73 Days(Ups and Downs)

The headaches have definitely gone away. I think all the covered emotions from any childhood issues/emotional trauma are finally coming out.Which is a good thing since that's what needs to be recognized so I can heal and become an even better person. I grew up with a conservative mom, and as a child you believe everything they tell you. She always told me "we don't kiss". Meaning our culture does not believe in that. I was probably 5-6 when I heard that. I remember i told her i liked this girl when i was 10 and she yelled at me and told me that it was wrong. So i never fully went for girls and started masturbating at 14 as a replacement for hooking up.

fast forward to age 21.
I recently found out that a girl I used to have a thing with is seeing another guy. That hit me pretty hard, we never technically dated but spent a lot of time together for a couple months, sleep overs, fooling around, sharing insecurities..etc. I was always afraid to get intimate with girls but last year I really pushed myself with this girl. Let's call her Z. I masturbated probably 2-4 times a day, while having a thing with Z. At the time I KNEW masturbating too much was not good for me and that it hurt my self esteem. But i didn't have enough motivation to stop it. I figured me masturbating would just improve how long i lasted during sex. But it actually just decreased my confidence and increased my anxiety in bed. I never actually had sex with her, there were countless Opps but either I didn't take them, or stopped at the beginning of kissing. I've done everything but sex with other girls but with this one I had to be mildly intoxicated to make a move. It also made it hard for me to make a move cause she said she wanted to take things slow. Turns out girls are hard to read and they're more about in the moment action.

Looking back there were a few times where we would be cuddling and she would turn around and start kissing me. At the time i was too in my head so i pulled away after a few seconds. The voice in my head was too strong, saying things like " you're a bad kisser, you'll screw up". She was totally understanding of my hesitation. But I realized that even though her compassion was good, it didn't actually motivate me to become more confident and clear headed, it just kept me in my comfort zone. I rarely went to the gym during that time, i'm 6 foot 1 about 150 lbs good looking guy. Eventually Z ended things with me. She told me i was too nervous, paranoid, and unsure. Which was 100% true. I wasn't sure if i wanted a relationship and neither was she. She told me she felt platonic towards me. She told me i deserved better. I realized my overthinking and masturbating finally ruined something that had a lot of potential. I was sad, but it was the ANGER inside that motivated me to start this in journey. I KNEW I DESERVED sex and a relationship. But deep down i didn't believe it. I knew my thoughts and habits had lead me to my current situation, so i had to change them in order to reach better outcomes.

So about 3 weeks later on 12/30/16 i started my nofap journey! It was hard at first, with the headaches. I've had a few nofap streaks before mostly 3-4 days, then rewarding myself with masturbation. So this new streak is for real! I decided to focus more on myself and less on Z(what she was up to, if she was talking to other guys..etc). Spring semester had just started and i just turned 21 so i found myself staying busy with school and going out. My roommate and I decided to go to the gym 3 times a week(which we have stuck to for the most part).Doing Nofap can give you flu like symptoms which i got on two separate occasions, leading me to skip two days of the gym. I started drinking less, i still drink of course, come on now i'm only 21 once haha. But last semester if i had any opportunity to drink i would take it. Even if it was just me drinking a bit in my room. I've found i have more self-control now. Since January I've had a 12 pack of blue moon in my room and only drank two beers from it. Last year if there was any alc in my room it would most likely be finished within a week. When i go out i stay away from sugary drinks, stick to beer or vodka sodas/cranberries. I drink a smoothie everyday, and mediate every day as well. The app headspace is pretty good. I'm still learning more about meditating. It's a slow process especially if you're like me and overthink a lot. I've started giving myself more compassion for when I do something wrong or saying something that makes me seem weak. I'm working on loving myself. It's the only way to succeed in life! Girls like guys who love themselves!

For example, with Z, she told me to move on and that she was seeing someone else and some other stuff which hurt me. But later I told her that she can't regularly as me to hangout and stuff without me thinking she likes me.

Still hurt about her seeing someone else, mostly it's just visualizations in my head of them together. So any tips you have on coping with someone you liked seeing a new guy would be greatly appreciated.

On the good side, I got a girl' number from this concert i went to! Kissed two cute girls at the same party. Also invited a girl over to hangout(couldn't close cause of nerves) but i talked to her friend and he said she would've blown me. So hey, she was into me

This journey is definitely tough but 100% worth it!! I'll put it this way, last semester I masturbated 2-4 times a day, rarely worked out, drank a lot, had a bad diet, AND I STILL had a thing with an attractive girl. Can you imagine what I'm capable of when I continue to not masturbate, workout, eat healthy, and meditate??!

Feel free to message me if you need any tips or advice!! I'm here for all you. Best of luck, you all can do this.

 

Thanks, currently on day 73!

 

Thanks, currently on day 73!