15 years of Online Erotic Roleplay addiction(chatango)This is my story, and telling it IS my healing

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by YouAren'tAlone, Nov 1, 2022.

  1. YouAren'tAlone

    YouAren'tAlone Fapstronaut

    This is going to be long so I broke it into segments. If you at some point get fed up with me, please skip to the paragraph at the very end.

    I have ADHD and am 29 and since I was 14 I have been addicted to online erp. How it started was when I was on a site watching normal anime, I believe it was the original dragonball since that was harder to find access to than dragonball z. These sites ALWAYS have a little window on the right with a chat box. That got me. Almost immediately I was hooked.
    The instant access to people who want to talk to you was like a drug. I actually had an online girlfriend pretty soon from this who was my age and we would cam together. Then her mother found out and called the police assuming I was an older pedophile so I had to immediately call my dad, explain to him EVERYTHING and give him the moms number to talk to her which was mentally scaring. He said its fine but never go on that site again and im forbidden... Honestly if that was that and I quit then? No big deal lesson learned. I would give years off my life to go back in time and have listened.
    I eventually started making girl accounts just to have easier access to people to rp with. The attention is intoxicating. I would make account after account based on different characters, scenarios, basically all ending up with sex etc just to catch that buzz. It is the ULTIMATE escapism but it is also empty... I genuinely think I would cry if I saw the total hours I have ever spent on that website. The fetish chasing would lead to forming emotional attatchments with these people who would fufil my buzz and it got to where I would come home from school and immedietly go online until it was too late to stay up. I still made sure to watch my shows and I never turned down an invitation to do something but the damage was still being done. I would tell myself "it's okay you aren't addicted, you still can easily put it down when people ask you to hang or if there is a movie, restaurant I want to go to etc. Honestly? at this stage it probably was still more of a habit than an addiction.
    College years
    Now to college. One good sign to tell that you have a problem is if you run to online when confronted with stress. I would do that habitually during college and well... college can be very stressful. I would find myself more often than not going to a library or common room to study and end up fucking online for hours and getting little studying done. So yes due to this addiction I had masturbated many times in college library bathrooms. I was also a member of the college lacrosse team for a year (had to stop because injury, this had nothing to do with my exit) but it took me until the spring semester to know the names of all the teammates... in high school I was the captain of lacrosse and football so yeah, not remembering the names in college was weird. All through this time I have still never had a girlfriend in my life... Oh I liked girls, some I was head over heels for and would hook up with and go on dates with but to commit was always scary... especially when online partners are easy and no real commitment involved. And as I am sure you could guess, I had erectile dysfunction (To be honest, to this day I am not sure if it is because the chats or my spine damage / adhd meds).
    Where it went from bad to severe, most people around my age could guess... was when I got a smart phone. Instantly I had INSTANT access to all of this online sex digging deeper and deeper into fucked up fetishes just so I can get the buzz and feel miserable after. I would be doing all of this online sex as a man, woman, anything, all the time, in class, at work, at family gatherings, at the gym... it immediately became all consuming and my excuse of "as long as I never hesitate to socialize when the opportunity presents itself" stopped being valid... (especially when as an adult, socializing doesnt come to you, you have to chase it).
    Early 20's I didnt necessarily "quit" but I absolutely had it under better control. I had said I was going to quit when graduating and while I didn't "quit" I cut back seveeeeerely. I spoke to my mom about it and while I refused to tell her the "details" I explained the gist and she helped, even got me a therapist (who I never had the balls to fully open up about this to) I was coaching youth sports, I was dating, and just I kinda did that instead of porn when I needed my kick. Then unfortunately in about the span of 3 years I had to have multiple spine surgeries, leg surgery, and the icing on the cake of despair, my mom passed away... It broke me... she IS my everything. We were as close as possible without it being pathetic. And the destructive escapism I needed was right there.

    Time for one big big positive

    If you stuck along this far that's awesome I hope something I have said you can use to help better yourself or someone you care about. Now I will throw a curve ball at you and show you the one good thing that can happen online. I made a true, authentic, genuine friend I was then living home with just my Grandmother I did not want to abandon as she just lost her daughter/my mom and it was easier to stay home while getting my masters (I did say I have a career ;) ). If I am being honest? this was prooooobably when I had it the best under control. I wanted to make my mom proud ya know? My friend and I both had accounts for the same anime we both liked and met that way. And well... yeah, it did start with erp. HOWEVER it became a great friendship and we wouldnt just erp, we would watch shows together and vent eachother's problems and the second I told her about my problem, like a friend should, she said she is never doing that again with me period, and to this day a few years after I told her that, we haven't done anything like that once. Having an online friend can be very very very positive you just have to find the right people and I was lucky to find one in a bad place. I value her friendship and honest truth, had I quit entirely when she said to stop, I wouldn't regret the years on there because I met a good person who helped me at my darkest point in life and I am in a way thankful to the hell hole of a website that I met her there. I would definetly run to her to vent rather than deal with my problems in the non online world but that is a me problem not her.

    Where it went off the rails

    So... it is the early spring and I kinda think I got this handled, I even got my masters! Can you guess what happened next? I'll give you a hint, March 2019 ring any bells *cough cough*. I was instantly locked inside like everyone with nothing but my vices and an over bearing grandmother I would try to avoid. So I would spend hours and hours and hours doing one on one, group stuff, anything all the time. I even became part of groups on discord where we would have full families, some people would be owned by others, the list goes on. Honestly almost all of my women accounts I would use (literally dozens) all had multiple sexual partners who I had long term erps going with where I would be a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, etc. I would have my head burried in my phone all the time. I told myself "Ya know what? How about this, you have it on your phone right? You can be on there as long as you are out exercising while you do it!" guess what... I lost 37 pounds in about 3 months lol. And no... I did not keep to my word, I got back on there when I got home. I try to cut myself a little slack since it was the pandemic and all of us needed escapism.

    Tipping Point

    Around April 2021 I was in a movie I was looking forward to but could barely focus on it. I felt like a drug addict needing his fix. It ruined it for me. I spent the whole way home crying hard and telling my friend im thinking about leaving forever but I dont want to hurt her or lose my buddy but Im trying to save myself. What I ended up doing was deleting the discord and making a new one then typing in her info to get her so I have discord only to contact her. There is still a part of me that believes full detatchment from online might do the trick but I had a good friend who I had not ERP'd with in at least a good chunk of months so felt if I have a good friend who completely understands what I am going through that it would be foolish to let my sickness kill that. I then deleted the chatango accounts I was most glued to as well feeling like it was an accomplishment. Guess what? I went clean for a long time. I believe nearly the rest of the year. Or I would tell myself that... after a couple weeks I was back on chatango talking to people, flirting, just gettiing the attention but not doing the sex. It felt like an alcoholic hanging out at the bar.

    The Relapse

    Some good things do last forever but not all of them, and eventually I cracked. My new career involved a very long commute and the train rides got me. I was stressed out of my mind all the time and needed an escape and again, all of the other poor suffering people were right there waiting to fuck and if some werent there? Others would be just a click away. That website even lets you search fetishes for people who have the same... And yeah, like most vices... I relapsed hard. I would be at my job on my phone having online sex with other people in the room. It became the norm... If I got stressed at work? BOOM I can instantly be a beautiful woman at a beach resort getting pampered like a queen or I could be a conquerer who just ravaged a village and found a woman he wants.

    My Final Opportunity

    Fast forward to now... I am almost 30 and I feel if I get my shit together before then... Than all of this is... well not okay, but it had a purpose. I try not to focus on it but if you read this far you would know I have been through some traumatic shit. From death to being crippled to loss... but those are parts of life. A coping method I use is telling myself there are much more dangerous vices I could have chosen like hard drugs. So here is what I did, I deleted every single chatango account I could remember from over the years. I was able to remember about 20-30 and of those about 70% of them were as women. The key to any healing is to truly want it... and I do.

    Wrapping it up

    I am sorry I kept you this long... I did say I have ADHD didn't I? I promised you analysis too so in the famous words of Heath Ledger "and here...we...go!"

    Why we get hooked

    I am a believer that the initial trap is not by any means the hentai/pervy nature of it. We are social creatures and when we see an opportunity to connect with other peoople, we are very drawn to it. In 2007 when I got hooked there was no real knowledge of this stuff and I got sucked in not even knowing the sexual aspect part of it, people just started hitting on me!
    Ever had a life chaning traumatic experience? Like that travel ad says "wanna get away?". Well there was a way to completely detatch from reality rather than deal with your trauma properly.
    Another reason we get hooked... Raise your hand if you get nervous meeting new people? How about asking a boy or girl out? ..... no nothing? Well how about chasing your dreams? Thought so... The online chat space gives a world for people to be whatever they want at the snap of a finger, think like "Ready Player One" but a lot less cool and way more fucked up.
    Sometimes it is because we have something repressed we use the fantasy land we create to express it. Ive encountered several trans women who were addicted until they transitioned because they used it to outlet their repressed femininity and unfortunately to get that validation from others got hooked. Honestly? I have those feelings sometimes and wonder if that is my case.

    What can you do?

    I can't ... I cannot... I can not... IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO STRESS THIS ANY MORE THAN I WILL NOW... FIND SOMEONE, EVEN ONE PERSON IN YOUR NON ONLINE LIFE YOU CAN TELL. It doesnt have to be family or a friend it can be a psychologist but they can only help you based off what you share. For myself, when I came clean it felt like a *SNAP* and it was like a massive reality check. All of the disgusting things I dedicated my life to hit me like a strike from the incredible hulk, All-Might, A pissed off Goku, Aaron Judges bat, getting blitz'd by Lawrence Taylor drugged up or whatever is going to make you get my point. This did not fix everything but popping that mental barrier that keeps your real life and this life separate, it will make it become real and you will realize you have a problem. I do reccommend therapy.
    I also believe while socializing online doesn't have to stop... GO FULL SCORCHED EARTH COLD TURKEY ON THE SEX AND THE WEBSITES YOU DID IT ON. Trust me on this one... go cold turkey. Delete the accounts. Friends you wish to keep you can add on websites that you DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR ADDICTION. This could be facebook, twitter, etc but if they really are your friends they will be happy to talk to you on a different site.
    hint: The last great thing you can do is in my next section

    Why Did I Get Hooked?

    Well... I was a 14 year old boy with ADHD whose brain needs stimulation do the math. Guess what? That math is crap. I CHOSE to be there. As soon as you realize that you choose to be there every time you go on it will make a difference. Everytime that stimulating log-in screen you associate with sex is there I want you to say this "By logging in I am choosing to go on this website where I will do ___________________________. Do I want to choose to do this with my free time". Will it magically cure you? Maybe! But if it doesn't I promise you that you will go on less. Now back to your loving author.
    I believe I got hooked because I have massive anxiety. Almost all of my choices in life are dictated by what others think. In high school I was afraid to date because what if people tease me! (dumb right?). I also have a family of almost entirely women so I would have this nightmare of them all sitting around sipping wine and showing their dissapproval (for what it's worth, that wouldn't happen, most of them are saints). And here came this option to do anything I wanted with no judgement... It was a lot easier than maturing into an adult and yeah, I am suffering some of the consequences of my choice now.
    I did mention before that I have dealt with some ideas of femininity. Prior to this site there were times... a lot of them... where if I was home alone I would crossdress. I assumed it was either a fetish or I ignored it. Having the online outlet kind of repressed that.
    I've been through crap in my life, some more traumatic than others and I believe I abused the escapism... but while I was extremely vulnerable... yeah I chose to do it.

    In Conclusion / Why the hell did I type this long

    My hands are getting tired so lets get to the end shall we? I wrote this because I want to close the door on that chapter of my life. This essay is my closure... I am laying it on the table and IF EVEN ONE PERSON GET'S ON TRACK BECAUSE OF THIS than my struggle had purpose. Cut yourself some slack my friend. Part of what makes it so scary is the isolation, you keep a whole half of your life seperate from everyone you love and it hurts those bonds. But if you are trying to better yourself and actively seeking help? You probably have more people in your life who will support you than you think. I support you and I don't even know you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE... AND I AM GOING TO PROVE IT RIGHT NOW


    - gangbang
    - sex change
    - race play
    - rape
    - loli
    - pregnancy
    - cheating
    - femboy
    - dominant women
    - submissive women
    - ntr
    - bully
    - public
    - master/slave
    - bdsm
    - anthro
    - being canonical fictional characters
    - making my own characters
    - cuckolding
    - more I cant think of
    Why Is this guy telling all of this? It's simple, I need you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is okay to be open. Basically I was willing to rp almost anything wether I was into it or not, I just loved and needed that stimulation.

    Thank you... You can do this.
    If you stayed this far to the end... or even read any of it... I sincerely want nothing but the best for you. I am not fully recovered but for the first time in my life I truthfully can say I believe I am going in the right direction. If even one thing I said you can relate to im happy to help you realize you aren't alone. If even one thing I said helped you step in the right direction I am so happy that I can help you on your recovery. Because even if you do not fully believe in yourself yet. You now have a new friend who believes in you and will never stop believing in you... :)



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