I am in the exact same spot. And this will drive us both to think what does it even matter and retreat back into it for relief. Internalizing things only hurts. Put it out there. What is there to lose? My marriage is over now and I’ve regressed. Do this for yourself, not her or the marriage. You have a right to defend yourself on your road to recovery. She needs to understand that her actions are only serving to hinder recovery. It’s hard for her, I understand, but love means helping each other, not hindering.
I am doing it for myself and you're 100% right, it's like the addiction is calling back saying, "Hey dude, I got yer back... come back to me." Specifically in times like this, I'm doing REALLY well this time and I don't want to ruin that. I feel like this addiction existed before her and she takes it personally (appearance of stars vs her, etc)... I try and say it's not about her. That if this were any other addiction that pre-dated our relationship she'd look at it differently. I guess I'm just having a hard time with the comments that immediately put me on eggshells. I don't remember if I mentioned it before but she's put up cameras, hidden, as well and I had a huge problem with that for various reasons... I'm afraid the relationship is already on the ropes, we have 2 kids together and 1 kid each from past relationships. Nearly 8 years in now and I'm terrified of what's going to happen on the day to day.
Empathize with where’s she’s coming from. Ask her to be more direct and gentle. But also know this is hard for both of you.
Yeah, the cameras seem overboard ( and illegal) But it tells me she feels so unsure, so insecure, that she must have proof. I would never do that, but I do understand the gut feeling that never leaves when your spouse lies straight to your face or gaslights you. It makes you think you are going crazy. I cannot adequately describe what it does emotionally, physically, and mentally but it completely changes you as a person. Much like addiction changes the addict, betrayal trauma changes the spouse. She needs a support group the same way you do for addiction.
It's been a few days since my last update. Still on a streak but it hasn't been easy. Things between the spouse are just feeling distant, for the most part. There are glimmers of life still but it feels fleeting. Constant feeling of eggshells and still feel some accusatory undertones in a few things but again, to be expected. I almost caved but instead I went the opposite way and actually started to give control over the network devices to her, removing me in the process. I'm not sure what all she's done with them, logging enabled or not. OpenDNS setup everywhere and on everything. I've also started running again and that helps a bit. Gives me a focus, since i'm feeling pretty old and have 4 young kids it's like a win/win/win/win etc. There are times when I feel like she wants it to be over but is too scared to do it. Not sure how or if to even broach that topic. The whole reason I'm here and doing this, or more specifically NOT doing this... is for her, to show her i'm serious and love her. Although this really, at the end of the day, is for me. It affects others and I have to be aware of that. I'm just in this limbo state and not even sure how to proceed. I'm just trying to focus on me. We slept in the same bed last night for the first time in a few days. Maybe she just forgot to be mad at me, I dunno. I'm just really feeling down lately.
Try not to pay attention to what the future holds. Live for today and staying away from PMO today. The choice you make in these 24 hours today will have more impact on your future than the worries you keep replaying in your mind.
Nearly at the 30 day mark since the decision. Last night was pretty crappy though. I couldn't sleep. Was watching youtube on our tv, she was downstairs with the kids. I have restless leg syndrome and literally could not sleep. While youtube was playing I was laying in bed scrolling through old photos on my phone. Photos of us, the kids, activities etc. It's about 3am or so and she comes upstairs, I believe, it was to just see if I was up to no good, no other reason to come up there I guess. She saw me laying in bed, she stood at the door, "What are you doing". I tell her, and it's met with immediate "I feel like you're doing something..." My immediate reaction was probably not very tactful but, I was, in fact, not doing anything wrong. I simply do not know how to respond to these things because I'm always "defensive." I feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind here.
