Causing her pain

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chris14, Jun 27, 2017.

  1. Chris14

    Chris14 Fapstronaut

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    I'm looking for adive from SOS on here. My SO seems to get trigger or have doubts very often latly. For some back story I have 4 years of hiding lying and cheating with P wile with her. My P ranged from tranny, femdom, pegging, sissy, forced-bi and many more so there is no shortage of trauma that I have inflicted on her. Right now I'm around 60 days PM free and around 40 days hard mode. I post on here everyday, in therapy and actively turning my life around. I know 2 month's can't make up for the 4 years of hell I have put her through but I want to be able to comfort and reassure her of my progress. It doesn't matter if I'm doing everything right or if I slip up get trigger or anything along those lines that would lead to a relapse either way her trauma will cause her to be trigger or have flashbacks or whatever name you want to give it. She is miserable hates and blamest herself and just overall depressed. I hate see her like that and it pains me even more to know it is all my fault. Then even more so it seems whatever I try to do it makes thing worse. So I'm asking for advice or what I can do to help her.
     
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  2. IMG_1796.JPG
    Your SO asked in your journal about your reboot progress. She wanted to know about flatlines, flashbacks, urges, etc. To me, this signifies that she is not "informed" enough about the details of your reboot. She may be feeling that you are not sharing enough of the important information with her. In time, maybe the stuff she wants to know will change. You write in your journal every day, but maybe you write things that are not that important or interesting to her. Pay attention to her questions. That's what she wants to know.
    I don't know your interactions at home, but maybe she sees some behavior that reminds her of the PMO times.
    Maybe she feels you are making progress, but your relationship is not?
    Maybe she is tired of the PMO police role?
    Maybe she needs healing herself, but her energy is eaten up by your recovery?
     
  3. BTW, I wrote all those "maybes", because they are "for sures" fo me ;-)
     
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If you read my journal "a New Hope"
    My SO had to find ways to reach me because I was leaving.
    We are still together.
    And I am VERY happy.
    He works really hard to show me everyday his progress with physical actions.
    I'm a very physical person so I need physical results.
    He made lists (I tell how in my journal) and tacks them up and checks them off.
    I think if more people did this more SOs could see the progress and would worry less and it would help establish trust better.
    I also have a "let's talk about boundaries" which is important for SOs and in relationships. That's in this forum Reboot in Relationships.
    Again, just my opinions, and I realize everyone is different.
    I would recommend... Doing the Love Languages quiz for both of you to maybe find out where the best place is to start with your SO, however.
    Good luck and feel free to ask questions anytime.
     
  5. Chris14

    Chris14 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both. I'm really trying hard when I make the mistake or slack of I can admit it and put more effort in but it is inevitable that she will go through these flashbacks and that is where I find it hard to comfort her in anyway. I am being very open with her and every question she has I answer to the best of my ability.
     
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  6. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Yes.yes.yes.yes to infinity.
    I'll admit I find it odd and I'm struggling bc he literally has had no flat line of disinterest that EVERY other gut seems to experience and a big part of his pmo behaivor of always having to be basically up on me especially in public like shopping in a store. My phrase I constantly wear out is "This is "store name", not a freaking hotel room!" I notice this more if I have on a lower cut shirt or something.
    It's always been weird with him. I was perplexed at why so many women said their PA's wouldn't pay them attention and mine was like a 14 year old school boy , but then the whole picture about gravitating to "parts" made sense. Yeah yeah he says I love you etc but it just feels wrong. It always has i.e. Pmo in the background. I feel like I experience the same instinct now. I'm questioning why , why if he's doing as good as he says has this or that not occurred???? Always fun to play mind games with yourself :(
     
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  7. I don't know what to say... I read posts by you and other SOs and I get so sad and jealous. You either can't get your guy off of you or have wonderful memories from some time in your relationships of your men being sexually attracted to you, or very romantic, or so into you, or or or... All I have is "roommate" behavior from day one :( Sometimes I feel so embarrassed to talk about it, because I know what you all are gonna say... "Why the hell did you even start dating him?" Well, he is a nice guy, caring in many areas, good with kids, etc. I know that's not enough for a successful romantic relationship, but I was (am) waiting and hoping this would somehow develop. Instead, I got PMO to top things up.
     
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  8. Responding to this in another thread :)
     
  9. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    It's really ridiculous how we all seem to attract what we don't want . Your "roommate " experience does suck but honestly being used basically as a dumpster for him to release his mental trash pile physically sucks. I'd much prefer he not touch me then come near me needing release of build up from porn. Again in the past bf's and fiances have respected my pda limits of holding hands and kept anything beyond that private between us. Of course they were all older than me and mature which sadly isn't the case this time. Oh he can be very mature when he wants, which is part of what I gravitated to in the first place, but then it's like fighting off a horny 10th grader other times, and that's never been a normal type of feeling for me. I have always been self conscious bc I got blessed with physical attributes I have never found to be a blessing. And men have always leered and groped at me and I grew up and got tired of placidly allowing it and then groper guru entered the picture and I'm like dude lay the hell off. But again I don't know what's worse not being acknowledged or being acknowledged to the point of oblivion. Being masterfully lied to kinda does that to a person.
    Fwiw I would never say you did wrong. I'd rather have a mental engagement then a physical one most days.
     
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  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    As a SO all I can add to what all the others are saying (I totally agree) is you have to recognize that what you have done has totally changed your SO. She will never be the same. She may put the pieces back together and rebuild with you but she will always have thank inkling you are lying, the one she likely never had before. When someone lies to you or hides things, and that someone is the person you are supposed to be closest to it makes you question everything. Are other people lying to you? Why are you so stupid that you did not see this? Personally i consider myself a very even keeled person, but in the early days of discovery I behaved in a bipolar manner. My feelings would go from anger to rage, to fear to sadness in a few minutes. I would be doing something mundane and suddenly would remember what he did and become enraged. If she is not communicating what it she needs ask her, and if she is not sure what she needs (quite possible) try daily reassurances without being prompted. "I have not looked at any porn today, I have not PMOed." tell her everyday. Ask her if she has questions for you. Be 100% honest in the other areas too. Do not act defensive. Do not make her seem like she is overreacting, do not push her to get over this quicker. Be the best partner possible. Put her first, bring her flowers, make her dinner show her how much you love her and how sorry and committed that you are. And keep doing all of this until things change. She needs time, lots of time and all you can do is give that time to her and hope in the end she will choose to stay.
     
  11. Expressing your understanding of her pain and what she may be feeling will help. When people know that someone wants to understand what is alive in them, then the pain heals itself. And ask her to tell you what her needs are around this feelings and problem. Usually we need to connect empathically before our requests can be heard. She has been asking you to do something but the connection hasn't been there perhaps, for you to hear it. Connection -- understanding --- request-- healing of pain then comes.
    KOW
     
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  12. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    When you reject her feelings you reject her what is so hard to figure out?
     
  13. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Chris seems to think that being clear 90 days is going to magically give him an ounce of trust back . He might also think he's regained some trust when in fact he hasn't. I find myself becoming more and more lax about all of it. Most days it feels like too little too late. Not that I'm not happy for him IF he has indeed gone this long away from PMO , it's just that all my cares have pretty much been drained. Every day I wake up despising the situation I'm in with all of it and every day I'm finally realizing a little bit more that I'm in control of my life. If something sucks , do something about it . It's hard as hell but little by little internally first I find I'm not who I used to be even 3 months ago. I want to see Chris happy and resolved of all this bs bc I do care about him , I'm just finally starting to care about myself more. Finally it's been awhile.
     
  14. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    90 days isn't anything to me. Yes you need to care about yourself .
     
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  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    OMG yes this! I have been clean 90 days you should trust me 100 percent why are you questioning me why can't you move on? When is this going to be over? I cannot do anything right can I? While I realize that 90 says IS a big deal to someone that has been addicted to in the scheme of things to them,to SA especially those that have been lied to for that long, it is truly a drop in the bucket. Addict or not you still made this choice, to hurt us, and the relationship. Not only were we kept in the dark, but we had no part of the decision. I know that studies show females innately have more empathy. This is not sexist its just true, so i think it is easier for us to put ourselves in their shoes and understand. For most men, especially addicts this is next to impossible. Reading some of the things addicts say on here, they truly don't get the pain they caused.
     
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  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I suppose the same way it's hard to figure out why when you lie to someone and break your promises repeatedly that causes pain? I don't understand either. I suppose addicts have addict thinking but I think a larger part of it is empathy and lack of it. I can put myself in his shoes, before I make decisions I always think of how it will make him feel. I am not sure if this is a woman's nature or just mine. I do it in all aspects not just with my SO. I think that if addicts said before they acted how will this effect my SO they would be less likely to do it. And reading a lot on here I see most addicts cannot even begin to fathom the pain that they have caused. Lifelong serious pain.
     
  17. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Males have empathy. Whether or not they decide to use it is a choice. We are not as unemotional as some of us act. Yes it's an act.
     
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  18. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Lack of empathy is a sign of selfishness and in some cases a way to suppress feelings.
     
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  19. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    90 days?! How!
    Mine was saying THE day he just set up the counter for PMO days that I should move on to the positive land and can't think of him anything bad or neative. Also can not mention anything and express myself if something triggered is going on.
    It only shows that person do not even try to understand what kind of pain he gave and don't want to even think about it
     
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  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Oh mine was the same too after two days. I said I was sorry and have stopped I told you I would not do it anymore. Yea and you told me the same thing lied straight to my face for how long? At 90 days it's even worse well it's been 90 days that's in the past stop bringing it up. Mine also can't hear anything negative or that he perceives negative and God forbid I express any feelings. Honey when you told me yesterday I did not have a body like Jessica Alba that hurt my feelings prompts an immediate defensive assault against me about how everything he does is wrong but he's not wrong this time and he's not backing down. In the end the convo is all about how his feelings are hurt and he's mad! Not about what he did to hurt me! with mine I think he does understand how much he hurt me so much so that he can't process it he wants to forget about it entirely because it's painful to him. Problem being of course he's still focusing on his wants and feelings rather than mine. My partner absolutely cannot put another persons feelings before his. So I think a lot of addicts are so self focused they can't even begin to think about another and this is a huge problem beyond PMO.
     

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