28yo doctor, ex-mil, diagnosis PTSD. Sex addiction ruined my life.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Osmaweld4abs, Dec 1, 2019.

  1. Osmaweld4abs

    Osmaweld4abs Fapstronaut

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    Hello ex-wankers,

    As the title says I’m a medical doctor in the UK formerly of the British military.

    A wee bit of background for you. Recently, I was forced to take some time off of work due to poor mental health and a failed suicide attempt. I got in into psychotherapy and from working with a therapist over the last few months we’ve figured out that my impulsive, manipulative, cruel behaviours (often related to sex and masturbation) are related to a personality disorder.

    We’ve also managed to puzzle out that during my time in the military I used pornography and masturbation as a crutch/coping mechanism for what was going on around me (including some pretty nasty things), which embedded a pattern of behaviours that I never realised were a problem let alone managed to shake even after returning home and leaving the military.

    In any case I developed PTSD, which worsened the ‘bad’ or unhealthy behaviours and created a ‘vicious cycle’ of bad feeling/flashback/anger > sex/prostitute/porn > good feeling > and a positive reinforcement loop. It’s worth noting I started experimenting with sexual behaviours with a local girl around 8, and have been using porn since around 10/11. Therefore, sexual behaviours have been a fixture of my life for far longer than not by now. The fallback has always been some form of sexual behaviour culminating in orgasm.

    My therapist and I have put together a plan for recovery and it starts with going ‘Hard Mode’ on sex and PMO. I’m hoping to save my mind and mental health, as well as my relationship and become a better father.

    I’ll aim to keep a daily log, for myself as much as anyone else. And no, I won’t look at your rash.

    Kindest regards,

    Dr Osmaweld4abs
     
  2. DeepSeaDiver

    DeepSeaDiver Fapstronaut

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    Good for you for putting a voice and explanation to your experience. Porn and these behaviors are usually masking something behind them that you aren’t dealing with. Glad you have started to identify that.
    Hard mode is likely best to restart the life you want to lead.
     
    LoooL, rafael33 and Osmaweld4abs like this.
  3. Osmaweld4abs

    Osmaweld4abs Fapstronaut

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    Hi DeepSeaDiver,

    Thank you very much for your kind words. You’re absolutely right. Everyone has some kind of trauma in their life, and it’s easy to do what feels good (or even what makes you feel less crap) now with no regard for the future [you].

    I agree regarding Hard Mode. It’s a huge problem for me and it took a nearly successful suicide attempt to give me that kick up the backside needed to seek help and get better.

    What’s your story?
     
  4. DeepSeaDiver

    DeepSeaDiver Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear about your journey with this @Osmaweld4abs. I started with NoFap about 2 years ago, tried to get going and couldn’t. Started again early this year and have been working with it ever since. Right now I am on Day 18, the longest streak I’ve had since starting.

    you can read some previous posts of mine, but I started watching porn in college and it steadily built up to an addiction. As to why it started—a whole range of things—- loneliness, low self esteem, few friends, was bullied as a kid. But it continued for a range of reasons. Now I look at it as a crutch that I used to distract myself from dealing with my real issues. The problematic side of porn addiction has worsened over the last few years which has lead me to believe that I can’t continue this path and be happy and have a satisfying life. Trying to fix this and move past it. I wish you the best and I am here if you want to talk more.
     
  5. Osmaweld4abs

    Osmaweld4abs Fapstronaut

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    Good on you for getting to 18 days my brother! I’ve never made it even a quarter that far.

    I can totally empathise with the loneliness and having few friends - I have literally zero right now (not exaggerating). It’s very very easy to slip into bad habits when you’ve no one around you. The brain craves contact and PMO gives that false sense of human contact. We’re social creatures, evolution never prepared us for the modern age. I’d suggest finding somewhere you can socialise but it’d be hypocritical of me to do so.

    What do you think the crux/core of your issues is down to or related to?

    Dr O
     
  6. DeepSeaDiver

    DeepSeaDiver Fapstronaut

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    Today is day 19.
    I agree with what you said above. We are social beings, and porn gives us an outlet on that mimics the contact that we’d like to have otherwise.
    I think it’s good to go out in the world and just be around people. Walk in the park, get out to the grocery, coffee shop, whatever it is. We all need friends as well. Social
    Media can provide some support but nothing beats meeting up face to face and interacting.

    what’s the crux/core for me? Good question. I wish I knew what it was now so I could address it better. It’s probably loneliness, not having many friends, and that I have substituted porn for friendships most of my adult life. Not to say I haven’t had/have friends, but I think porn is a distraction from the loneliness. It’s always there, always available.

    how is your week going? How are you feeling?
     
  7. Osmaweld4abs

    Osmaweld4abs Fapstronaut

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    You’re doing very well mate, good on you. Do you think perhaps your loneliness stems from earlier in your life? Did you have parents away a lot, or are you from an impoverished background?

    I’m doing alright thanks, still not given in which is nice. I feel like a rabid animal wanting to sleep with every woman I see but hopefully it’ll pass.
     
  8. Osmaweld4abs

    Osmaweld4abs Fapstronaut

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    Update. Still no PMO, and a concerning lack of erections.

    Officially separated from my wife. Moving out after Christmas. Ah well.
     
  9. Osmaweld4abs

    Osmaweld4abs Fapstronaut

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    Painful balls, overwhelming urge to ejaculate, just to alleviate the pressure in my nuts.

    Got a date and movie night in with a gorgeous woman tomorrow, because I’m a fucking champ. I’m going to fuck her five times to make up for every lost load this past week.
     
  10. DeepSeaDiver

    DeepSeaDiver Fapstronaut

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    I am not sure what caused this as an adult. I didn’t grow up poor. My parents were around, were married then and still are. I think if it was anything about my childhood,it would be I didn’t have many friends and friendships. I used porn as a substitute as an adult. Though I have friends now.
    Sorry to hear about your marriage. Be careful about meeting women for dating or sex too soon before getting some healing around this issue. You can replace one compulsion with another.
     

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