Am I relapsing?

When I read this post yesterday, I saw that you and I are a lot alike, and this has been on my mind.

You had 32 days before this last PM, and I went 33 days before doing that.

These were only incidental episodes.

They were "relapses" in that our counters must be reset to "0."

You have not, however, become completely submerged in porn, and you have not relapsed all the way to square one where you started.

This would only be a complete relapse, if you had resumed PMO at the same frequency as before.

You say, "I notice that I am not as adamant as I used to be before about this."

I interpret this as saying that you are not as obsessed with porn as you had been in the past.

This is evidence of all of the strength and inner resources you developed over your 32 days.

Those remain, even after one incident.

 

I can relate, as well. I'm a runner and was training for my first marathon when I blew out my knee. It was devastating and I was beyond depressed. Getting old sucks. Like swimming for you, running was a way to manage stress and take control of my life. I've been doing what I can to get my knee back to where it needs to be but, odds are, it'll never be where it was and injury will be more likely when I start to run the same distances, again. I started to go into some pretty dark places, mentally, and I know that if I stayed there, it was only a matter of time before a gave in to the old addictions. What has helped me come out of that place is realizing that I can't control the fact that I'm injured (and getting old) but refocusing on goals that I do have control over.

I have also found that coming to this forum everyday has been a life saver in preventing me from relapse. I plan to come here everyday during the first 90 days of my recovery. I believe you have made immense progress and I look forward to achieving what you have. You slipped, but you have not completely slid down the mountain. It's important you realize your mistake but also recognize your achievement. This is an addiction. It never goes away. But we can eliminate our "need" to give in to the addicted mind and lessen its affects on our lives.

 

I broke my ankle two weeks ago and I have been chained to my bed so for me it has been so difficult not to watch porn. I try to give myself tasks for the day. At every hour I have something scheduled so that I stay too busy to google porn..

 

Getting older is a crisis, and I am two years ahead of you at that.

At age forty-four, when the sex drive should naturally be diminishing, it seems absurd that I should still have the frustrations of men half my age.

I respect the many teenagers and young men on this site who are overcoming their masturbation habits now.

That is something I should have done twenty-five years ago, and I can only regret decades wasted.


It is unfortunate that your knee injury makes it impossible for you to sit lotus style in meditation.

A few years ago, I worked at developing the flexibility to twist my legs into the full lotus.

Meditation gives me the clarity and focus I need when my mind starts spinning.

After something went totally wrong the other day, sitting for thirty minutes helped me to release some of my anxious thoughts.


Your description of yourself as "not as adamant" wasn't entirely clear to me when I responded the first time.

I went with my interpretation that you were not as adamant or driven to porn.

That was the more optimistic reading of it, but I also suspected that this may have meant that you were losing enthusiasm for NoFap.

That you are really "not as adamant" about giving up porn is understandable.

The days following an episode of PMO are the most difficult, but not necessarily because of overwhelming urges.

(We will call an isolated time of porn and masturbation an "episode," rather than a "relapse" to be consistent with what I explained before.)

The one or two days after one of my last PMO episodes were not much of an investment. After I had blown my 33 days, there was nothing left to lose.

One has already done it and broken a streak, and then it is easy to just do it again.

You feel as though you are already lost, and one could just go ahead and wantonly enjoy doing more damage to oneself.

The first days and weeks drag, and it seems like Day 32 or Day 33 is forever away.

Impatience is a risk. One would not have the motivation to work toward a goal that seems too far to reach. The status quo is more readily attainable.

The first days after a PMO episode, the memories of it are vivid, and even without physical urges, the brain craves more of the same.


After repeated failures, abstaining seems impossible, and even more doubtful when you read the "Relapse Reports."

I myself, at age 44, have never done much with my sexual energies other than PMO, and I fear that my drive may yet be too strong for me to live without any sexual outlet.

I am too old to start dating, and after decades of rejection and not a single accepted invitation, I don't have the courage to try figuring it out.

You said that your wife "is not there" for your "physical needs." I know what that means.

Even guys who are fortunately married can suffer involuntary celibacy.

(Involuntary celibacy is an actual term, and it describes a condition. I may write a post about that in the future.)

PMO is a mental addiction, but some of us have turned to pornography for lack of any healthy forms of sexual expression and release.

The fundamental biological part of this cannot be denied. If sexual activity is a kind of biological "need," then NoFap seems futile for one who is involuntarily celibate.

The only choice seems to be to either live with biological tensions and mental torment, or resign oneself to a life with PMO.

My one hope is that with time my remaining sexual desires will dry up as the rest of my aging body continues to decay.

Then, I will give no thought to any of this.


I admit that, with all of this, I am worn down, and I don't have the enthusiasm for NoFap that I had in November.

It is difficult regaining the same momentum. That "initial glow" you describe has yet to return.

Yet, every day, I spend too much time on this site trying to restore my commitment.

Even with all of the deprivations this entails, I still believe this is the better way.