15 Days

Greetings Booters.

Tonight marks day 15. My high water mark was 20 days in November. Before this it's been like 5-6 days and 11 day once. (OCD anyone?) :}

I've been in SAA recovery for 3 years and it's a wonderful fellowship and program. Masturbation has been allowed during my abstinence (limited to x number of days and x number of minutes per week) but I finally decided to cut everything out and go celibate.

I'm married, and my wife supports the 90 day reboot. She knows how nuts the porn is and is happy for me to try and get off it cold turkey.

I did slip BADLY recently, thus the reset and now the 15 days.

In the 6 years I've been married, I'd managed to do my thing in the shadows and isolation. But recently, my wife was working late and I took advantage of it...jerking off to porn on my phone AND eating like two pounds of cookies and ice cream (my other addiction is sugar)...I was so engrossed, I didn't notice her text saying "oh, I am done early...coming home".

She walked in and it was HUMILIATING. Mind you, she is not an especially judgemental person...so it's not like she yelled or went crazy. She just said "this is as embarrassing for me as it is for you". I mean, it was just so awful to be 'outed' like that...where the actual grossness of it was in the light of day. Before, it was just discussing it...but it was a whole other thing to be WITNESSED.

But the good part of it was being able to say to her, fuck, this is what it's like. And I want to stop.

I've ALWAYS found that honesty is what carries my sobriety.

You know they say -- your are only as sick as your secrets. It's so true. The more I share, the less shame I feel. And I think all of us can come to a site like this, or be in a 12 Step Program...and be able to talk about this stuff because WHERE THE HELL ELSE ARE WE GOING TO? Healthy people won't understand. But no one here is ever surprised by what we say. The stories might be a little different, but the nuts and bolts are the same.

When I share with my wife and my fellows when I am struggling, I am less likely to act out. When I hide out, I am going to PMO.

When I feel like "I got this...I can do it"...I am going to eventually act out. I never 'got this'. If I don't work at it on some level each day, eventually I get amnesia about what it was like.

So just checking in. ;}

Jeff