There is a HUGE difference I notice, though, and that's that, even when I feel just about ready to give in and masturbate, I haven't done it thus far. But....the last couple days in particular have been rough. Strong surges of sexual arousal that seem to be able to continue for hours. Difficulty interrupting my brain's fantasizing. It seems easier to do the nofap thing than it's ever been, in that it just seems like I have less desire to masturbate. Less desire even though maybe just as much temptation? A part of me very much wants to masturbate. But it seems like there's a habit that's solidifying of not acting on my first, second, third, or even tenth impulse that direction. And I notice that the part of me that doesn't want to relapse is getting stronger. It seems like something is shifting for me on a subconscious level. Because, last night, I was starting to devise a story for why relapse was inevitable. But something inside kept stopping me. This felt different from white knuckling. This felt like the real me genuinely doesn't want to go to those places. I found myself and find myself talking myself through these urges, normalizing them as a body reaction, and reminding myself of how important it is for me to untangle the fantasies I'm used to from sexual feelings. But.....I do notice some work to be done around some of the fantasies themselves, because it does seem that these fantasies show up in response to particular stresses in my life. I want to examine more about that. I can feel that a part of me is afraid of "missing something great" if she doesn't engage in these fantasies. It feels like more than a missed opportunity for sexual arousal. The fantasies feel more layered than that, more connected to deeper wants or deeper beliefs a part of me holds about what connecting with other people means. I've also noticed myself drifting toward watching a tv show that, while it's not directly triggering, is at the border of being triggering. I looked at the show on youtube and started reading the comments, and realized partway through that, that some of the comments were quite triggering. I did my best to just move on to the next comment, since there was a particular type of comment I was particularly looking for that was different from the triggery ones. But....I see the addict side of me getting in a bit, finding opportunities to find stuff that's at the border of porn subs for me. And then I notice that a part of me responds to that by saying, "Well, it's like you've already relapsed anyway, so why not just go ahead and do the full thing? It will help it be more definitive, and then your recovery will be even stronger than if you hadn't relapsed!" Sneaky, my addict brain. Nothing to stop me from working to get out of the gray zone even now. I'm doing that by acknowledging the triggery show and the triggery comments. I'm watching it for a different reason than the triggers, but maybe, for now while I'm vulnerable, I need to wait on watching that. I'm working to disrupt my fantasizing by bringing my awareness back to the present moment. That's still difficult. But I have a new awareness now, too, after abstaining from mb through several waves of intense feelings and fantasies. The awareness that these feel very strong at the moment, or even sometimes for hours or a couple days -- but they do pass. They really do pass, and I don't have to act on them. Hoping just writing this all out will be of help to me going forward. I'm getting ready to take a nap. I'm getting into a territory inside where I feel so pre-relapse that even just napping scares me. Naps used to always start with mb. Breaking that pattern. One innocent nap at a time!
