16-years-long addict, now freed

Hey, there.

My name is Tim. I was a porn addict since I was a 4th grader (I'm 25 years old), and I started masturbating and reach orgasm before I hit my puberty.

I remember when I reached my first orgasm, it was dry. Nothing came out of me. And I kept doing it for weeks, then I hit puberty. I was sure because I started to not shooting blanks anymore.

In a way that experience was funny. But not funny-funny. Rather, it was irony-funny. Because I haven't experienced wet dream for my entire life.

It's supposed to be natural and healthy, yet I never experienced it.

Then when I dated my first girlfriend I thought it would end my addiction. Not only I became addicted to sex (I kept asking her to sleep with me everyday), iI became even more addicted to PMO.

At first I did it once a day, after dating I started doing it twice or thrice a day.

I dated her for 4 years, and I felt a deep guilt. I think one of the main reasons she broke up with me was she knew I never felt deep satisfaction in our relationship.

Then I met this girl (now I'm dating her), she's the most caring person in the world. And I knew I need to tell her about this addiction, and I told her I wanted to stop.

And I remember exactly her reaction that stopped me forever:

She told me, "Then do it. You're a person. You get to decide what you want or not. You're in control of your decision."

That last sentence rang in my head, making me question all of my decisions.

I kept playing victim mentality since I was a 4th grader. I thought I was helpless. But I dared myself. Since if this is true, then I can stop anytime I want and be free.

And that's what I did.

I told myself everyday, "I'm in control of my decision, and I am a free man."

And I prayed to God to give me the strength I needed, because I knew I was weak. I never resisted this urge good enough, so I knew I needed an extra strength.

I know I relapsed once or twice along the way, but it's been 3 months since I decided that I'm a free man. But just like they said, the enemy of freedom is perfectionism.

Stop being so rough on yourself. Perfection is possible, but not right away. It takes strength, wisdom, and a lot of practice.

I don't want to count my days since it felt like I'm an "addict who's trying to stop", but rather "I'm a free man, forever." But I think I've been free for 2 months now and counting.

I'm constantly tempted to relapse. Oh I tell you it was hard. The more I want to be free, the sweeter the temptation tasted. I was bombarded by videos and experience I had daily. Even in the weirdest context, like when I was hugging my mom. And in the most vulnerable context, like when I was tired and lonely in my room at night. It was brutal.

But I know someone strong held my hands. He hold my hand so I don't have to hold my joystick.

That's my story. I hope to get to know you better and help you get a new grip on life. I want you to be free like me.

And today, I get to tell you: It is worth every drop of sweat.

So sweat away my brother! Fight as hard as you can.

If you are a believer, like me. Feel free to reach me out for a conversation. I'll be waiting in my inbox.

 

That is great brother! I'm glad my story resonates with you.

Yes, porn is a lie. They're trying to convince you that the woman in it cares about you, lusts after you.

But like all movies, it was scripted. Someone behind it wrote it to attract your attention (and money). Like all actors and actresses, they only read the script.

Don't let them deceive and manipulate you. Porn will never truly satisfy you.

I'm blessed that I've found my true source of happiness.

And it's worth more than the best video I've ever watched,
and better than the best fantasy I've ever had.
And more satisfying than all the pleasure I get from watching porn all these years.

I pray you get to find your true source of satisfaction. I don't know where you might find them—but I'm 100% sure, it's not in the porn industry.

 

I'm sure that I'm free because for the first time in my life, I felt disgusted.

Usually during my me-time (my word for porn-time), I like to open several tabs of videos—filtering which porn I like the most. Like I'm auditioning which actress whom might satisfy me the most.

When I don't feel entertained by this random girl, I closed the tab. And usually I ended up with top 3 girls that I like.

I opened my favourite video out of those girls. I watched the videos in order from my least favourite and wished that I could last the first two videos so I get to enjoy the best one. (But we all know it will never happen)

I loved my me-time like it was my religion. I even waited myself to reload the ammo so I could have one extra me-time for the day. At some point in my life, I used porn-time as a reward for doing stuffs I hate. And I was so angry when someone ruined my me-time.

Today I'm not fond of PMO that much. I even hate it like it was my worst ex (in a way it is)

Don't get me wrong. Everyday I still feel the urge to PMO during certain conditions that triggers my habit. It's part of the reboot process.

My memory has been filled with lots of lies and false promises of porn. I need to broke them one by one. It's the consequence of watching porn for too long.

But at least I know. Deep down, in my heart. I don't love porn anymore. I've broken up with it. I'm done with porn and all its lies.

It's ruining my head, dehumanizing my loved ones, and making my life dull.

And as for the second question:
Yes, I have. I know it because they're growing more desperate to get my attention. It means I'm winning. The harder it feels, the surer I am that I'm already free.