gazing.

And then I've told you the rest. Marriage, sex anxiety, relapse, PIED, endless cycles of hurt. Tons of phone sex. Some recovery (Celebrate Recovery, SA, etc).

So as I write it all out, I still don't fully understand SSA. Did I take a healthy curiosity about being a man and let it get warped? Did I miss out on healthy discussions about sex? Or even unhealthy guys being guys talk/jokes that kept me "pure" but sacrificed developing male intimacy? Am I just dying for true intimacy with other men that I never had with my dad, or other friends?