150 days, no longer a sissy!

Ok so I'm posting my message from the Success Stories forum:

I'm no longer addicted to sissy/trans/AGP porn. I've been going hardmode for 150 days and while I still get AGP-related thoughts, they have decreased in magnitude and frequency. And I can just move on with my life. The earlier porn use resulted in a gender identity crisis, which I now no longer deal with! I'm going to go into my "life story" of my sexuality here so that others can understand they can recover from this three-headed monster too:

Okay so when I was 14 I developed AGP and (I know it's gross) I would fap to my own body (which was feminine - I had gynecomastia). This continued for a little while but I stopped when I got access to a smartphone.

Okay, so now this part of my story is the traditional narrative where I escalated from vanilla porn (pictures of hot girls) to regular videos to lesbian videos to transwoman videos... and eventually to traps and sissy porn. I was around 17 when I was watching sissy porn, and that just took off. I've crossdressed but my main rush was from the sissy porn. (***Note I don't consider transwomen to be "transwomen", that is just the porn category that most know it by)

SO AS YOU CAN SEE, I had some sort of gender-bendy things going on before I watched porn. Some people didn't have that and just straight up escalated to sissy porn, so recovery is often a little easier.

But if you run the whole gambit like me, it's definitely hard because these "things" (the sissy, transwoman, traps, and crossdressing) all affirm this initial affinity (often prepubescent) for the opposite sex. And they can create the gender identity crisis that defined my later teen years.

So to resume, I was a little bit of a late bloomer and I got bigger and more manly after freshmen year (when I was 14 and 15), so that was another reason I wasn't fapping to my body anymore. But ironically, I started getting HOCD around 16 when I was watching transwoman porn. I would get anxious that I was attracted to other guys my age, especially those that were more manly and successful than me. This again added to my gender identity crisis...

Then sissy porn and traps came along (mostly on Reddit) and I was reading sissy captions like 2 hours a day. COVID of course made it worse! I tried to stay away from sissy videos because they were just so different (they would have a pretty girl then put a penis 2 seconds later) but I soon got into them too. I also want to say that ever since I had been looking at trans porn, I had read about transitions for transwomen and the bodily changes that I read (and saw) about due to hormones on Reddit gave me a large sexual rush. But my sissy porn phase just took things to a whole 'notha level. I was checking Reddit posts on r/asktransgender everyday about people in similar situations who were doubting their gender. That endless searching took me further along this path because many of the replies were from transgender people who argued that the poster should transition to the opposite sex.

The main thing that stopped me from doing this was that after nutting I felt little to no inclination to engage in the trans porn and content. I really started NoFap in January 2021 because I thought that if I isolated myself from the porn I could figure out my own identity by myself. And almost right away I noticed a difference in that I was feeling more comfortable in my own body. Like I was noticing that I could abide or even like certain things about being a man. Before my identity crisis, I had never thought of life in terms of "gender" or as a rivalry between the sexes. But my crisis resulted in me, at first, thinking that I was in a battle between my masculine and feminine side, and that because my sexual urges were "on" my feminine side, the best thing to do would be to become a woman. I can totally understand that many people could go through this line of thought. But as I started NoFap and engaging more in real life, I noticed that this wasn't reflected in worldly happenings. I mean sure there are social norms and stuff like that, but when you're just interacting with another person the gender stuff usually isn't very important.

And the other thing is that my experience engaging with this porn caused suicidal ideation and negative thoughts toward myself. Obviously the HOCD spiked and that was a contributing factor, but I knew there was a serious chance I was going along the wrong path. Some claim that transwomen and men are usually happier after having transitioned to the opposite sex. That is probably true for many but for those like me where the gender-bendy stuff is mostly sexual, I think that is not.

Anyways, I continued on my NoFap journey and during the highs I was feeling, well to put it frankly - "like a man." But after relapses, I just went down the rabbit hole of sissy porn and traps again, and I would be doubting myself more. Last October, I got a 32 day streak and that was - I've come to realize - because I had come back to brick-and-mortar school and was actually socializing. After that I had a very serious cross-dressing episode and I was putting multiple things up my butt. I mean the level of escalation I went through was serious. After my "episodes of pleasure," I kind of had a realization that I was just dilly-dallying and making my identity crisis worse, and the best thing for me to do would be to get on a long streak and see if maybe I could figure it out during that time. That's when I got on this current streak.

And like I said, over the course of the streak, my sissy thoughts decreased in magnitude and frequency. I was feeling like a man, but I wasn't completely certain at Day 90, so I continued onward to Day 150 (with a resolve to socialize more) and I definitely feel sure of my self now.

I am a heterosexual, masculine man. I went through all that crap and I was still able to come out a man! Well, in actuality I went from being a boy to a man. But of course it's not over yet, I need to become more sure of myself and who I am. I need to know myself so that I can be myself. Like at one point, I thought I was Eddie Murphy, but no, I'm not that funny.

But on a serious note, I definitely think you can recover from this addiction too. Perhaps, you can think of it as molding life to fit your needs, instead of molding to life's needs and pleasures.

 

Let me just clarify in my post above that I didn't really "just decide to go on a long streak" after my severe relapse last fall. It took time and concentration. I mean I've been attempting a NoFap lifestyle full-heartedly for 1.5 years! But if you're currently recovering, the tips and results of others on this website will enable you to recover quicker.