A journey to save my marriage

Yes I’m trying to stay focused the best I can. And yes I do have pictures of them saved to the screen of my phone. I need to get some I can hang in the cab. I am just trying to take every step and measure available to me.

 

My wife wanted to basically put a pin in everything because it all feels so heavy. So we agreed to just have a normal like nothing is going wrong. We actually talked on the phone for over an hour on two separate occasions which was really nice for both of us. It has been too long since we just talked about whatever. I was even able to set up my phone on the dash so I could FaceTime her and she could “ride” with me as I entered and drove through NYC. It was a fun experience for the both of us. I know there’s a lot to go through yet but days like this one give me hope that things can be repaired. My emotions are still changing wildly depending on what’s going on and hers are too. But still, it was a more positive day for us.

 

Yeah it’s awful. I’m on antidepressants and it’s like they get thrown out the window if she gets upset with me or isn’t sure about repairing things. Not that I blame her feeling the things she’s feeling. It just sucks I guess.

 

I think it’s encouraging too I just don’t want to get ahead of myself. And I appreciate it, thank you.

 

I have officially made it two weeks on my first ever reboot and it feels good to say that. But I don’t want to bring it up to my wife because I feel like it’s just another reminder of the mess we’re in right now. I feel pretty worthless because of that fact. I don’t particularly like myself right now either. I picked up extra cash from moving a load to another yard for a customer and wanted to use it to take my wife on a nice date for Valentine’s Day weekend but her response was to put it towards bills. Which is the right thing to do I know but I just wanted to do something special that could help the relationship. I hate being gone as long as I am. It’s taking too much of a toll on both of us. I need to find a way to be home more often but right now I don’t know how to do that and still make what we need.

 

Thank you all for the input. I think I’ll try to find something I can put together while I’m still out this coming weekend and make it for my wife and daughter.

 

I finally found a therapist for myself that’s willing to take my insurance. I start with him next week. I’ve been able to make my wife laugh over the phone a few times and it’s just an amazing sound. She’s also FaceTimed me a few times since last weekend so my daughter can see me. I’ve been able to get in on the family time. I think my wife ultimately wants things to work out. But I know I have a lot of work to do first and I’m not going to count my chickens before they’ve hatched.

 

Felt positive this morning and feel terribly depressed tonight. My wife realized she was anxious for me to come home during her therapy session today. But anxious in a bad way. She got upset on the phone with me and started talking about separating and what happens with the living situation if we divorce. I couldn’t handle it. I almost had a panic attack. She hung up and then called me back maybe 15 minutes later saying she loved me and she just wants me home so we can figure this out and move on. But I don’t go home for another week. I’m making the money we need to live and work on our debt finally but I’m also gone 3 weeks at a time. It’s brutal. I want to cut back on time out but we’re both worried I won’t make enough then. It sucks.

 

I will look into that. Thank you for the perspective.

 

I plan on getting the first one at the bookstore when I get home next week. I want to understand. I want to be able to help her. This stuff is certainly messy. I know this is going to be a long process and even if I want things to be fixed right away, that’s not how it works and I need to have patience and consistency.

 

Is there any specific steps I need to take to help her through this? Besides the obvious of not relapsing and lying. We’re doing couples counseling and she has her own therapist. I suggested the partners support group on here to her but she wasn’t receptive when I first brought it up.