Hi, first and foremost: thank you for your support. The whole journey hasnt been easy but when times get hard i know that i can find here advice even as a co-reader. But this time there are problems that i cant solve on my own just by googeling in forums. This might be a secret that i have been hiding from my self for a long time and now i feel them fort he very first time. Some Facts: i started fapping in 6th grade to a porn scene from a buddy. From there on it increased to like 1-7 or 8 times a fap per day until i was 20 Unconscious i started with nofap at age 20/21 just for two weeks right before i had my first relationship. We fell in love but i couldn’t resist the urges and i still fapped. I never felt in the position to take action to defend myself in the relationship because i was so easy to manipulate so i gave up and broke up the relationship because i didn’t want to get hurt anymore (there were things that made me angry) so i threw it all away by breaking up. I justified it with: there are other girls that are hotter, they got bigger tits and fat asses, Pornstar stunners that are waiting for you just to fuck them. Holy moly what a bunch of disillusionised thoughts. far from reality At 22 or 23 i started my first streak for 76 days or something. Then i wanted to test my libido by watching a porno, i was such a noob. After the relapse i binged. At The all time highs I had 5 faps per day. Few months later i had a streak of 4 months and again i binged. Pretty hard... Now with 24 i have the longest streak until today: 6 Months. Man I’m proud oft that. But.. yeah there is something that bothers me all the time. I dont have the feeling that i can get happy anymore. Not in this reality that im living in. It is so hard to change to be a better man. No motivation, no enthusiasm, no concentration. There are perfectionistic goals nevertheless they often get jettisoned. Willpower leaves my mind and i feel weak. There is no line to follow and i victimize myself especially when i am alone. I do take drugs and i often see me as a nice guy that just doesnt get what he wants. I see a lot of problems but i dont want to give up. i love this life with all its opportunities I want to know if someone has been in a situation like this. Maybe even somebody who has been to a psychoherapie because i think this is something that could help on that journey and i dont mean nofap in generall. I’m thankfull that nofap helped me out of this numb feeling but there are times i can’t handle this struggle like after a party when i wanted a girl and wasnt able to talk to her to get what i want, then there is this feeling of weakness Thank you for your time (Im posting this to reddit and here just to reach a lot of people, i’m serious about this) Prettym. PS: For the files: 01.07.17 i started the streak after ~75 days i had sex and ejaculated and i felt pretty bad now i am jelqing in addition to half naked models on youtube to some electric music. I am not sure if this is the definition of edging but i am using my fantasy to get a pretty hard cock and im fapping right before i feel to jerk off. i guess this is counterproductive does this harm the process of rebooting or is there a way to connect nofap with jelqing ( i know this sounds totally irratonal)
With this reality i relate to my life. Im depressed so i dont clean my apartment like i am supposed to do, a fucking lot of procastination. there are so many things i would want to change but i cant. im putting limiting beliefs on myself. I know that i am able to overcome myself but not on my own (except when it comes to sports but even there i loose motivation) I would call myself a polytoxicated kid: amphetamine, xtc, coke, ketamin, weed, alcohol
