Chemical dependence and an answer to the question Why Quit?

There are two things that have been on my mind recently as I try to get back on the horse or the wagon or whichever analogy you prefer.

First, this addiction to pmo is definitely an addiction based on chemical dependence. I've been watching breaking bad recently and one of the characters tries heroin. I'm thinking, why would anyone do heroin? It seems like all they really do is shoot up and fall asleep. But then I saw the look in the guys eyes. Obviously it was an actor who hadn't actually just shot heroin, but he must have studied actual heroin users. You could tell that he was imitating the euphoric sensation of the heroin and all the other chemical reactions taking place inside of the brain. As I've been pmo'ing a lot recently, much to my disappointment, I've been noticing a true drug-like "afterglow." I'll be so fed up with myself and swear, alright, that was the last time. And then an hour later, I'm back on the computer getting my next pmo fix. Acting just like a junky.

And I think to myself when it's over, how did that happen? An hour ago I was vowing never to "shoot up again." That's where the chemical dependence analogy comes into play, I think. As much as I want to stop, there are literal physical impulses inside of my brain telling me to seek out another hit. Just like a heroin user or a cigarette smoker. The whole process of weaning yourself off pmo is hard, don't get me wrong. But perhaps one of the hardest parts of the whole experience is just getting some momentum in the first place. Breaking the cycle. Also, for many of us, this is a habit that we've developed over many, many years. So to expect to flick a switch and turn it off in one fell swoop isn't realistic. I think we need to practice some level of self acceptance. I've got these flaws, it's not going to happen overnight, but someday, I will be the person I want to be. There will be ups and downs, and that's okay, but I will succeed eventually. When you fail, just do what you've got to do to get going in the right direction again.

Secondly, I think it's always important to continuously ask yourself "Why am I doing this?" Write out a list of pros and cons.

Pros: Exciting, Dopamine, Relaxing, entertaining, fun

Cons: acute anxiety, anticipating failure, burnout, catastrophic thinking, disappointment, fear of social situations, generalized anxiety, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, irritability, lethargy, loss of interest, low concentration, panic, pessimism, sad, shame, social anxiety, feeling "stuck in the mud" (I lost the website where I got those from).

In any case, all of the cons are things that I've been coping with for over a decade. And in my bouts of success within the last year, they pretty much all went away. I've seen the light, so to speak. I know that Nofap works and I know that when I allow myself to fall into the habit of pmo, when the junky in me starts to win, I have to deal with loads of everything you see above in the cons list. So why should I quit pmo? Why don't I just allow myself to watch porn everyday? Because my brain is wired such that if I do let my guard down, many, many aspects of my life are affected in very real, and very negative ways.