Am I married to an amazingly good man, or is he a gross, pathetic wanker?

My husband loves porn and says the only problem he has with it is that I have a problem with it.

When we were dating, it was no big deal to me - I knew he jerked off daily and it didn’t bother me because he was just a fun, sexy hook up that I met on POF and I had a list of available guys to keep me company so I wasn’t terribly disappointed if he happened to be unavailable.

That was then ... when I didn’t know anything about PA and its affects on relationships and I also didn’t care enough about him to worry much when he couldn’t get hard or stay hard and most of the time when we hooked up, I had all the orgasms and he couldn’t cum. Whatever ... I figured he could take care of himself when he got home. At least I’d had my fun.

And I did have a lot of fun - not just in bed ... he was smart and interesting and funny. We had so many deep, fascinating conversations ... we talked and talked ... plus, he was sexy AF and he made me feel sexy and desirable and extra hot to be hooking up with a younger man who obviously enjoyed my company.

We dated for a few years and even though we only saw each other maybe once every week or two due to work and kids - it was always THE BEST ... he was an awesome cook, we did projects (like painting my house) together, we enjoyed excellent music, we talked about deep subjects and dumb stuff. He asked if I’d ever consider going to on a short trip with him and even though I didn’t think it would actually happen because we were both busy with kids and daily life, I said sure, that’d be cool ... and he made it happen and it was fantastic ... like, every moment was amazing.

So we traveled more together ... all over the US and we went to Europe. At some point, in all our travels, he fell in love with me ... which kinda freaked me out because if I were picking a life partner, he wouldn’t even be in the running - I’d want someone older (so I’d always feel young and sexy compared to him), someone richer, someone without minor children to cramp our lifestyle, someone without a smartphone and easy access to Internet porn. But also, it was really flattering that he was so into me. Why wouldn’t he be? I am practically the perfect partner - easy going, adventurous, smart, mostly quiet and not much of a drama queen, I actually like all things domestic - cooking, cleaning, doing laundry - financially independent, professionally successful, physically attractive, sexually available and always in “the mood,” ... plus so much more. And him too ... I had no complaints ... he’s not lazy, he’s responsible and generous, affectionate and attentive. Especially when we are alone together ... everything is absolutely perfect.

It was on one of our trips that I realized that whenever I was taking a shower - getting ready for bed and making myself yummy for him - he used that time to look at porn. Ugh! Why?

It started to bother me - and I told him how it made me feel like WTF? Are you excited because of me, or because of the porn? I told him it made me feel like a receptacle ... and so he left me. He said PMO is natural, everyone does it, it’s a basic human right and what it means to be a man. He accused me of being controlling ... and he left.

Damn ... I should have just said, “Adios,” and dodged a bullet, but by then I was too invested and had had too many good times and too much fun with him to just let him go.

We got back together. He left his iPad at my house and it was linked to his phone - I checked it and found that I could see his browsing in real time - OMG - I should not have looked. He works nights and all night long he was googling images of “(pick an adjective) p*ssy” ... and he’d look at hundreds of images during his 12 hour shift. I became obsessed with what he was looking at and would stay awake until his break time at 2 or 4 in the morning cuz I couldn’t stop checking on him. It was traumatizing - but I didn’t realize at the time how harmful it would eventually be to me to know just how much porn he was indulging in.

He was practically living with me by then and he’d get off work, come to my house and, since I knew he was used to PMOing before going to sleep, I’d go back to bed with him and give him a handjob, always conflicted because I thought he must be thinking about all the images he’d viewed during the night, feeling like a receptacle, but also so desperately not wanting him to jerk off and leave me out of it.

And then ... he stopped. I noticed on his iPad that he wasn’t looking at porn and he had deleted all his favorites links to porn sites. About a month later, he told me he had stopped because he’d listened to a podcast about porn and how it kills intimacy and he decided he preferred intimacy. Hooray! What a relief.

It was at that point that I developed this mega obsession with keeping him from watching porn. Here’s why: before, he’d used ED drugs when we were going to have sex - and after he stopped, he didn’t need those pills - which I like A LOT. I became hyper-vigilant and couldn’t leave him alone long enough for him to PMO. Which meant not going anywhere unless he was at work or sleeping. He resisted at first - tried to get some space and some alone time, but I cannot bring myself to allow that so I’m always with him. I have some kind of agoraphobia - but it’s not fear of leaving the house - just fear of leaving him alone. I missed my daughter’s graduation because I couldn’t leave him alone

We still have so much amazing times together. He moved in, then we married - and when we are alone, we are fabulous together. But - now he has custody of his kids - and they suck due to a meth-addict mother who neglected and abused them - so I have that to put up with. Instead of traveling and having great times, we mostly are just raising kids and doing the daily grind.

I’m pretty sure he still looks at porn while he’s at work - but he says he doesn’t, and I quote, “When I’m at work, I don’t go in the break room or out to my car and look at porn.” Which, at the time he said it, my gut feeling was that he does exactly what he denies.

Recently, he sent me to pick the kids up from school - he needed to take a nap before work. I felt like he was acting weird all day - and I really didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to be like, “pick them up yourself,” cuz what? I’d come off as paranoid and bitchy and petty - so I went. When I got home, I could tell from looking at our lube that he’d used it while I was gone. On one hand - it was a real relief to know I wasn’t really paranoid to think that if I leave him home alone he will PMO - he has been gaslighting me to think I’m the crazy one and there really is no problem.

I confronted him about it and at first he was like, “where’s this coming from?” but I added, “and don’t gaslight me with your lies.” And then he stopped talking and just went to bed. Later, he told me that nuns and puritans used to punish boys for doing what’s natural ... which I didn’t even bother to respond to. Later he admitted it and apologized, and said he hardly ever PMOs, but he also told me he has no problem lying to me - for my own good. Jesus Christ. It was about two weeks before we could have sex that actually felt right - no ED and real connection. I did not consent to having my love life fucked up like that.

I feel like our relationship is win-win for him and no-win for me. He doesn’t need me, though he says he loves me. He is stubborn and proud and so if I give him any ultimatums, he will be fine with me leaving or staying ... whatever. I have given up so many of my interests - but I’ve also developed so many new interests and hobbies - so in that sense, it’s been a trade off. But I feel paralyzed to do anything or go anywhere unless he is working or sleeping. I only feel truly safe after I’ve satisfied him sexually and he’s contentedly snoring in bed beside me.

So I’ve been reading these forums and RecoveryNation and so much is so familiar ... the anxiety of the PA partners, the gaslighting, the weird sexual fetishes, etc. Most of the time, he seems so normal and he’s a good husband, but I can barely think about anything other than, “Is he looking at porn, waiting for an opportunity?”

Holy crap. I just want peace.

 

So if he worked all night and spent his “down time” looking at porn, would that explain why he came home horny, was ogling me in my nighty, started out hard, but then didn’t really seem into it and couldn’t cum?

He did cuddle with me and tell me he loves me before immediately falling asleep. I didn’t give him any grief about not finishing. Just figured maybe he was too tired (not that it’s stopped him on other mornings) ... kissed him and said, “tomorrow morning?” To which he responded with an emphatic YES.

I’ve been googling for a connection between edging and DE ... haven’t come up with much.