Causing her pain

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chris14, Jun 27, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    That's definitely what the deal is with my partner. He grew up with parents who were horribly cruel to him, still are to both of us. Hypercritical etc. As an adult I can process it and move on but when he's around them now even as an adult I see a wounded child. So he does not feel as a protective mechanism and can't understand how others do. Also anytime you say anything to him that he hears as negative even if it's not he hears "you are a stupid idiot and worthless loser." Except I am not saying that and he never hears what I say. I could ask him nicely 25 times not to do something and he won't recall. The only thing he responds that is screaming! He hears me then and says why didn't you ask nicely you need to come at me with a kinder tone. Except I did 25 times before. It's gotten to the point that I put things in texts or record he conversation so I can show him I did have that conversation!
     
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  2. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Probably. I'm numb now, still packing my things to take out from our house and move out.
    Still can not believe that it's so ruined between us and that to stay addicted is more important than to stay and BE with me. I'm actually losing nothing now. If he is still choosing porn and this cycle of not even being here in real world, so what I'm to lose, the shadow of another person?
    In my case I have nothing shared with husband: no kids, no home, nothing at all.
    I pay my bills by myself and do not depend on his money at all.
    So the key being with him was always be with him, because I love him.
    Bad treatment, neglect, avoidance, all of that makes no sense when you share with a person only one thing: Love.
    If there is none, no reason to stay, cause makes no sense.
    Oh well, that is still killing me.
    I'll go continue packing
     
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  3. Awwwwww @Shockedbuddy I am so sorry that you are going through this. You deserve so much better than how he has treated you. Sending love and light XO
     
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  4. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    @Shockedbuddy I congratulate you on your strength and resolve to say peace out. Of course it also seems your PA isn't doing much to convince you that your decision isn't the correct one. Of course there is the flip side to that and that is being bombarded with lies that do nothing but prolong your own misery bc each one offers a glimmer of hope and soon all you have left is a pile of dying embers around you.
    I would tell my PA , look go fin a woman who shares your sexual ideals , it's not like they don't exist. And he would say but that's not what he wants.....wtf seriously??! But it's ok to inflict that on me who wants nothing to do with any of it. The mind of a PA is beyond me to understand and if mine hadn't made a 180 I'd been long gone. But I'm a fixer, I always think I can fix ppl. For the first time in my life it was me who needed to be fixed first and for 4 years I never saw it coming bc I was never that person in the past. I'm very upfront with my PA. I have hidden none of my thoughts lately and maybe now he sees I'm serious about taking care of my mental well being first. In a way I wish my PA had been more blasé about it bc there is no way I would have stayed drowning this long had he not shown extreme shame and guilt in the process. But who knows. I became a much weaker unresolved person so maybe I would have stayed.
    @GG2002 the Jessica Alba body comment flashed me to another time where laying in bed my fiance at the time turned to me and said "You are so beautiful. You could be a Victoria's Secret model if the bottom matched the top." I'm built thick, and never had a self esteem problem. I literally was wtf at that comment. The me that existed then, got up took off the stunning 13k diamond engagement ring tossed it at him and told him to shove it up his own less than perfect ass. I walked out. Some of the absolute crap that drips from people's mouths who obviously have no reality check on their own situation never ceases to amaze me. Can I ask why is it that you have not left your PA. He seems mostly resistant to real change or help. You sound like a very intelligent person with way more than enough to offer another person. I ask myself the same questions and I tell my PA he's done an absolutely fabulous job of me now viewing every guy i see as just another dick in hand douche bag. Like I've stagnated to somehow accept this life in lieu of a potentially same or worse one . Every guy that talks to me now , it's the same thought process....oh yeah and what kind of sick asshole are you........thanks but no thanks.
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You know what I've noticed..... Alot of fapstuarnats... Have beards.
    Like if you jerk it.... You have a beard.
    @Bel
    Just my observation.
    They like their facial hair... Alot.
    And the young ones are trying to grow beards. (who fap)
     
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  6. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    They probably have beards bc their hands are too worn out to hold the damn razor. Or they are too tired from choking their chicken to give a shit about shaving. But that said my PA shaved.....everything...I mean I should have been more aware of bald balls
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Bahahahahahahahahahaha!
    True that!
    Interesting Thought!
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @Bel well, now I want to know... So I'm polling it. :confused:
    You might be right after all.

    And @Shockedbuddy.... Leave with peace and a closed heart.

    I've been trying to think of what to say..
    I know two things about leaving and I only think one applies here.
    Don't look back.
    Everyone expects you to turn around for one last glance, it's not good.
    Graduation goggles - it's where when you Finally go to leave everything about the shitty place you were staying looks good simply because you are leaving.
    You start to reminisce.
    Don't.
    Don't hold on, don't turn around for one more glance at the house.
    Look dead ahead at your new life, the next step, the car in front of you.
    It's OK to play memories in your head and hold them in your heart.... But physically looking back weighs like a anchor.
    Don't wear the goggles, don't look back.
    You are strong. You packed.
    Now carry it out the door.
    Cuz if you look back, you might run back.
    Might not be today...
    Could be a year from now....
    It's only heartache.

    People May change...
    It's never That much.

    Good luck.
     
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  9. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Jolie
    It's funny how I like your userpic. That's one of my favorite paintings of Leonid Afremov. He'spaintings always so rainy, but so happy.

    Anyway, my husband started to write me that I need to change myself and apologize and make him believe I can understand everything I did and earn his trust back.
    It was WTF moment for me, I realized that nothing is going to change him or situation. Actually it was like in a comedy: wtf, it should be MY words. LOL


    Let him live as he want and I'm sure there would be someone on his way who would actually accept everything he need in life.

    My blues disappeared.
    Everything is the way it should be. I wanna be happy, happiness his way did NOT work for me.
    2,5 years pretty enough to understand that.
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I feel like Rain Princess is the perfect anology for being here.
    I'm walking along, but I Can see my way through.
    I found a way to cover myself and I Will make it home.
    I'll get through my storm.
    You Will too.
    :)
     
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  11. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Best thing I've read in a couple of days .
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You can only help those who want help.
    Hard life lesson.
     
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  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I wish I could 100% answer your question on why I have not left yet, I am not sure myself. I think it stems from a lifetime of difficulty dating. Not getting dates, I never had an issue with that, but getting a man to full committ to a relationship, want to get married, want to be with just me, see past my looks. I cannot possibly see going back to the horrible dating world again. I also wonder if i am just too picky as I have been told that time and time again. I know this is a serious issue, but there are other things about my partner that I have never found in other men. It's a catch 22. I truly don't think the "one" exists out there for me and for many of us, so do we settle for almost the one? If I had my life to do over again I would not become a lawyer, not just because the law school loans kill me and I don't enjoy it that much, but because it has killed my personal life. I chose it for years over dating, and the men I fell in love with wanted someone with less of a career or who would dumb themselves down. My current partner does not care that I make more money, would happily be a house husband or take care of our kids at home. He is loving and he is kind but i the only way he knows how. I am not sure I can change him though. And I start to think just like you, trust me when i tell you that 99% of the men in the dating market these days are douche bags, and so it gets to the point of pick your baggage or be single. And often what's behind door three is even worse than what you already have.
     
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  14. This makes it harder to leave for sure. The devil you know and all that. I fully admit much of my faith in men has evaporated or rather it's been snuffed out. I don't want to be bitter or closed off but in today's world I don't see how there's any kind of statistically good chance to find a decent man. Better to be alone than go through this again.
     
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  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think we need a thread for women getting back out there to make sure we can "screen" men....

    1) are u a fapsturnuats?
    2)...
    3)....
     
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  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    At least then women won't just Poof off thinking they aren't all alone and shit...
    We still support them and they can still return here if needed
     
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  17. MaculaDensa

    MaculaDensa New Fapstronaut

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    I see you've already been given some insight and advice, but I thought I'd throw my $.02 in, too.

    As a SO, being triggered can happen in totally unexpected and surprising ways. Walking around a minefield of triggers you can't anticipate is exhausting. Mentally, emotionally... just totally draining. Processing through everything is rough, too. I have joked for years that I have the "emotional variability of sand" because I'm generally an even-keeled, laid back, not high strung person. I've never felt more emotionally unstable in my life than processing through this. One minute I feel okay and hopeful. The next I feel absolutely enraged. The next, devastated and sad. And 'round and 'round we go. It's a hellish carousel I want to get off of, but can't. So be patient, give her the space to work through this. Don't be frustrated with her for feeling her feelings. She can't feel like you are impatient, annoyed or trivializing her for how she's dealing with the aftermath of your choices. That's devaluing, and she already feels devalued.

    Another aspect to all of this is how afraid a SO can feel. Is there more I don't know about? Is there another shoe that's going to drop? Your fight or flight reflexes are always on edge. There's also more practical fears- a lot of addicts go to great lengths to hide their addiction, using alternate emails you never knew about, Tor browsing, anonymous VPNs, etc.... so this kind of next-level secrecy scares you into thinking... were you trying to just be extra secretive from me or were you starting to get into illegal stuff? And sure... maybe that's a paranoid fear but the truth is that whether it is or isn't, we feel unsafe for so many reasons.

    So, just try to be aware of how rocked the world of a SO is after all of this. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and in your relationship.
     
  18. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Good guys do exist. Dating for us isn't easy either. I chose career first. I'm 40 and single. I'm realistic in my expectations. My biggest issue is kids. I would marry a single mom with no more then 2 kids. 2 kids would be it. If she had no kids then no more than 1. I'm older, there are more complications for women as they age when it comes to pregnancy, and I'm an only child myself. I have no experience in a large family and the learning curve would be too steep. I've always been very measured in my decision making.
     
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  19. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Past your looks?
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Yes did you ever hear the song if you want to have a happy life never make a pretty girl your wife? So a lot of men would date me but many just wanted sex or a good time. They never took the time to get to know me. They just wanted a pretty face and when they found out I was not just that they ran. You make more money than me? No? I'm a lawyer and I would get "oh I did not realize you don't look like a lawyer." Then dumped.
     
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