Anyone here?

I have been a little disappointed with this site probably because i haven’t used it properly. I have a different story than you but fight the urges constantly.
Chris

 

Thanks for the post, guy! I would not count on age/time to resolve the conflict. Nothing _inherently_ unattractive about being 70, in my view. Speaking from my own experience, you just have to accept it (the double attraction): since it started so early (as it did with me) it is unlikely to go away.

You'll need a little "tolerance for ambiguity" but most of all, I think, it helps to de-dichotomize your view of sex and attraction. That either-or stuff is really not helpful or realistic. Guys in prison may feel better when they perform sex on guys referred to as "my bitch" but it doesn't change the fact that their would-be butchness has clearly crossed the line into homosexuality. The rest is just smoke and mirrors to cover their ass (no pun intended).

Personally, I think that sexual energy may be directed one way or another. It can flow in either or both ways, since ultimately it's just sexuality, i.e. a general human trait we feel towards other humans (and while women and men are somewhat different, they're not so different that they can't both excite us.

To get actualized, both homo- and hetero-sexuality do require quite a bit of conditioning. You and I were conditioned in both ways, early on. Maybe you're experiencing an 80-20 distribution; maybe it's more 60-40, but it's still just sexual energy and can flow any way it likes depending on the circumstances/conditioning. Be grateful that it's not tied to things as disgusting and unhealthy as scat, puke, or torture...like it can be for some. Even matronly Barbara Bush famously stated that she does not know any man who doesn't like oral sex!

So.... you are left with some real and hot memories of encounters early in your life with an older guy who took advantage of you over a considerable period of time; I do not want to make light of that. It's bothering you, as it should, and not just because you're married. Besides questions of "identity," there may be moral, religious, spiritual, legal, or other reasons to vainly wish for it all to "go away."

Still, narrow views of "normalcy" are unreal, in my view; sexuality does not come from the kitchen of life in only 2 distinct and narrow behaviors. Like in all of nature, there is a plethora of variation. Your experiences, like mine, may come from two non-adjacent areas on the continuum of life. Call it interesting, or a complication, or enriching, or a challenge, or a key to greater wisdom, or a pain in the neck... but if you can... relax... it's far more prevalent, human, natural and "normal" than you may have been led to believe!

Cheers!

 

PS: Glad it made you feel better to talk to your tribe about it -- but in my experience it's not always a good idea and, as you also say, sort of irrelevant to the nature of the "conflict" at hand. Your wife's response was spot-on, though, since it addressed the only thing she was concerned with. Lucky guy!