Bullied as a kid?

Yeah @odjoeo , please be cautious when referencing porn without [TRIGGER WARNINGS]. I don't care if you think I'm being a cry-baby - this is some serious shit you're being cavalier with. It doesn't hit me, but I know of a lot of people on here it does hit. A little sensitivity, please.

I'm one of those outcasts who kinda drifted into porn. I can even see points earlier in my life where good people wanted to help me be a better me and I ignored them. I respected them and acknowledged they knew a lot about what they spoke of, but I just did my own thing. The decades of growth I could of had as a result... *shakes head*. My preferences seem rather tame compared to most, and for some reason I never went down the rabbit hole.

I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, @TenderCrisp, but you're still here, and more importantly you're here, on this forum. You're doing what you need to in order to become a better you. Self-development is always to be applauded.

 

Thank you for your encouraging words. Sure feels good to be heard. I’ve never told this story to anyone in real life. Not even a therapist. Somehow managed everything without therapy. Pushing through all the bullshit, trying to look for the lessons, grow, and overcome. So it’s beginning to dawn on me how strong and indestructible I really am at the core.

I too have had a couple people trying to help me along the way, but they always made me feel even more inadequate. If someone tries to push me out of my comfort zone or decide shit for me I generally shut down and don’t want it. I just don’t like to be smothered. I want to pick myself back up, not be picked up by someone who can then just as easily leave me disappointed, broken and shattered like others have along the way. Plus sometimes, I’ve discovered we can be really in love with our own misery and addictions if it’s the only thing we derive our sense of self, our identity, from.

 

I was bullied quite a lot from ages 14-17 in a sort of passive aggressive way. I was the very strange and quiet kid in class and often sat alone at lunch. No one wanted to associate themselves with me and my helicopter parents put stress on me at home. I was an absolute video game addict, but when the buzz from that stopped I started watching a lot of porn. At first it was very little, maybe once a week. Later though, it got worse and the porn I started to watch was hitting insane amounts of weird. My parents always favoured my brother and that contributed to my depression along with the fact that I was inbred made me feel really bad about myself. At school people made fun of me for enjoying Pokemon while still in High School and playing Wizard 101. Porn was my alcohol as I used it to cope with being a social outcast and disappointment. Thankfully, my porn usage has gone down substantially and I masturbate much less.

 

Just a theory, but maybe people drift into P as it is a control thing.

As a child and young adult I was a victim of other people's bad behaviour... I had so little control over events in my daily life, and clearly an inability to stop the bad stuff happening, so I was drawn to something I could control that also gave intense satisfaction...PMO. I was, and still am, a big fantasist/ dreamer. I don't think this is actually a bad thing, it even helps me in many ways.. But this developed early in me as well, and is also I think related to bullying, etc.

I don't think we should justify PMO due to our upbringing, but it may help us explain the origin and maybe the cure ( assuming there is one for a specific person).

 

I've lived much of life without control over large parts of it. I think you might have a possible theory there.

 

Yes, very similar to my story.. I was really badly physically abused by my father throughout childhood. Really, he should have gone to jail. So these extreme upbringings will affect some of us.

I didn't get into drink or drugs ... Never smoked. Instead I just escaped into imaginary worlds of my own creation. I think also key for me was realising, early on at about 10, that the abusers were in the wrong even though no one would help me, helped. Now my brother had a similar difficult time as me but he never made this jump for some reason...he idolised his abuser. This is why I think he became very depressed and eventually, as this wasn't treated, schizophrenic.

Well, this is my analysis ... Note I am not a psychiatrist just a victim.

My solution is similar to yours today.. I go all out for positive lifestyle changes.

 

How can you masturbate in kindergarten days

 

We are survivors, not victims!

 

Humping / rubbing against the floor / carpet. Even without a hard-on. And fully clothed. I know, weird af. But from what I’ve read in books, I was not the only kid who does that. I even had an inflamed glans at one point from overdoing it, and had to get a special cortisol lotion from the doctor. Of course this only treated the surface symptoms, not the cause. In my opinion I should have been dragged to a psychologist then and there for some sort of behavioral therapy. Which is something my parents failed to do and I still kind of blame them for.

In fact, the earliest memory I have is me pleasuring myself in kindergarten, being caught by a friend and telling him it’s part of the morning work out we playfully created when we acted as adults.

Needless to say, my parents also caught me doing it and instead of talking to me about it they just gave me sex complexes by treating me like some kind of freak who displays this weird behavior and needs to be disciplined and told to stop doing it. So I learned early on that it’s something terribly wrong that I have to hide...I even remember how it was a truly mind blowing experience to learn in my teenage years that in fact EVERYONE was doing it. But there’s still a lot
of guilt and shame and sense of wrongness. Which is helpful in fighting Pmo, but overall quite an unhealthy feeling associated with sexuality on the whole.

 

Your theory is actually backed up by the likes of Sigmund Freud. In one of those books about pedagogy and case studies I’ve read the exact same thing; that children who for instance cannot stand their mother leaving them (even if it’s just for 30 minutes to go grocery shopping etc.) start rhythmically rocking back and forth as some kind of soothing control mechanism. They have no sense of time when they’re so young, don’t know what’s going on, feel a terrible lack of control in the absence of their parent and develop these coping mechanisms.

From what I’d read there it was my understanding that early on this whole prepubescent masturbation routine might have also been started as such a control mechanism / rhythm / movement - whereby I accidentally discovered the sexual pleasure derived from the glans and the following orgasm.

 

Wasn't bullied as a child. Porn just escalated to weird freaky shit.

 

I'm new to this site and didn't know about the [TRIGGER WARNING] idea. Someone let me know so I apologize to anyone who found my earlier reply to you in this thread disturbing.

 

Attention please , With some triggers

I was bullied at the age of 10-13.
I study in a class for the so-called "smart" children.Then there are many courses that are much more difficult then for the other "usual" students.For example,we learn how to write simple codes on 486 computer.
At that time our society start to being rich , adult people are crazy about making money then the old moral values are ruined.One classmate parents runs a sex- related store.("alochol and pretty babes""Stripe or Take out").Some gangsters come to get members.We start to grow both in bodies and minds.There are no graded levels on books or television, so we can get many inappropriate contents things, leaving our teachers hard times.
Heavy loads of study and high money spending made me really want to leave to another school, that intention may be one reason why I am being bullied.Now I am still fight for it I thought.