A journey to save my marriage

yes
look into the books suggested. incase psalm hasn't mentioned it already, Helping her Heal is a keystone in that department.

much of the tools you will need, especially in the beginning, will be fortifying your ability to stay calm and yet present when she verbally lashes out. it sounds like this is very difficult for you and maybe you should ask therapist to help you undertake healing some codependency issues. recovery is going to be much less of a rollercoaster once you can learn to protect your inner child from seeking its safety anywhere outside of YOU.

you are the inner parent, only you or your higher power can meet the needs of your emotional inner child. Re-parenting is essentially what any recovery is at the core. addictions are self punishing, self-abuse, or mishandled anger which is how our inner teenager handles the needs of the inner child -- by mistreating it and telling them their feelings aint shit. this terrible self treatment is not acceptable to a healthy parent, and developing that inner parent willo secure your inner kid, protect him from the angst driven destructiveness that inner teen wants to act out with no regard for the family you work so hard to support.

heres is the reality.....before worrying about repairing your beloved external family and marriage, you must first and foremost cease the dysfunction, abuse, and betrayal that you have going on in your internal family. most of us picked up these patterns in early life, and its so ingrained we can't even see it a lot of the time. a great book explaining how to start this incredibly important work is The Inner Child Workbook: the past just won't go away.

in the meantime, practice self care by imagining you literally have a little 5 year old boy that perhaps looks like you when you were five, and everywhere you go, he goes. everything you do or say to yourself, he is also receiving. when you are angry, do you push it down and try to tell yourself your anger is inexcusable? would you tell that to a 5 year old child if he was angry about something? do you eat crap junk food when you have healthier options? would you put that crap on a child's plate and call it dinner or expect him to thrive and grow on such a diet? seriously, take this and run with it very literally. its amazing the kind of caring relationship that we never had with our selves can do to heal the soul. does your kid like legos? the zoo? what can you do to spend time with your inner child on your next work tour. ask him if he could pick one thing to do on one of your free hours what it might be. or next time you go to the truck stop let him pick out a toy or souvenir to remind you to think of his needs every single day. you are his protector and no one else can truly be there for your in-kid but you and the vast wonderous unfathomable omnipotent universe-god-one-all.

sending healing vibes your way. love and patience, you are a great human being with a great opportunity to be even more awesome through this trial and purge-healing-transformation.

 

p.s. i agree that you need to eventually shift some priorities so that you are not having so much work in a week. Its not impossible, so make a commitment to find a way. perhaps the wife and you need to sit down and decide how to rebudget so you can seek a position with fewer hours. she might have to make some sacrafices too. youd be surprised how much better life can be with less luxury if there is health and connectedness prioritized above material security (living space, entertainments)


the modern perks and lifestyle upgrades of a decent income aren't worth missing out on togetherness and proper rest, plus im sure sitting in a drivers seat for 80+ hours a week is fricken awful on your energy centers and overall physical health. our lymphatic system runs on musculature in motion. waste/toxins from the body might be backing up which can cause emotional imbalance. antidepressants wont help this in the long run. ......could be simple as needing more full range motion of your body. pent up energy collecting and overspilling in the 2nd chakra can result in all the behaviors you mentioned started all this. please consider that western docs and psychs often overlook the basic most essential needs that we as energy beings in physical bodies need to live wholesomely. sunlight, clean water, fresh foods, proper movement of muscles and lymphatic vessels, proper rest and emotional safety and connectedness. amazing how budget friendly these basics can be.

best wishes.

 

You can learn as much as possible about betrayal trauma. Hopefully her therapist is a CSAT. Otherwise listen for any talk about putting any blame on her or codependency talk - she did not cause this. There may have been issues in your relationship, but the choice to act out was yours. A therapist who does not understand betrayal trauma can be very damaging. Also can make sure that you have disclosed everything. If you think that you have not, you might want to consider a formal, therapist led disclosure. This would help you avoid starting over again and again. She should also be encouraged to form boundaries for your relationship. It will help avoid further pain and spell out from here and now what is not ok in the relationship.

She might like some of the following resources. They are all focused on betrayal trauma and unlike this community, she would only be surrounded by those dealing with what she is. It can be very triggering on here, I tend to only come on here when I am trying to work something out and want the worst case scenario first before talking to my husband. Otherwise it can be very damaging to not only read what PAs are doing but also seeing some of the warped addict/porn shaped advice they give about relationships.

https://partnerhope.com/blog/
This is a really good blog run by therapists. Helps explain a lot at the different phases.

https://www.hopeandhealingsupport.com/
This is a community for women only and most of them are married. It is a Mormon community, however they are very welcoming of women of other faiths (I am not mormon and adore it). It is so kind and respectful there. Truly lovely women. And completely free.

https://bloomforwomen.com/
While there is a paid area, there are a lot of free courses and blog posts.

If she wants a good book, or if you really want to learn deeply about betrayal trauma she could read "Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal" by Dr. Kevin Skinnner (he does bloom, addo and covenant eyes). He also has one that is directed at the addict called "Treating Pornography Addiction" which I have found a very interesting read.

 

Great advice and suggestions from Ceramello and Used19. Thanks you two for the resource tips. Will look into them for my my broken relationship (caused by me) and for my spouse also. Glad to see you're still meeting your goals Wayne. Hang in there and be careful on the road.

 

Really hope they help. One thing I've noticed my husband also really focusing on (especially since for him he is very good at white knuckling) is recognizing how *his* emotional issues (that is not sharing himself with me, not being vulnerable, not allowing me to care for him, not feeling emotions and dealing with them in our partnership) created the problems between us that he then used as excuses that acting out was the only way to deal with how shitty he felt. It's been very critical to me even giving this a shot for him to be opening his eyes to the dynamic he created. It's very hard to be in a marriage where one spouse wants intimacy on all levels but gets shut out, and then the other just wants physical contact but is not willing to be vulnerable for the rest.

 

You pinpointed what's going on between us too. Don't know why we (guys) close off. I want to be emotionally present and intimate, but it sure goes against all my nature and really have to fight hard to try to be vulnerable and open.

 

I don't know why he did either other than his family messed him up. I thought he was opening up because it seemed like we talked about everything. But somehow he got it in his mind that being a good boyfriend, fiancee and then especially husband meant being strong and making everything easier for me. He thought by not sharing his hard feelings, his stress that he was protecting me from more burden as I was already stressed by people hurting me. He thought good husbands do as many chores and jobs as possible and that was the most successful aspect of proving love. What he couldn't see then is that he was robbing me of my agency to care for him, to be his safe place and to care for him. To know him deeper than anyone else. He didn't have good examples of what it meant to really love your wife. He didn't understand that hiding himself and his worries would cause him to become so stressed that he would need other ways to cope, that they would be bad ways and that it would then cause him to mistreat me (the irritability, not realizing that being unfaithful with porn meant he had to push me away, keep me distant, have secrets). His family really screwed him up expecting him to be perfect and happy. He had to hide any other feelings he had thanks to a jerk of a father.

It's been a learning experience for both of us now. He has feelings beyond anger and happiness now and it's weird. I don't know how I didn't realize how absent the other emotions had become but they were. I got so used to asking what was wrong and nothing was wrong. And I couldn't understand why he was so tense with me. Now he's coming to me when he's upset about anything and everything. It is terrifying because I have no idea what he needs me to do because he robbed me of learning what to do 20 years ago. So it's all new and is going to take some time. But the good thing for us is that now that he is telling me everything, especially when he is upset, he says that feeling of needing a release to make all those pent up bad feelings go away even for just a second is gone. I know it's going to take more work to make sure it can't slip back in, to undo old reaction sequences. But identifying the emotional dynamics leading to the distance he created between us has been good for us.

 

Wow, you guys have really worked through a very hard issue. Congrats on where you've gotten thus far and the connection as a couple. Just at the beginning of that journey for us. Didn't have a jerk for a father (or mother), but not a household where emotions were out there much or talked about. Anger was known, never any abuse or even much yelling, but you knew when Dad had enough or was pissed. Weren't any "I love you's" spoken; just all presumed and inferred. But I can relate to what you describe as "being strong" and placing everything behind a wall. I've become very good at that. Also had a job/career that always had to be professional, not show what I was really thinking, suck it up for the team, know where all the skeletons in the organization are but keep everything confidential, etc. So I was probably a natural for that position and just carried it on home to my wife and kids.
I appreciate reading your perspective and those resource links you provided. Ordered a couple books that were mentioned in the thread. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

Glad to hear things are going well. My copy of that book just came in the mail yesterday along with Help Her Heal: An Empathy Workbook for Sex Addicts to Help Their Partners Heal. That looks like a good step-by-step guide on how to help her and heal us. Have a great weekend.

 

This is not advice, but some more ideas or tools you might find useful.

Stoicism (read Epictetus' Discourses) has helped me during intense emotional times, such as:

• Focusing my judgements (of what is good/bad) only on the things that I have direct control over, to remain virtuous. This means my finances, job I choose, where I go/when, what I say, my sexual activities, etc. Do not judge anything that "fate" has in store for me, of things I don't have control over, including other people's opinion of me, my economic status, a car breaking down, the PAST (including my past decisions/actions), etc.

I'm not a "true" Stoic 24/7. But I keep this stuff in mind whenever I have to discuss difficult topics truthfully, including my frustrations in marriage a long time ago. I can't control what my unconscious mind desires, but I can decide how I act upon them. I only have a bit of control of my feelings, but I can certainly control when/how to communicate them.

Financially, I love youneedabudget.com to track finances and save for large and/or unexpected expenses. I know exactly what I can/can't afford, particularly if I want to splurge on something.

 

Glad you've had some time to spend at home with her. I think it's a good conversation to have with her if you're thinking it may be PAWS. Even if it is not, it shows that you are willing to share your fears and concerns with her and be open, and include her in what's going on in your head. Stay safe on the road and hopefully you can get more time at home.

 

Here's my advice. Get yourself together before you throw everything away like my ex did. This is real. Wake up and stop making excuses like you couldn't help it.

 

You "weren't in the drivers seat" and "watching yourself through a window?" You ARE in the drivers seat. You ARE the one who tried to pay her. You ARE the one who contacted her. You are the one who chose to do this. Take responsibility.