Avoiding PA in the future?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Aug 25, 2018.

  1. Welcome back! Good to see you again. And thanks, as always, for your excellent advice. :) Forgiveness is key, both towards self and anyone who has hurt you. I know I am forever working on that. Probably always will be, and that's ok. Empathy is at the top of my list now. I think I have so much empathy it blinded me to others who lack it. I still have trouble accepting that people can be so dishonest and cause so much pain for others.

    So happy to hear you've found someone new, someone you can be honest and open with. That's the dream, right? How did he react to your last relationship and these specific issues? I'd be curious to get the take on PA from a non-PA.

    I don't disagree with you about the unlikelihood of finding a man who doesn't watch P. I'm afraid it's a dealbreaker for me now, though - too much education about the industry and what it does to relationships has left me with a sour taste in my mouth, in addition to the trauma. And that's ok. If I'm unable to find someone who can happily refrain from looking at other women naked, I'll be just fine by myself. I found things so much better when the sexual energy was focused in and on the relationship rather than used up alone. I learned a lot in the last few years and value things differently than I did before. Ignorance was bliss, but inauthentic. Reality, however ugly, offers the potential for something so much more satisfying than fantasy.

    kropo82 likes this.
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    As far as his reaction to my past relationship with a pmo addict he reacted pretty much the same way most non male pmo addicts do. “Wait, why would a man choose his hand and a screen over a real live woman? “ He like the others said porn was for when you were single or you could not be with your partner. Like most he was perplexed. But he was understanding and read a lot about it. My ex was an addict porn was just his substance. He had underlying issues that lead him there. Depression, anxiety low self esteem, a prior horrible divorce, a hyper critical Mother. It was not porn it was him and if he cut out porn he’d find something else.

    I hope you find your non porn man. I totally understand why you feel that way and you have every right to stand your ground for what you want. Good luck.
    havana19, Trappist, Jennica and 3 others like this.
  3. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    I can't recommend this enough. The next relationship I have I will have figured out what his views on pmo is. I find it relatively easy in conversation to bring up an idea like "porn is a single person's game" and watch how he reacts.
    Sadly, the ex I've just left, lied and lied from the very beginning so now, a declaration of innocence isn't enough. I've thought about how I'd react in a ED situation and, I've got to be honest, I would have to end the relationship. Even if the poor man has medically related reasons why he can't perform, it affects my self-esteem too much and I'm not trusting any PIED excuses now. The greatest weapon, as GG mentioned, is instinct and red flags. Unless you have paranoid schizophrenia or something, I believe we have instinct for a reason.
    For me, the best way to avoid getting with another PA in the future is by becoming good friends with him first. If I feel too embarrassed to bring it up at the friendship stage, then he's not the right man. A good man will be willing to start as friends and be happy to be patient. If he just wants a quick hole, it was never meant to be. Best of luck x
  4. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

    I have heard of many instances where PAs just lie right from the get go and say they aren't into "that stuff" etc but the SO later finds out that the partner is into it snd it is a problem, of course. I last dated about 5 years ago and had been in a ltr before that but I never understood truly about PA until I dated this man and he had almost no ability to get erect...he also indicated that he had no preference, whether male or female and mentioned something about 'torture-p" one time...I had never heard of it...well that is a relationship that was my wake up call to this problem. Thankfully, it was never anything beyond a dozen dates and was never consummated.

    To answer your question: I have found engaging the man in sex talk (not a talk about sex, but sexual talk/play) is a good way to take a reading on what is swishing around in his brain. The last two men I considered dating failed the test. It was clear their outlook on sex was awash with p-scenarios. I ghosted both of them. Too harsh? When I read all the heartbreak women are going through out there, I'd say I was spot on harsh enough. Do not get involved thinking you will change them. Just move on and find a guy who is already taking responsibility and actively changing. Most addicts WILL LIE if asked directly, by denying or playing it down. My technique is simply one that works for me and the guy need never know why you never called again unless you choose to tell them (I did not, but would be honest if they asked). Good luck and keep your space safe.
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  5. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

    I'm curious what you mean by this. They mentioned enjoying certain "acts" that are common in P?
  6. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

    yes in specific and mechanical ways that involve a "performance" aspect on the part of the woman...and also one asked where I wanted him to ejaculate on me, suggesting boobs, face....these were brought up as either things they typically liked or appeared to think were standard sex. I can see some things being done in a relationship with established trust etc, as a second or third tier activity, but they spoke of these acts as if they were par...no mention of anything the woman might like or any type of actual intimate process leading up to the sex acts.
    Jennica, TooMuchTooSoon and kropo82 like this.
  7. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

    Agree...there are men who will read this is as a woman with high standards, which usually denotes other valueable qualities and traits in her as well.... But...the average narcissist type will see this as a potential target for the same reasons, and will lie and manipulate his way in knowing full well he will do as he pleases once he has her psychologically pinned. I use a more stealth testing method, because honestly, this world--and esp dating sites--are teeming with narcs and other toxic types. They also like the "challenge" of psychologically trapping and tormenting the "good" peopleof the world. Yes, it is possible to meet decent people there, just not as likely as IRL, and as mentioned these dating apps are custom made for duplicity.
    Jennica likes this.

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