A tale of a reset, including an analysis

It's only getting worse
I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep very well tonight either. I'm starting to wonder if I can keep going.

Historically, pmo has been the most troublesome for me when I was living in an apartment at uni. I get super stressed, super lonely, and now I have all of my past experiences weighing down on me. Someone said it's like trying to quit smoking when you're carrying some with you at all times, and I'm really starting to feel that.

I want to find out what specifically makes this challenge harder to do away from home, and get to the bottom of it. Until then, I really hope I can make it through the night.

Part of me is really scared of what will happen if I do relapse. I might lose friends.

But I think the best thing to do will be to reset my counter, keep trying, and not abandon my account no matter how rough it gets. I might lose some respect, but maybe that's something I'm saying to shame myself into leaving if something does happen.

In the meantime, I'm seriously questioning whether or not I can make it through the night in this state. I could hardly sleep last night because of this, and I just want an out. I don't want to stay up till 5:00 AM going insane over this when I have classes to attend. Again, I think I need to find out what's going on inside my head, buy I don't know if I can right now. But maybe that's just an excuse.

 

I did end up PMOing last night. I'm going to list my observations, some lessons I learned, and then I have a question.

First, here are a few observations:
1) It was not as fulfilling as I thought it would be.
2) PMOing once did not decrease the urge to PMO again.
3) The next morning, I had a choice between PMO and showering. I was strongly considering the first option, but I chose to only shower.
4) I had the choice to pmo or do my coursework, and again, I was considering the first, but not as strongly as last time. I chose to start my coursework, and I'm glad I did.

Here's what I learned:
1) If I can't sleep at night, PMO won't help. Even if it did make me more tired eventually, there are better ways I could have used my energy. For example, I could have done my reading for a class instead.
2) I always have a choice when it comes to PMO. Choosing PMO means I have to miss out on something else. Sometimes it's clear what I'll be missing out on, and other times I won't be able to tell immediately.
3) Resetting my counter doesn't mean I have to relapse. It makes it difficult for a while, but it's not impossible.
4) I have some great friends on here. Thank you to the people who have been messaging me and supporting me through this.

Lastly, I have a question:
What can I do to get all my energy out before bed? I used to do push-ups every day, but I quit doing those when I moved up to school. In the meantime, I started going on walks, which helps clear my mind.

If you were thinking of relapsing, I hope this helps. You can work this out!