Complacency with Addiction

Day 0 - going to be a long post, sorry. I just relapsed and looking for advice. Generally, I've figured out that anything porn related hurts my energy levels and my psyche. I've gotten to a point where I’m not necessarily attracted to porn but have fantasies. The biggest trigger for me isn't anything sexual - in fact, I feel like I've got significant control over it - it's guilt.

I say guilt because it’s easy for me to look at something that isn't porn and have that drive intrusive thoughts or searches that I wouldn't otherwise encourage. For example, in this last relapse, I saw an attractive girl on Facebook and clicked on her profile. On the list of recommended friends, I saw some pretty explicit images in peoples profile pictures. On one hand, I recognise that it's valid for me to be surprised by the fact that such content exists on Facebook and that it shouldn't be all my fault, but on the other, I feel like I wouldn't have gotten to that point If I were vigilant enough to hold to my principles and ultimately never have jeopardised a steady stream of progress.

For comparison, I watch movies that do have explicit scenes, but It doesn't make me feel guilty because I'm in control and I made the conscious decision to watch that movie. But when It's an unsolicited image that pops up in a social media feed, I feel entirely responsible for that because deep down I feel I know better - I could have blocked that subreddit, I could have blocked that website, etc.

However, that's one form of reasoning - the other is slightly pessimistic.

Initially, my goal in all of this was to get rid of some pretty disturbing intrusive thoughts. This started around 2018 after years of under-committing. Somewhere in 2019 I got much more control over what entered and left my mind and so I became confident.

However, because of a few poor choices, I relapsed in summer last year and I've been trying to get something good going ever since, but It feels more difficult than any time before this. I think It’s because I've become complacent and am unsure of what my goals are now. The relapses since summer last year have felt like they’ve given rise to intrusive thoughts again, but because I have better control over them – or at least, I’m not as bothered by them – It doesn’t feel like a primary goal.

I’m religious, but I don’t feel like I exercise that to the best of my ability and so It makes it hard for me to claim that I’m doing this for God. All in all, I know I must do this because I have everything to lose, but I don’t feel like I have a dedicated reason to do this anymore and that’s why It’s so much harder. That means to say that I recognise that Porn has hurt me in the past and I risked becoming a cautionary tale if I continued that way, however, without a reason to fend off intrusive thoughts an unsolicited glimpse of explicit pictures on a social media profile makes me easily feel like I’ve failed and should just restart – if that makes sense.

So, in the process of trying to figure this out, I ended up cultivating new “dependencies” to keep my mind at bay – I would spend hours on reddit or twitter or Facebook, or I would thrust myself into work so that I had no reason to relapse – If I relapse, I won’t be able to work with a clear mind.

Because of this sentiment, it feels oddly like a routine - go a week or 2 without PMO, relapse, be depressed and repeat. I’ve been meaning to look at therapy, but it doesn’t factor into my budget for the coming months and I’ve been sceptical of online services like better help. Any advice (recommend studies, podcasts, personal experience, etc) would be appreciated or any comments on what your motivations are might give me a little more insight on how to move on with this.