Chose masturbation over God

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  1. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone. It had been a week or two since I'd masturbated and tonight I was getting ready for a shower and I thought to myself "It would be nice to masturbate." I'd seen some p-subs recently and I knew it would feel good. I said to myself "I can either choose God or I can choose to sin. This is just like Adam's choice in the garden." Regrettably, I chose to masturbate. Full knowledge. Full consent. Now, I'm conflicted. I feel so much better after having masturbated yet I know it is wrong. I don't really feel guilty even though I know that I should. I read a quote by C.S. Lewis which explains why masturbation is wrong:

    “For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.

    “And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.

    “For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.

    “Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

    “In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. . . . After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”

    – Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson (found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3)


    I know it's wrong. I know I need to goto confession (I'm long overdue anyway). It's just hard to deal with the conflict between secular values which say that masturbation is okay and even good and religious morality which says it's always wrong. It's like there's always a battle between these two forces in my mind.

    Pray for me brothers.
     
  2. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    I made this poor choice so many, many times. I suppose if it didn't bring momentary physical pleasure I wouldn't have chosen it. However, I also know that it brought disarrangement and disorder to my mind. Each time further built up a prurient preoccupation that insidiously destroys peace of mind. Along with this came feelings of guilt and self-loathing that chipped away at my confidence and made me quick tempered, among other things. I regret that I wasted 50 years committing this sin. Thanks to God, as explained in Romans 6, I am a new person, free from this sin but how I wish I had not wasted so much time to get to this point.
     
    Gina3111_marriedToGod likes this.
  3. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry, CPilot. There's a lot of things I would change about my life too if I could. I know how it is. We must remember to ask God to "grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change." There's no use dwelling on the past. Eyes forward.
     
  4. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    I pray others will learn how to withstand this temptation much sooner than I did. Although I look forward to the next life (and I am probably many years away from that), I bear in mind that life on earth is also a precious time. Precious time that can be used to learn the true purpose of love and how it leads us to deeply desire obedience to God's will. I am learning that when I let God make my will, His will, that I am creating a place for God to dwell in me. God dwelling in my sin damaged body and making it clean and new. The feeling of that is nothing short of incredible.
     
    Keli likes this.
  5. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Yes. That’s what it’s all about. Love: something of which I have in pitiably short supply. I pray that I become a more loving person.

    As far as temptation goes, we must remember sin is always couching at our door, but we must master it. I, myself, am still relatively young. I ruined the first half of my life but there’s still a lot to salvage.

    The good news: I’m one day clean.
     
    ANSE and Augie like this.
  6. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    When I began my current streak, a wise person on this site, Mr. Eko, kindly sent me a description of strategies and tactics to successfully overcome this temptation. If you search for Mr. Eko's posts you should find his recommendations about small promises coupled with prayer. About the same time, someone else pointed me to St. Augustine's description of the three stages of sin and the need to stop oneself from going beyond stage 1. These two strategies have been very helpful to me. You are in my prayers, keep striving and keep praying!
     
    ANSE, Augie and Keli like this.
  7. In my 37 yrs on this earth I have done so much sin that my current state of sobriety is proof positive that God works though His Church and Sacraments. I have been a thief, drug addict, lust/sex addict, video game addict, and I have done sexual acts which have called down God's vengeance. I have hurt people horribly by being an occasion of sin and I don't doubt that my actions, while not intentional, most likely could have resulted in the death of someone I've come into contact with.

    Despite all of this, God has called me to Himself. In all of this God has made me aware of a couple key points.
    1. Mary's intercession and the prayers of religious, priests, and laity for the conversion of sinners have kept me from feeling God's justice.
    2. Masses offered up for the conversion of sinners and reparation to the Sacred and Immaculate heart have brought graces to me for my conversion.

    My conversion began in my mid twenties but like a dog to vomit, I returned to old ways. Not until very recently has my conversion been different. Why? Because this conversions sole purpose from me was to love God genuinely. It wasn't to beat an addiction or for some temporal good. No I wanted to love God for His own sake. That's it.

    A Franciscan friar said how do you spell love? The answer: TIME

    Now I've said this a couple of times on this site, but let that question and answer go to the very core of your being. Thankfully our God is a jealous God. He wants to share you with no one and nothing. Examin where you spend your time. If the majority is spent on persons, places, and things contrary to your state in life and God's commandments, then ask Mary to ask God for the grace to remove them and to reorient that time towards God as a means of growing in love for Him.

    The next thing is to have a zero tolerance policy towads movies, music, or any form if media which blasphemes the Holy name of Jesus Christ. Give no sympathy to or for such media at All! This is imperative to destroying one's attachment to the absolutely diabolical influences we are exposed to daily in the world.

    Next, I would recommend, with your new free time to attend holy adoration and if possible daily Mass. If this is not possible, then try to increase them as much as it possible as well as reading Scripture (which is considered a form of communion). Spirtual communion and adoration are better than no communion and adorations. The next side of this holy coin is regular confession. Not just to remove mortal sin but to remove and have a hatred for venial sins. With this holy hatred confession tills the soul, communion and adoration plants the seeds, and prayer and mediation are the means in which we continuously cultivate and water the garden.

    Another huge part is, like with any garden, you accept with resignation HOWEVER long it takes for it to yield fruit but always with the hope that the fruit will come. God makes good on His promises always so the fruit will come!

    Lastly, pray both formulated and self made prayers asking and pleading to God to love Him for Himself. Ask for a love so strong that you would love Him even if there was no Heaven given as a reward. Ask for a Love so great that even if the thorn in your flesh is not removed that you will say "all for You, Jesus". Pray for a love that never treats a communion as being a matter of routine but rather pray that you always treat communion as it being your first, last, and possibly only communion. Also increase your devotion to your guardian angel. He's doing a lot always to keep you safe but he will do SO MUCH more if you talk to him and invite him in to your daily life. I have experienced this personally.


    God bless.

    Please pray for me.
     
    Baby Yoda and ANSE like this.
  8. ANSE

    ANSE Fapstronaut

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    I haven't really thought that reading Scripture as a way of communion. I mean, I've been reading the Bible with Fr. Mike's podcast, even he mentioning this sense of community, but at this very moment, I don't know if I understand it in its totality. However, it's something I could be more aware of next time I read the Word of God. Brother thanks for pointing that out!
     
  9. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your honest sharing concerning your former self. I too was a wretched sinner and by my own choices my redemption has been far too long a road. The journey is not done, of course, but inspiration from people like you, and several others I have met on this forum, help me to remove the blinders I have worn to my sinful nature as well as leading me forward. Thank you and may the Holy Spirit continue to inspire you with His grace.
     
  10. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys. I just wanted to give you an update. It's been 20 days since I last masturbated. I'm ready to go to confession - I just need to find the time. I really want to receive communion again. Every time I receive communion I feel a little happier. I used to think it was the effect of the wine but last time I only ate the eucharist and I felt a sense of joy. I long to be re-united with Jesus. I read that every time we receive communion our concupiscence is slightly reduced. This is something I desperately need as I am the most concupiscent guy I know. Also, it just feels weird being the only guy at Mass who doesn't stand up to receive communion.

    Anyway, I've faced a lot of personal hardship over the past 20, aside from the lack of PMO, but I'm hopeful that I will come out the other side a better, stronger person.

    How are you all doing?
     
    again likes this.

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