22 y/o male excited for positive change

Hi,

I am 22 years old and have been watching porn since I was as young as 10 years old. Over the past 12 years I have developed a severe addition to pornography. I believe that this addiction led to the decline and ultimate demise of my long-term relationship with a woman that should have been my wife. I will elaborate more on that later, but here is my story.

First of all, I would like to start by admitting that I have never wrote about or told anyone the full story I am writing today. Second, this story is relatively graphic and deals with sexual trauma at a young age. This has been an ongoing battle in my life, but I am finally ready to fight my addiction and become a man that I am proud to be.

When I was around the age of 6 or 7, my cousin (same age as me) began to coerce me into exploring each other’s bodies. He suggested that we take turns licking each other’s anus and putting each other’s penises in our mouths. At the time I had absolutely zero sexual desire or interest in anything sexual. I did not even know what sex was. When he made his initial proposition, I had a deep feeling that what he suggested was wrong and I refused to participate. However, he threatened to tell our parents that it was my idea if I refused to participate. At 6 or 7 years old, this was a terrifying threat and I felt as if I had no choice but to participate. After we were finished, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself but did not know why. I just simply knew what I did was wrong.

This pattern was then repeated nearly every time we saw each other. He would pressure me into performing homosexual acts with him by threatening to tell our parents. After several of these encounters, I finally stood up to him and ran to tell my parents what he wanted to do. I did not tell them about our past actions as I feared they would be extremely upset with me. He ended up getting in trouble and my parents praised me for resisting against his suggestions.

However, about the age of 8 or 9, I began to crave these sexual interactions even though I felt as if they were wrong. When I would see my cousin, he would suggest we perform sexual acts on one other, and I would oblige. I have no idea why I kept coming back to these actions as I do not remember them feeling good and neither one of us climaxed.

At 10 years old, I discovered pornography. I had mistyped a link into my family computer and landed on a pornographic website. From this point on, I was hooked. I would stay up late into the hours of the night on my iPod touch, viewing pornography. I was not masturbating at the time, but I was absolutely enthralled with it. It was something completely foreign to me and I had no idea what it was or why people made it. Within a few months, I stumbled across extreme BDSM porn, and it captured my attention greater than before. At this age, I could not comprehend what exactly I was viewing, but I could not take my eyes off it.

At 11 years old my cousin and I played a game of truth or dare, and I was dared to hump a pillow. This was the first time I remember receiving any pleasure from our sexual acts. After he left, I kept experimenting with pleasuring myself with pillows until I climaxed for the very first time.

My cousin and I continued sexual experimenting and our sexual acts got progressively more depraved as we got older. I always ended up being the submissive one in these acts. It eventually got to the point where I was letting him ejaculate in my mouth, urinate in my mouth, and even attempt to penetrate my anus.

Around 13, my cousin and I began to see each other less frequently, but I still craved the gratification I felt by pleasuring him sexually. At this time, I was viewing porn and masturbating daily, already developing an addiction. My desire to pleasure another person eventually led to me visiting pier to pier webcam websites such as Omegle in search of sexual encounters. Initially, I searched for women, but was very unsuccessful. In desperation, I resorted to attempting to pleasure men and found great success.

From the ages 13-15 I would perform many depraved acts for men on Omegle. I would penetrate myself with my fingers and makeshift dildos, all in attempt to pleasure another man. Every time I climaxed, I was absolutely disgusted with my actions and swore never to return to them again. While I was not watching homosexual pornography at the time and did not find men attractive, I still had the uncontrollable desire to pleasure another man in real life.

When I was 15, I discovered transgender porn which very quickly led me down the sissy hypno rabbit hole. This led me to engage in anal sex with my cousin at the age of 16. This was the last time I had a sexual encounter with my cousin, but I continued to watch sissy porn.

My addiction to sissy porn progressed in waves. I would watch sissy porn exclusively for several months and then only straight porn for several months. However, each one of these sissy porn waves increased in length while the straight porn waves decreased in length. When I was around 17, I was watching exclusively sissy pornography and was frequently seeking out men to pleasure over webcam.

I eventually mustered up the courage to perform oral sex on a man I met on grindr. I was absolutely disgusted by my actions as soon as I climaxed. I hated myself and the path that I was on. Despite all the remorse and disgust I felt, I returned to sissy porn only a couple weeks later.

A couple months after this sexual encounter, I got my first girlfriend. She was the most kind, patient, and sweet girl I had ever met. I was absolutely in love. I attempted to quit my sissy porn addiction and engage in normal sexual activity. I was successful for around 3 months, but then I fell back into my old habits.

Around a year into the relationship, when I was 18, we had sex for the first time. We started out with regular vanilla sex, but over the course of the next two years, I continually pushed our sex lives further away from normal. I was slowly working to turn her into my own dominatrix who would feminize me and engage in my sissy fetish. She would often not be interested in the kinks or ideas I suggested but went along with them to please me. My sexual behavior began to exert greater and greater tension on our relationship. Eventually, she would ask me to just have regular sex and I would get upset. This led to the decline of our sex life and further strain on our relationship. We would often have arguments over the frequency and content of sex. Throughout our entire relationship I was still indulging in my sissy urges. I was living a double life.

Close to our four-year anniversary, we separated due to compatibility issues primarily revolving around sex. I initially believed this was because I had a much greater sex drive than her, but I now realize this is simply untrue. When we separated, I dove deep down the sissy rabbit hole. Eventually meeting up with another guy on grindr to perform oral sex about 2 months after we broke up. This was my breaking point.

I finally realized that I needed a REAL change in my life. I deleted all my porn and all my accounts that I used for porn (reddit, discord, etc.). I came to the realization that my sex and porn addiction is what ended my relationship. Had I not had this addiction, I would likely still be with my ex-girlfriend.

I decided to start truly improving myself at the start of this November. I cut off a female friend with benefits I had (FWB began after the breakup), have not watched porn, and have not masturbated up until this point. I have started going to the gym 4 times a week and even booked a therapy appointment to work through my issues. I am only on day six of this journey, but am excited for the life that lies ahead of me. At the same time, I am terrified that I will relapse into my old habits as I still have the same urges.

If you made it this far, I am genuinely surprised you read this entire novel. I would really appreciate your words of encouragement and advice and I continue this journey.

 

Thanks for the reply. I’d love to talk to you more about this, but I’m new to this website and don’t know how to send a personal message.

 

Sounds good. Well I’m not sure exactly what all the slang terms like “reboot” mean. But I’m planning to abstain from porn, masturbation, sex, and any sort of orgasm for the month of November. However, I plan to abstain from porn and masturbation past November. I am not sure if that is classified as a reboot or not.

 

I read through the articles and found them very informative. I’m just curious to find out which fetishes I have are innate and which are porn induced. I suppose what I need most right now is support and encouragement.

 

Thank you for the encouragement and advice. My goal is to make it to 90 days without PMO. After that, I see no reason to go back to porn. I’d like to stop watching it for good.

 

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. It’s very frustrating how much porn has required my brain to be aroused by such unnatural things. It’s very difficult at the moment because it feels like I have a voice in the back of my head telling me to “go be a sissy whore and be nothing more that a toy for men”. It’s hard because that voice tells me that I really want those things. But I know that lifestyle will not lead me to a successful life in the future.