A New Journey...

Hi, it's Sparkz. I've been a member of this site for a while, but largely inactive recently, as I've just been living my life.
I came to the conclusion that all my anxieties and addictions were just a way of avoiding life.
The last one for me, now, is caffeine. I still struggle with that. I'll manage a few days without, then I'll be tired or something one day and then relapse into drinking it again for a while, until I get fed up again and quit.
I enjoy caffeine more than anything. That's how I know it's an addiction. Literally anything is better with a cup of tea or coffee by my side.
I don't think I should feel this way - there should be several things more enjoyable in life than caffeine!
And caffeine gives me anxiety, and makes my thoughts less clear in the long run. It's only for a short while that it's good.
I'm going through withdrawal now - I could kill for a cup of tea. Anyway, I'm not avoiding anything right now - I just thought it would be good for me not to be dependant on caffeine. I wasn't as a teen - it's just as an adult I've developed this tendency, just through habit and wanting to be seen as a 'grown up' by drinking tea instead of pop all the time.
But, as we all know, there are some aspects of adult life that are less desirable.
Anyway, I'm starting a new journey, a new phase of my life. I'm come a long way since a few years ago when I joined up to this site, a budding Christian, keen to give up the deathly habit of masturbation.
I would no longer refer to myself as a Christian, and masturbation isn't really an issue for me now. I only M to relieve sexual tension, and I would say this happens about once a month now. Importantly, I'm not using M to avoid anything, as I think I was in the past.
I've just made myself a cup of tea to cope with the withdrawal headache. I know, I've given in. I don't want to be addicted to anything. And I won't be. I'm just trying to made this easier for myself, as I'm pretty miserable today.
This is literally getting me nowhere - divert your attention - focus on something else.
And I'm ashamed of this inward struggle
Is t possible to not be addicted to anything? Not even a little bit?
What to do?
Why a new phase? Well, I'm embarking upon a new career in mental health. I'm doing some volunteering in this field and I think I will train to become a counsellor. I want to make a living following a vocation, a passion, and this is what I would like to do.
It's also important for me to have a creative outlet, and if I can do this as well that would be great. Community is important for me too. I'm coming to the end of a group therapy course I'm doing, and without that support I may struggle a bit, so I'm going to start posting on here again so that I'm still putting myself out there, in a fashion.
My volunteering hasn't actually begun yet, and it's always important for me to have an outlet, I've learned. I don't do so well keeping everything to myself.
A bit of context about me: I'm female, mid-thirties, I live in the UK. I feel like I am silly. I'm being silly, and I'm weak.
I wish I was a person that could hold everything inside, and be more self-sufficient, like my parents. But then they screwed me up a bit with the stuff they said to me, growing up.
I was always given the impression that I am too sensitive. Maybe I am. My ex said I process everything very deeply, I think about everything. But I think it's just how I am.

 

My goals for this summer are:

- To find a new place to live
- To settle on a new career path by autumn, and begin training
- To sort out my finincial situation, i.e, earn £300 extra each month

Also, I'm learning French, working on a creative project, and soon should be volunteering.
I have indeed been struggling these past few weeks, now my group therapy is over. Work is stressful, and I'm comfortable at home but I can't stay in the same area, nor do I want to. The one good thing is I've done the first draft of my creative project.
Social life is zilch. I've been thinking of having counselling just so I can speak my thoughts out loud to someone else. I've been journalling, which helps. Been thinking of getting back in touch with two old friends but not sure - it's been a while. Just don't feel motivated to go to MeetUps. I don't think I will meet anyone interesting from this area, which I know is an awful thing to say but probably true. Also, I don't see many that grab me.
Also, I keep forgetting things. I started this thread weeks ago but then forgot to keep posting. I've got a lot on I guess. Also it's probably my age (I'm 35 - not too soon for memory to get a bit worn around the edges, I guess). I don't want this to happen though. What could I do? I'm planning to live to 110 so need to keep hold of my marbles for as long as possible.

 

Today I'm starting a caffeine-free challenge. i ill do 7 days and see how it goes. for 3 days i will reward myself with a small cake. for 5 days, a bar of chocolate. for 7 days, a book! i know i will get urges to have caffeine. i will take b vitamins for energy, rest and sleep loads, drink plenty of water, have a bit of sugar if i need it, and maybe even eat fruit. i will learn a meditation for managing cravings. i will try one tonight.

 

12 weeks. What could I achieve in 12 weeks??

 

thanks! i dont know about the woman/men thing. it probably depends on the individual, and the age of the individual. i feel like i'm less horny these days - it's just around ovulation that urges are a problem for me. but then, i used to masturabte as a way of escaping reality. i don't do that any more. i only do it to release sexual urges, so that may also be why im doing it far less these days. i want to say though, that it does seem to be a problem for more men than women, but i don't know if that isnt a cultural thing.

i agree with the no unearned dopamine goal. your life will be much more satisfying, when you look back on it, if you work on long term goals and life tasks you are avoiding. i truly believe that. if you spend all your time gaming and masturbating, you're likely to have regrets when you look back. but i dont think there's anything wrong with rewarding yourself from time to time, like by having a gaming session at the weekend after a week of hard work. you may not be a gamer, but hopefully you get my gist.

 

thanks, i will check him out!

 

really struggling with the no caffeine thing. my intentions were all set and then the hot weather hit, leading to poor sleep and feeling like i needed caffeine in the day to funtion. i've kind of adjusted to the warm weather now though, got my sleep back on track, so i will try again. i had a coffee today around midday and i got an upset stomach. it often does this to me, unless i have it with a big meal. but i feel more 'awake' and aware if i'm well-rested and not drugged on some stimulant. so, here i go again. 7 days without caffeine. i want to see if i can do it. i want to know if it's really worth quitting caffeine for good - if i'm better off without it. if i can just manage a week, that should give me some insight, and i'll take it from there. and if i feel sleepy on my lunch break at home, i can take a nap!

also, i'm not going to do pmo during these next twelve weeks. i have a summer challenge (see above) and i don't want to M during it. to be fair, P and O aren't an issue for me, but M can be.

 

No this was just something I made up myself. I figured out there were twelve weeks left of summer at that point, and made a summer challenge for myself. A lot of my journal is just me talking to myself, to be honest, so it may not make much sense. I remember you too!

 

Your last streak is a hell of a streak, by the way. How did you manage that?

 

That's inspiring, thanks! Yes, NF is a good community, and I do see the value of having coaching and an accountability partner. Luckily I have an IRL accountability partner for the changes I'm trying to make (not PMO-related, though).

 

I think I've cracked the caffeine issue. No caffeine for three weeks. I felt more rested, didn't overthink anything, and even thought I looked nicer. I seemed to have more motivation, and needed less sleep. Far less anxiety and stress. I use the past tense because I've had a cup of caffineated tea the last couple of days, as I'm under the weather. Ironically after I last did M. Which has led me to decide to do my third and final 90 day reboot.

I want to quit M for good as it just saps my spirit and energy. I think it makes me more selfish and miserable, and i tend to do it if i'm anxious - it makes me feel 'safe'. I still get a bit keyed up during the second week of my cycle, even without caffeine. It's just hormones i guess. Well, it's time to get better coping strategies, as I don't want the unpleasant after-effects of M, which last a few days for me. My new way of feeling safe will be meditation/sensory deprivation, like in an isolation tank. I've tried it in the past and it helps me. Or I could play my Switch to distract myself from urges, even if it means staying up half the night. It's better than M. It's said it takes 3 weeks to learn a new habit. 90 days will equal 3 week 2s. So i should break the habit of M that way. The longest I've done in the past is 7 months, so I know it's possible!

That will take me into October, by which time I'm hoping to have moved to a new house and embarked on a new career, and be making more money. I'm currently making progress on all these goals, I'm happy to say.

I want peace and clarity of mind, so I need to do what it takes to get that, even if it means cutting off caffeine and M, two things which I love. It's better to enter paradise lame than to go with both feet into the fire. And I'm more than happy to leave the habit of rumination behind - which caffeine and M can fuel. Like I said, peace of mind is more important to me. And clarity of mind makes my intuition stronger, so I can 'see' things more clearly. This also helps with dream interpretation, which is something that interests me greatly. And it just makes me more logical too. It's a definate win.

 

These last few days I've been a bit down. Not really sure why. I've been a bit under the weather, and just want to get cracking on some stuff I want to do, but I've had to wait. I think that's all it is, really.

Anyways, tomorrow I'd best get cracking! I'm nearly a week into my third reboot already. I want to be super-focused over these coming weeks. I stopped having caffeine every day when I recovered from my cold. I had a coffee as a treat yesterday. Nothing today. I might have one as an *occasional* treat, but that's it. I certainly don't *need* caffeine, if anything I focus and function better without it, I know that now.